AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

This can’t be for real.

The problem is that the care system is totally broken. I'm a Social Worker. I work with vulnerable people - mostly elderly, &, unless there is absolutely no family, in a practical way, there is little help. I talk to my elderly people who have problems getting to hospital appointments & am told to say 'can't you ask a neighbour or friend?' As if my client hadn't thought of that....😡I've visited people where the carer has had a stoke with only one useful hand, yet they bring them a commode for the person they're caring for & a box of disposable gloves. I've challenged many Occupational Therapists to put on a glove with only one useable hand.

Don't get me started....😡

Has he refused ? Or are you just worried about it ? He can be all those things to you without being your FT Carer . Please don't demand this of him as it will lead to guilt and hurt all around . Don't tarnish your happy memories with this type of request . I am sure he will do what he can but allow extra support in with experienced carers too.

My DH stopped working to help care for his parents and after his dad died he was worried how his mom would cope. I said let's all move in together which worked just fine. But he was highly disturbed by the amount of physical care she needed at times and certainly wouldn't have considered doing things like helping her shower and or getting her knickers on. I tried to help but I think she found it embarrassing as well.

Getting someone in that could help with bathing etc was a much better option for all concerned. It made DH more relaxed about what he could do to help her on a daily basis - talking, making meals, ensuring she had her meds. And the professional were able to do much more than either (or both) of us could do physically as they are trained better at helping people out of bed etc.

I don't think your son is about to abandon you but you should consider how you could make him caring for you a much better experience for you both.

Sorry you are so ill. Your son sounds absolutely amazing. I am sure even if he moved out he wouldn't go far and would still be around to support you. Take any external help you can get, so moments with your son are more special and less focused on care. I think he can still be a support to you but at the same time, move on with his life. Wishing you all the best with your treatment.

You are doing a lovely thing. However I suspect that it will be you wiping her bottom, bathing her & doing the personal care.

you are being unreasonable and selfish

Sorry you are unwell OP, but how very selfish of you, sorry. I’ve got S4 cancer too and my DD is at university. I absolutely encourage her to live her life to the full. In fact I would feel guilty if I was using her for emotional support.

You need to enlist the help from friends/ MacMillan etc, allowing your son to live! Children shouldn’t be carers for parents imo.

Best wishes.

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis, that must really, really suck.💐

However, you sound like you feel that because you looked after him that he owes you the same. But it's not. You CHOSE to have a baby so of course it's your responsibility to care for him. He did not choose to be born. It's absolutely unfair of you to not accept outside help and to expect your son to do it for you, it's mentally and physically draining to have to do so much caring on top of a full time job. You have raised an utterly wonderful man who has put his own needs to one side for a long time to be a carer. When does he begin to live his own life, settle down, have children, have fun without responsibility?

YABU I'm afraid. I'm leery of parents using their children heavily as emotional support generally, but "He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support and I just don’t know how I would cope living alone."... that's a lot. Don't you feel like being your sole support is holding him back in ways?

YABVU

Who will be getting up at night to take her to the loo in case she falls on her way & stays to make sure that she doesn't over balance & fall off the loo? Who will be doing the extra laundry when she's incontinent - those pads can leak? What about the time when she can't be left on her own in a room in case she decides to stand up & falls? You need to discuss this.

Try looking a lot further into the future, OP. I understand that this year you want him with you. Maybe next year as well. But looking longer term, bar a tragic accident, at some point he will need to live without you. It’s really important he has the opportunity to build a support network, a full and varied life, in readiness for the day you are no longer here.

People who put everything on hold in order to support their parents can end up desperately isolated. His life needs to go on beyond yours- that’s the natural order of things- and he needs this time to establish that.

I think this is a reverse and the OP is the child/child’s partner posting.

It sounds like it is time you looked for some external support, it is not fair to put all this on your child.

I understand deciding whether or not to know your prognosis can be a really tricky decision, but sometimes you need to know for the sake of those around you.

You cannot expect him to put his life on hold indefinitely.

Gosh, it sounds like he’s already gone above and beyond what many would ask of a child, and dare I say it a son! This type of caring is usually dumped on a daughter…

If It was me in your shoes, I’d be encouraging his relationship with enthusiasm. What happens if you die, hopefully not of course, but you say no family, so he'd be on his own. That’d worry me more than paying for carers!

98% yabu
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All of that is your problem not his. You don’t have children to give you care. Your children don’t owe you anything. You are being very unfair on him.

Yes, this is true. We all pay for the care. That might not be possible for the OP but she says her son raised the possibility and she said no.

I don't think I've ever read anything quite so selfish. You've already had him caring for elderly relatives and now he's expected to put his life on hold for you. He doesn't owe you care because you cared for him, you are his mother and chose to have him. Sort yourself some carers and tell him to go and live his life. This way, he might actually enjoy his time with you rather than feeling beholden to you.

I have a life limiting condition and receive enhanced PIP for care and mobility. I will never ever allow my (now adult) DC to provide any physical care. It's hard enough for them having a DM who is ill. I will never accept them giving up even part of their lives for me. I want to see them thriving, not held back on my account.
DD suggested attending a local university. I point blank refused. It took a lot of persuading to get her to apply, let alone accept one much further away.
I might sound awful, but I'd go NC with the DC I adore before I'd allow them to give up their lives for me. I'd rather not be here.

It doesn’t sound like you only want him to
stay for your treatment.

I just don’t know how I would cope living alone.

What were you expecting? As parents, we want our children to be confident and secure and independent enough to go and live their life. Of course it would be good for him to support you during cancer treatment, but he doesn’t need to live with you to do that. If he wants to, that’s great. But you may need to accept carers, especially if he has already mentioned it as maybe he is starting to struggle. But regardless, he isn’t your personal support human. He needs to start living his life away from his mum. And you need to accept that it will happen.

You'll know from your own experience that providing end of life care is exhausting. Don't burden him with any more than a requirement for emotional support now.

You can prepare best by employing or getting council assistance to have paid care support. You can cope because there is no other option. You've coped with everything in your life so far, and you can cope with a change in who is providing physical care for you.

You have a very co dependent relationship with your son judging from what you have written here. He's had a lot of weight on his shoulders since a young age having helped you care for his gran too. When does he get to enjoy life? If you force the issue you might lose him. I think he probably feels a deep sense of responsibility towards you and won't just abandon you however in the years in which you left his dad you should have built your own life. It's unfair to use a child as your emotional crux.

I wish you well but think you are being selfish here. Talk through what your care going forward would look like. Forcing him to remain will lead to resentment and that isn't fair or nice.

Gently OP, you took care of him because that's your legal responsibility as a parent. It doesn't work both ways.