AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

It’s not right to expect your son to be your carer to the exclusion of external care.
He has his own life to lead and should be able to do so.
I'm sure you don’t want him to feel resentful.
If my adult child felt obliged to care for me at their own detriment, I think I’d feel really bad about it.

I’m going to say this very gently but kindly. A child - even an adult child - shouldn’t be a parents rock. That’s our role as parents.
As you know your chemo is starting now is the time to get some help in place - professional help or some cleaning help. Maybe he would be willing to help with this financially if needed.
Also gently but kindly you need to find out what your prognosis is. Then you can plan. And ask for some practicle help from friends.
So your son can live his life while supporting you as well.

You've leaned on your son too much already, and tbh it sounds a little like you've stunted his development. He should definitely not have been supporting you through the divorce.

In his mid-thirties he needs to get a move on settling down and having his own children, if he and his partner want that. Wouldn't you want to see him settled and happy before you go?

I've seen a close relative through bowel cancer (they passed away). It was awful and my family remains deeply affected by the experience. Get external care, there's lots it would be far kinder to spare your son. Let him focus on enjoying the time he has left with you, not be overwhelmed and traumatised by the physical care.

You're his parents so yes you should take care of him.
He has supported you caring for his grandmother and now ypu want him to stop his life for an undetermined amount of time. I realise your re seriously ill but wow I can't imagine being so self centred to expect my children to stop their lives to care for me because I refuse outside help.
I feel for your son as the amount youe xoect will guilt him and possibly lose him the chance at a long term relationship and family with his girlfriend. You have turned your son into your partner

Have you spoken to him properly about this, as I suspect he is not being truthful with you, he sounds like a lovely, caring young man. However caring has a massive impact on the carer, physically and emotionally. He has already lost time in his 20’s caring for your Mum and now he is in an impossible situation, he either peruses his own life, or possibly loses his relationship. It is really unfair to ask him to do this.
I know that you are going to be scared and worried about your own prognosis, you have used him as your emotional crutch throughout his life, but he needs to be able to create a life for himself. Your health needs are not likely to improve, so when would be okay for him to move out?
Talk to him, and explore outside help, getting extra support is a big step for anyone, and the fact he has mentioned it suggested he may be struggling more than you know.

Your posts read as though you have always depended heavily on your son to provide you with emotional and practical support, even before your diagnosis. I'm sorry to be blunt but I strongly suspect that even if he waited until you were recovered you would find other reasons to 'need' him to stay put.

You can't expect your son to look after you, you just can't, it's not fair on him, and it sounds like you're guilt tripping him into staying. Let him go and be with his girlfriend, with your blessing, please. There is care available for you, you don't need to rely on your son for everything. He could come round once or twice a week, instead of being at your beck and call 24/7.

This is exactly the comment I would have written. I would feel a lot of comfort knowing my child was happy and set up for their future. I would practically forcing him out the door telling him he has to put himself first. Of course, I’d love his support but he has to live his own life

Gently, I think you might encourage him to fly the nest while you are around to ensure he stretches his wings and lands safely. Please accept external care so he can continue to support you as your son and not as your primary carer. He will always care ... Best wishes for your treatment

Hes not obliged to be your care worker.

And he sounds a kind decent young man whos making provisions to ensure youre cared for regardless

You sound extremely selfish. You chose to have a child, of course you had to take care of him. That’s how it works. If you need care, pay for it or use socidl care if eligible. Let him move on with his life

I’m so sorry Op. I can’t imagine how frightening it must be for you. However, it’s incredibly selfish of you to expect your son to do this. He has the right to his own life and gently, when you are gone, he also needs love and support and a life to carry on with. It sounds like he has been an amazing support to you. But at what cost to him and his life? You need to be very brave and encourage him to live his life and look for carers to help to support you. He will be better able to support you emotionally if he isn’t being expected to juggle work and do everything. He’s your son and he deserves a happy future. Best of luck to you and take care.

Oh OP. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. And I understand that, right now, you would like all the comfort and familiarity you can get. That feeling is not unreasonable at all. But, and I feel terrible saying this, it would be unreasonable to ask your son to halt his life. If the worst were to happen, he will need the support of his partner. He needs his own life and support network in order to be able to manage his experience of this situation.
Please accept the care that is being offered, and I wish you all the best 💐

As someone who cared for their mum when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 65 and died three months later, you being hugely unreasonable. My mum lived alone and absolutely refused to allow us to stay overnight until it was absolutely necessary, around the final 7 weeks, as she wanted us to have a break, our own space and to have our lives distrupted as little as possible.

Something about this post seems off, not sure if it's a reverse or something.

He sounds like a caring person, I don’t think he’ll just leave you to it, but it shouldn’t all be on him, you should take the additional help to take the pressure off him. Sorry about your diagnosis.

Op. Surely you knew that he would move out and live his own life just as you did. I'm sorry about your illness op but you're being wildly selfish to expect your adult son to put his life on hold to be your carer. It will only build real resentment .

Kindly i do think you are being unreasonable but can appreciate you want someone you know is caring and obviously familiar by your side. If he is thinking of moving out, maybe he’s scared he’s going to be alone with no support network should he sadly lose you and is trying to secure his own future?

You’ve had some really horrible replies @Tessy1965998 , which are undeserved IMO. It’s not unreasonable to be afraid and to want the support of someone you’re close to. Your son may not want to be your carer and there are many aspects of bowel cancer that you’d probably both benefit from having external carers for, but I personally couldn’t move away from a family member going through this and if my partner suggested that I’d think less of them. You don’t know if your son is planning to move out so talk to him, encourage him to tell you how he feels and respect his views even if it hurts. He’s perfectly capable of living his life without abandoning his mother I’m sure.

If that was my son, I’d be telling him to live his own life. I wouldn’t want him caring for me because I wouldn’t want to put that burden on him.
Sorry OP but I find your attitude really unusual. I am very sorry about your diagnosis though.

He shouldn't have to though.

Caring is hard, doing it over and over again at such a young age will be truly life limiting for him.

Hopefully you will make a recovery and whether you do, and especially if sadly you don't, wouldn't you want him to have a home, partner and family to support and love him?

If you try to insist or guilt trip into staying, you will ultimately forfeit his genuine care and it will be replaced by anger and resentment, which will not be a healthy or happy outcome for either of you.

He can still care for and support you whilst living independently without having to shoulder the whole situation himself.

Having seen this with a couple of relatives i'm afraid I have to agree, especially after OP said "He mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that"

He's very likely trying to sort help because he does wish to move out, but it was interesting that OP didn't mention what issue they have with professional carers, and i honestly hope it doesn't just boil down to "They're not him"

I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable and selfish.

Your son shouldnt be expected to dedicate his life to physically caring for you.

You need trained carers. His role should be to check you are being cared for appropriately, not to be the one wiping your backside, so to speak

He is your son not your substitute husband and you should want him to find love and have relationships, maybe have children and enjoy an independent life that you are a part of but not the focus of.

This is so sad; I’d never forgive myself for preventing my dc to have a life and instead be caring for me. That’s not their job and I want to see them happy not being my guilt-tripped slave.

Your poor son knows how traumatic it can be from caring for his Grandma. Spare him this. Get professional help and let him create a strong relationship with his partner for when you are no longer around.