AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

You need to reflect on why you are happy for your son to take in the role that a paid carer could provide for you, rather than enjoying your remaining time together as mum and son.

I don’t mean to be cruel but I say this as someone who did care for their mum in her dying months.

I’m sorry to read this @Tessy1965998 and I hope you get better soon. My cousin cared for her mom who had stage 4 cancer it was initially incurable and then was terminal. She lost her opportunity to have a family as all her caring was in her mid to late 30s. My cousin had a mental health breakdown down as her mum refused carers so everything was on my cousin. I can only imagine how frightening it was for them all.

My cousins mum eventually passed away and my cousin is now childless but not by choice . Her memories of her 30s is dealing with her mums demands and collapsing due to stress. At least her mum avoided external carers.

I cared for my partner during his cancer treatment, until he died. During the last year, the only reason I coped is that I was working from home due to Covid, and even then it was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. There is absolutely no way I could have looked after him and held down a full time job outside of the house, and your son won't be able to either.

Please get professional carers - we did and it made a lot of difference. Also, your local hospice may be able to help with respite, social activities and so on - they don't just work with the dying.

You might want to consider joining Macmillan cancer forums - imI found it really helpful to talk to others in the same boat.

Get the external support in op, bluntly you’re not more independent because your son helps you to the toilet, you’re just as dependant but also using up his life. My grandparent lived 20 years after bowel cancer in their 70s, get the support and encourage him to live his life and work towards independence, with support if necessary so you can meet your grandchildren.

You really don’t stop do you ? He’s explained that he and his GF are ready to settle down together , and all you can do is say ‘not yet’ . Why on earth do you believe you wants Trump his and his GF? You are so lucky that they will be near, but honestly you need to give your head a wobble

This stood out to me: “He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support and I just don’t know how I would cope living alone.”

My mother has relied upon me emotionally very heavily since quite an early age. It is utterly exhausting and a very unhealthy dynamic to have in a parent/child relationship. I am sorry that you are ill and scared but the way you have leaned on your son and used him in place of a partner to meet your emotional needs is incredibly selfish. I feel very sorry for him although I suspect he will not view it in this way as he is clearly a good person.

His mum is seriously ill, about to go through some horrid treatment and may, lets face it sadly not survive long term, who would bale out at a time like that.

This will be the GF working on him I'm pretty sure of that OP.

His not bailing though is he. He just wants to move out and still help and also start his own life.

He will still be around he wants to buy close by so he can still help. He just wants his mother to accept some careers as well so it’s not all on his shoulders.

He deserves some happiness and love as well not just being permanent careers for his mum and other relatives.

It’s selfish to expect him to wait till his what 40 plus to get to move out and get a life partner.

But he is saying he will move close by and still give care. That isn’t bailing

@Tessy1965998

You have had some very blunt and unhelpful replies.
A few things stand out for me from the more helpful replies. Firstly that you seem to have become reliant on your son in lieu of a partner. This isn't healthy for either of you and hard as it is particularly at this time you really need to start letting go.
I am a long term single and happy with my choices in life. Do I worry about the future ? Of course I do. I adopted my son when he was 8. Its always just been us. Its been the privilege and joy of my life to see him grow and flourish. My heart bursts with pride to see that scared little boy who no one expected to get GCSEs at university, happy and independent. Thats what we should all want for our children.
The second thing is your apparent lack of engagement with your own illness. Beyond saying you need help with stairs and the toilet, you haven't said much about how ill you are at this point.
Several people have jumped to the conclusion that you are terminally ill but you haven't actually said that. You say you don't know what your prognosis is. Thus is information that you really should know and I don't understand why you don't.
My treatment has also been delayed but I know the plan for when it does, 12 cycles of chemo, surgery, more chemo. I know which drugs I will be on. Ive been told to plan for a year of treatment.
Why do you not know this level of information? Or maybe you do and its too overwhelming for you.
The thing is your treatment is unlikely to be just chemo. If your son stays for the chemo what happens if you then need surgery, will you be wanting him to stay for that.
I know its scary but I really would urge you to engage with your illness, get to grips with your prognosis and treatment plan. If you really don't know then you need to ask your doctors urgently.
You seem very passive in this, and I mean this kindly, you need to get a grip - of your diagnosis and your care needs as opposed to what you want.

Yes it really is. He’s mid thirties now.

I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds really tough. However, you do need to accept professional carers, otherwise you are being vastly unfair on your son. If you delay his relationship at mid-30s age, he may miss out on his chance to ever have children.

Surely you would have more "independence" if you accepted a proper care package rather than being completely reliant on one person.

YABVU

This is what actually struck me the most. The OP says she wants to maintain her ‘independence’ but she’s not independent at all- she’s completely dependant on her son by her own description.

She’s never going to be truly independent in her current situation if she can’t do certain tasks at all but employing people to help where needed an by keeping that care at a slightly more arms length from her family will give her a degree of independence she doesn’t have at the moment.

To me, that says that she doesn't see her son as a person in his own right. He is an extension of her, an instrument to fulfil her needs rather than a separate person who wants a life of his own that she is not the centre of.

It's a truly sad situation all round.

Sorry about your diagnosis.
Please, let your son live his life.

Kindly, this is just a condensed repeat of your first post.

Are you reading the responses? Do you see why people think it's selfish? I am truly sorry you are unwell, but you asked a question and got a resounding response, but you don't seem to have moved a centimeter in your thinking.

You keep saying, I just want him to keep caring for me - so that's what you want for YOU. But what do you want for HIM? Happiness? Freedom? Time to enjoy what's left of his youth? The space to build a relationship? If you truly want these things for him, you need to let go, because your 'needs' may go on for years. It's as simple as that.

Embrace a different, BETTER relationship with your son, where he comes to see you to chat, cook, watch a tv show, tell you his news, sit and play cards - whatever it is you do - rather than one where he comes to wash and toilet you. Your time together will have far more quality and meaning if you remove the caring/responsibility/pressure/guilt aspect from the current dynamic. He can still 'care' for you without being your carer.

Please listen to what everyone is saying.

Caregiving is horrificly stressful on family, if it's only him you're being really unreasonable.

Get some professional caregivers, he needs a respite.

You have an unspecified Stage IV cancer but my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better.

He's cared for your mother, now you. He needs to be able to live his own life. This is really unfair to him to guilt him into not starting a life and family with his gf.

Agree 100%.

How is it more independent for your son to help you toilet rather than Mary who comes in as a career. I’d say you’re less independent relying on family to do everything. Having a career is more independent tbh.

And so she bloody should. It's not up to her son to be caring for her and putting his own life and his partners life on hold because of unfortunate circumstances. This is exactly what paid carers are for. OP seems like her whole life revolves around her son and she depends on him to an unhealthy level.
If he and his partner are mid 30s and want a family, how long exactly should they put that on hold for? Until the gf is infertile? Nope and any self respecting woman would run from that.

Also say son did put his life on hold, gf either leaves or they end up not having kids (because her weird MIL demanded so) then where does that leave the son if OP dies?

I would never dream of expecting my children to be my carers. Their lives are more important to me than mine.

Absolutely!!!

Well my ex cleared off when I was caring for my dad - bullet dodged, she couldn't take lifes down times, when the going got tough she got going - thank the lord I didn't have any kids with her.

Again, I’m sorry your sick OP however on reading your further replies your not listening to others and I imagine this is how you have been with your son his whole life- very manipulative and emotionally harmful.

Your last reply is just more justification as to why you think your son should give you even more of this life @Tessy1965998.

Supporting you after a divorce wasn’t enough, he had to then help you care for a dying parent. Then support you grieving your parents. Now it’s support you through treatment that has been delayed and has an uncertain time frame because you don’t want to engage in the detail of your situation.

What happens at the end of chemo when you still don’t feel supported enough and want another year from him? And another. And another.

He is already factoring in building his married life to be nearby to support you but that’s still not enough for you.

I know you are having hard time but I don’t think your selfishness is down to cancer. It is very clear you have expected your son to prioritise your emotional well being since he was a child and now he’s started to build a life of his own you are spiralling. The timing would always have been off for you but is especially so because of cancer. But if you except him to sacrifice any more of his own happiness or life for you, you could end up a lot more alone than you fear.

Support your son in building a life that works for him, without you as the be all and end all. Let him have a partner and kids without feeling guilty. You had him to lean on in tough times but seem determined to want to deprive him of the chance of having a family to support him. Does that not give you even a twinge of guilt?