Page 2 | AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

Tessy1965998 · 2026-03-14T17:52:05+00:00

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son. Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2026 18:08

Im really sorry that you’re in this position, OP. If your son wants to put his life on hold to care for you, without any pressure to do so, that’s wonderful. But I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect him to do so, even more so when he’s already spent such a significant proportion of his life already caring for his grandmother and for you. I would absolutely hate it if my daughter changed her life to look after me - the most i would hope for (not expect) is thst she would help me to find kind and compassionate careers to look after me as necessary.

coconutbiscuit · 14/03/2026 18:09

So sorry for your circumstances OP but you are being unreasonable. If the absolute worst scenario happened and you didn’t recover, your DS could possibly end up alone. He is in his mid 30s and he may have sacrificed progressing in a relationship with a person who would support him through this difficult journey. Wishing you all the best for your treatment.

stapletonsguitar · 14/03/2026 18:10

Yes you’re being unreasonable. He has his own life to lead, and it shouldn’t be put on hold so he can care for you - I have two adult dc and I wouldn’t want that for them.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/03/2026 18:10

You cannot ask this of your DS. He has his own life to live.

Tootiredcantsleep · 14/03/2026 18:10

Ok, personally, I think my answer depends a bit on your prognosis. If you are very much at end of life, and it's likely to be weeks/a few months, then I don't think you're unreasonable to want him to stay close. Though you should absolutely be having external help and support, with your son more for emotional support than physical caring, where possible.

If it's one of those grade 4 cancers where it can still hopefully be managed for years, then he needs to go and live his life. He's had a lot of caring responsibilities already and shouldn't have to put his on hold for years again.

Holdonforsummer · 14/03/2026 18:11

I’m sorry you’re in this position too but it sounds like you are using your son as a proxy husband. He has his own life to lead. I think it would be nice for him to support you and pop in often but not to put his whole life on hold for you. Good luck.

Anewerforest · 14/03/2026 18:11

Let him go and live his life op but ask him to visit regularly with his partner
and to help you out with any crises. Arrange carers if you need them and encourage local friends to visit.
He will be sad about your illness so make sure he has other people and things in his life to cheer him up.

Hankunamatata · 14/03/2026 18:12

Is this an odd reverse?

ilovesooty · 14/03/2026 18:13

I'm sorry you're so ill but to expect your son to be solely responsible for your care is unreasonable.

Blueeberry · 14/03/2026 18:13

I’m sorry for your situation OP but yes, YABVU and I feel awful for your poor son that you’d want to put him in this position. Get some outside help. Allow him to build a life of his own. I have a 21yo DD and there’s no way I’d want to hold her back for selfish reasons - cannot imagine anything worse or more harmful.

Ilovepastafortea · 14/03/2026 18:16

Agree with PP.. Really sorry to hear about your diagnoses, but our children are not put on this Earth to care for us - they have lives of their own & should be allowed to live them.

We don't have children in order for them to care for us in sickness.

My DH volunteers for Hospice care - a fabulous charity, suggest that you get in touch with them.

AnotherHormonalWoman · 14/03/2026 18:16

I'm sorry for your diagnosis and for the distress that I imagine you are feeling about who will care for you.

I'm a 55 year old who feels responsible for my elderly parents. I do a lot to make sure that they have their needs met, but I have drawn the line at a) giving up my job to be a full time carer should the situation arise in the future, and b) any (hypothetical, future) personal care, for their dignity and for mine. I organise appointments and sort their pills and take them to their hobbies and help them pay bills and look after their money and clean the house, and either cook or organise meals depending on how busy I am, but I'm not going to do the personal care elements of it, except in an emergency. I had thought I would do it all with no hesitation, but I have found that it takes too much of a toll on my mental wellness to want to do it full time.

I suspect that he may have found similar, and that it's really absolutely ZERO to do with how much he loves you and wants the best for you. "my" generation (I mean adults of any age who care for our parents) are finding it really tough going. That's not to say that I think it was easy for anybody in previous generations, but we are in a different set of circumstances in the world, our financial positions, our future prospects, how much the government will look after us, and how many stressors are already on our plate.

It sounds like he is willing to help you with everything except the physical help that carers are generally known to provide. He will presumably be the one sorting out your funeral and executor of your will? In which case he is very much NOT abandoning you in your hour of need. He has his needs to look after as well as yours. He is also dealing with grief and stress and probably trying not to show it in front of you too much. He is doing enough. Please accept the employed carers, just as you presumably would accept the care of nurses and doctors. It isn't a sign of anything lacking in his care for you xxx

Tryagain26 · 14/03/2026 18:16

I am sorry you are ill but your son needs to live his own own life. Please don't make him feel guilty for wanting to make a life with his girlfriend.
I would hate for my children to become my carers

binnibonnieboo · 14/03/2026 18:17

I have a very elderly and very demanding mother. After a long battle, she accepted additional professional support. It's been brilliant for her and for us her children. The time we spend with her is less frazzled, more joyful, and in top of the paid support means she has more care in total. Try accepting external support, you may be surprised.

Aquarius91 · 14/03/2026 18:19

I’m very sorry you’re in this situation, OP. Truly. However, I’m afraid you are being very unreasonable. Your son has already spend a good portion of his adult life caring for his elderly grandmother-this is highly unusual and not fair. Now he’s expected to put his life on hold to care for you? There seems to be no compromising from your part-accepting that he might move out but still help you as much as possible, but you’re expecting him to put his entire life on hold.
I wouldn’t expect him to abandon you completely of course, although he sounds nice and I can’t imagine that he would do that.
surely letting him live his life normally and help you while you’re having professional carers too, is a more reasonable expectation?

Ilovepastafortea · 14/03/2026 18:19

AnotherHormonalWoman · 14/03/2026 18:16

I'm sorry for your diagnosis and for the distress that I imagine you are feeling about who will care for you.

I'm a 55 year old who feels responsible for my elderly parents. I do a lot to make sure that they have their needs met, but I have drawn the line at a) giving up my job to be a full time carer should the situation arise in the future, and b) any (hypothetical, future) personal care, for their dignity and for mine. I organise appointments and sort their pills and take them to their hobbies and help them pay bills and look after their money and clean the house, and either cook or organise meals depending on how busy I am, but I'm not going to do the personal care elements of it, except in an emergency. I had thought I would do it all with no hesitation, but I have found that it takes too much of a toll on my mental wellness to want to do it full time.

I suspect that he may have found similar, and that it's really absolutely ZERO to do with how much he loves you and wants the best for you. "my" generation (I mean adults of any age who care for our parents) are finding it really tough going. That's not to say that I think it was easy for anybody in previous generations, but we are in a different set of circumstances in the world, our financial positions, our future prospects, how much the government will look after us, and how many stressors are already on our plate.

It sounds like he is willing to help you with everything except the physical help that carers are generally known to provide. He will presumably be the one sorting out your funeral and executor of your will? In which case he is very much NOT abandoning you in your hour of need. He has his needs to look after as well as yours. He is also dealing with grief and stress and probably trying not to show it in front of you too much. He is doing enough. Please accept the employed carers, just as you presumably would accept the care of nurses and doctors. It isn't a sign of anything lacking in his care for you xxx

Been there, got the tee-shirt. No obligation for children to care for their parents, but if we chose to do so, that's on us.

Original poster

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 18:20

Thank you all for your comments, it’s good to get some perspective. I have no idea what my prognosis is, I don’t really want to know. It’s bowel cancer. I have a few good friends, but we don’t have any real family support. I’m happy for her to move in, but I don’t think that either of them want that.

I just want him to stay put whilst I go through chemo. It was supposed to take a few months, but there have been lots of delays so it’s likely to take much longer. I do want him to move out and have his own life, but I don’t think it should be this year. I have taken care of him his whole life and could really use the support now. He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support and I just don’t know how I would cope living alone.

OP posts:

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 14/03/2026 18:20

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Original poster

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 18:21

Just to add, he works full time and manages it all so well

OP posts:

Statsinyoureyes · 14/03/2026 18:21

You have taken care of him because you are his parent. That's your responsibility. It is not our children's responsibility to do the same for us.

Aquarius91 · 14/03/2026 18:22

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 18:20

Thank you all for your comments, it’s good to get some perspective. I have no idea what my prognosis is, I don’t really want to know. It’s bowel cancer. I have a few good friends, but we don’t have any real family support. I’m happy for her to move in, but I don’t think that either of them want that.

I just want him to stay put whilst I go through chemo. It was supposed to take a few months, but there have been lots of delays so it’s likely to take much longer. I do want him to move out and have his own life, but I don’t think it should be this year. I have taken care of him his whole life and could really use the support now. He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support and I just don’t know how I would cope living alone.

I appreciate this, but gently, read your post back. He’s your “rock” and has supported you through a LOT. You have cared for him, but it was your choice? This is what all parents do for their kids. It is a lot of pressure for your son to provide this much emotional, practical and physical support for his mum.

Gottagetfitin26 · 14/03/2026 18:24

Unfortunately, yes you are being unreasonable. He's mid 30s and may want to settle down and have his own family. It's a horrible situation for you OP and I'm sorry for that, but your son is entitled to move on with his own life. Surely you want that for him

Tableforjoan · 14/03/2026 18:26

Don’t be selfish op. You chose to have a child so you are expected to raise them.

That shouldn’t be on an owing it back basis. Also sounds like he has done so anyway.

You’ve leaned on him more than you should have.

A year is a huge amount of time when it comes to someone in their 30’s trying to find their start in life and honestly still living at home being mums career while working full time doesn’t leave much time for a life at all.

Rather sounding a future mil from hell once you’ve finish chemo. Not this year. It’s his life. She can move in. Well yeah as you’ve said hardly ideally for a couple wanting to swing form the chandlers, having mummy listening in.

Pepperedpickles · 14/03/2026 18:27

Tessy1965998 · 14/03/2026 18:20

Thank you all for your comments, it’s good to get some perspective. I have no idea what my prognosis is, I don’t really want to know. It’s bowel cancer. I have a few good friends, but we don’t have any real family support. I’m happy for her to move in, but I don’t think that either of them want that.

I just want him to stay put whilst I go through chemo. It was supposed to take a few months, but there have been lots of delays so it’s likely to take much longer. I do want him to move out and have his own life, but I don’t think it should be this year. I have taken care of him his whole life and could really use the support now. He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support and I just don’t know how I would cope living alone.

I’m saying this as kindly as possible but wouldn’t you feel better knowing your son was happy and set up for life without you? That’s how I view things. My dc are 13 and 22 and I have complex autoimmune disabilities which mean I am unlikely to see them live to a great age and my sole goal is to make sure they’re able to cope without me and have a good life, I want to see them living their lives independently.

flowertoday · 14/03/2026 18:27

It sounds really hard for you OP , but yes you AIBU. Your son needs to be able to live his own life and not feel constrained in all of his choices by bearing a chief caring responsibility for you.
If he is also working full time that is an awful lot on his shoulders .
I get that you don't want professional help and would prefer family support. But would you want your son to be caring for you 24 / 7 if you needed to be nursed in bed and / or had personal care needs ? Hopefully is not going to happen but it is worth thinking about for all of us with children.

Personally I would not want my children having to care for me in that way.
Wishing you a speedy recovery 🙏🙏💐❤️