VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

Not normal. He sounds grumpy and selfish.

he is walking in from work and their are immediately pestering him as soon as he gets in?

Stop that. Let him get in. Let him take his shoes off etc, and sit down. Get the kids to make him a cup of tea and get him a biscuit or something while he does this.

Then they can all sit down while he decompresses a bit and asks them about their day.

Mine used to do this when i got home and until the day i walked right back out and composed myself for 20 minutes in the car, they didn't get the message.

Because he is generally engaged etc, so he deserves to have a calm transition into getting home.

Is this the 50s?! Make him a cup of tea and a biscuit. Should the OP also take his shoes off for him and give him a foot rub?!

The OP works too, would anyone suggest she’s greeted with a cup of tea and a biscuit when she gets home from work? No they wouldn’t.

Parents have to work. It is not a crime that his children are excited to see him when they haven’t all day. Yes it’s acceptable to say that they need to be calm for the first ten minutes so he can get in, get changed etc but he doesn’t need a medal every time he walks through the door just because he’s been to work.

Get them to make him a cup of tea?? Heavens. The 1950s called and they want you back.

I mean … pestering not really they are more likely to pester me! They just want a hug and then carry on with whatever they are doing and he has a cuppa whilst huffing about what a mess they’ve made or how noisy they are. just normal child noise for 6pm imo

He just has low tolerance and I feel it’s sad as he hasn’t seen them all day …

I think it’s time to ask him why he had 3 kids when he clearly doesn’t like them.
I’m afraid I’ve zero patience with people - men and women - who have children, particularly more than one, and expect that they will have a quiet life with lots of down time.
Time to ask him some hard questions about what exactly he thought parenting 3 under 10s would be like.

Maybe he’s job is stressing him out more than you think? Doesn’t excuse anything but… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Did you speak to him about this and just ask how he is, but like really HOW is he doing.

He needs to stop this behaviour it wont be long before they see themselves as a nuisance and stop going to him for hugs, is that what he wants ?!

3 DC almost the same age as yours. Both of us work fulltime, both home by 4:30-5pm. No, my DH isn’t like this at all. He occupies the DC while I get dinner on the table and listen to a podcast, and I can hear him upstairs, playing with them, or in the garden kicking a ball around.

I will say though, my DH is terrible in the mornings. He really resents getting up early, and all of ours have always been really early risers. I’m the opposite - a total morning person, and I run out of stream by late afternoon and get grumpy and tired.

So, we tend towards me waking early with the DC while he sleeps later, and then he gives me a chance to relax more in the evenings when I’m most tired. That works well for us.

Could your DH be like me? An early riser than is just DONE with the day by about 5pm? Could he have a bit of solo time doing a non-child related chore like laundry or cleaning for a bit, before the kids jump all over him?

My DP wfh and does pick ups. I work from office and get home about 6. I adore my DC but I can also feel overwhelmed by walking in from a long day and a long commute and immediately having to switch into entertaining, cooking, getting ready for bed. I don't think you need to fawn over him, and I think his behaviour is horrible, but I wonder if there could be a built in 30mins where he can come in, go to your bedroom and get in the right headspace to be lovely dad?

No, that sounds a bit unusual. People marry twats, unfortunately, but a lot of what you have written aligns with him not being a twat.

Do you feel like he is not his normal self? Is it possible he is anxious or depressed? Appreciate people leap to that very easily these days but it would be worth ruling out if you feel he's a nice bloke has changed and may be struggling.

I don't think it's your job to accommodate him more, you are already doing more than enough. My husband appreciates what I do, I don't have to manage the rest of the family around him.

What does his kicking off involve? Your kids will already know their father doesn't like them, they'll be performing fawning to appease him.
Also what @Marmalade71 said. He sounds a bit thick, thinking having so many kids would result in a tidy, quiet house with relaxation time 😄

You think him doing basic parental tasks and expecting a round of applause for it is him being an amazing dad?

I would like to answer your question by saying no its not normal but sadly it very much is. (Normal as in common not normal as in the acceptable way)

Grumpy husband syndrome. I wish there was a cure, other than divorce.

He needs to cop on, if he gave them 30 mins of his time and gave you 30 mins to organise the evening everyone would be happy.
He has to invest in ye too.
It takes more than a paycheque to be a husband and father.

Hmmm you don’t have to have a stressful job to be stressed, stress can happen to anyone, I’d be stressed doing any full time job with 3 kids.

Im stressed with 1 kid and a full time job and a supportive partner and so is he.

Having said that we don’t take it out on the kids and we both pull our weight. You need to have a serious chat about routines and how you can help each other.

My lot used to watch from the window to bombard their dad as soon as he drew up. He was always as excited to see them and hear about their days. He wouldn’t have ever mentioned the house being untidy or things left lying around, we got to that after bedtime once the chaos had calmed down. No your situation is not normal in my world. As for the person who said make him a cup of tea while he takes his shoes off pa ha ha ha ha ha we’ve moved on from being little women at their husbands beck and call.

I also want to add to mine that, if you give him 30mins to destress, think about times when you could do with the similar time to help you. Its give and take, like earlier PP who said she's a morning person and her DH is a nightowl, so they've used that to their mutual advantage.

Of course it's not normal. It's him. He needs to address the issues you describe.

When ours were little, they would rush to greet DH when he came home from work - he loved it and would play with them while I sorted dinner and he did about 50/50 of bathtime and bedtime routine too. Your DH should be happy to see his children and ask how their day has been! We're all tired at the end of the day but we don't stop being parents. He needs a kick up the arse (metaphorically!) and to be told to bloody buck up and stop being so unpleasant to be around. When the kids are older, they won't rush to greet him and they'll be busy with their own stuff!

If he dislikes being with his children week nights perhaps he should fuck of and see them every other weekend, like other men who, once they have created a family, decide they don’t really want one.

wtf has happened that making someone a cup of tea after work is now seen as some sort of weakness.

Sounds awful and self reinforcing. What if there was a rule that he could not say one word, until he’s had his cup of tea with a biscuit or whatever, and his blood sugar levels are back up. Or maybe he could have a snack in the car. Just to get back to normal and not start every evening on a downer.

It varys depending on the day and how ‘tricky’ they might be that evening.
sometimes it looks like getting annoyed, yelling and slamming doors, swearing, walking away and storming off. He always comes to say sorry to them after losing his temper but it does upset me/us and create a bit of an atmosphere.

we have spoken about it and he said he’s just a bit stressed to come in to an already noisy, messy house. Which I get. But I feel they deserve the best of him for the short time. I’m not perfect and I don’t want him to think I’m saying I am. It’s tricky .

If I ever try to speak to him about his parenting he gets defensive ‘oh sorry I’m not as perfect as you’ etc

I think in his childhood this was normal

Which he reminds me of often 🙄

He reminds you that he does his fair share of parenting the children that he chose to have? That alone would piss me off. That on top of the grumpy git thing… I think I’d have to divorce I really cannot abide huffing and puffing.