VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

OP can come to the conclusion that he’s behaving like a knobhead and also want to find a solution, they’re not mutually exclusive. The solution you suggested was that she and the kids should bend over backwards to placate the angry man. My solution was that the grown man in this scenario should take steps to manage and change his own behaviour, instead of expecting his wife and very young children to tread on eggshells.

getting annoyed, yelling and slamming doors, swearing, walking away and storming off
i know he loves them

I don't see how these two sentences correlate. He is very openly showing you all exactly what he thinks of you, believe him. Proceed with that information.

No this is not normal.

Bending over backwards its family. I love my partber and if he had been out working all day to keep a roof over our heads so I could spend more time with our children I'd absolutely be willing to have a conversation on how this issue could be resolved. No wonder the divorce rate is so high

Jesus. Are you being deliberately obtuse or are you just completely hellbent on defending this man no matter what? I haven’t said OP shouldn’t have a conversation with him (although she says he gets defensive when she’s tried in the past, so it may well not be a particularly productive conversation anyway). I’ve merely said that he as the grown up should maybe think about trying to change his behaviour and/or workout what he can do to stop normal family life triggering him rather than expecting the kids to stop being kids. Yes it’s family, his wife and kids are his family too aren’t they? Don’t they deserve to live in a home without someone shouting and slamming doors or is it just a one way street where the man and what he wants/needs is the most important?

OP is also employed, if she also chose to go home and getting annoyed, yelling and slamming doors, swearing, walking away and storming off at her kids, same as the angry man does, would that be fine, because it's family?

Oh wow this does sound like one of those hilarious articles in books from the 50s.

Working all day to keep a roof over their heads? Do you think the OP works for booze or dugs or something?

Ridiculous attitude. Working (like the majority of grown ups with kids have to do) is not an excuse to treat your family like crap for the 2-3 hours a day you see them.

Op works part time she wouldn't be coming straight home to the kids

No i think op works part time which she wouldn't be able to do without her partner. She has explained he is great in every other way except this so its a simple issue to fix. Or she could follow everyone elses advise on here and just call him names leave him and have to get a full time job have to do 100% of the housework and have to do more childcare. Or she could have a conversation with him and ask him what he needs to help this situation. Considering half the mums on here have kids with autism its amazing that people don't recognise these sort of traits in adults.

I would like to know if you would honestly say this if BOTH parents were coming home from a long day at work, scooping the children up from childcare after school on the way and depositing them at home ... because both parents opting out wouldn't really be an option...

Fo not try to manage this by managing the children. They should not be responsible for his moods. That is not a behavior you want to instill in them. It has lifelong repercussions.

The suggestion that they should make him a cup of tea is ludicrous.

He needs to be called out for his behavior and figure out a way to be a calm part of family life.

The employment hours of the spouses are irrelevant, the man is traumatising his kids.

Maybe she works part time because she HAS to? She doesn't need to be grateful that he works full time. She works part time and deals with the kids the rest of the time.

How is he great in every other way... 5 days a week he sees his children for 2-3 hours a day and during these scarce few hours he's abusive? Ya he's bloody fantastic.

You can't just decide that the OPs husband is autistic because he's an arse. She hasn't said anything like that.

What she has said is that he gets in a huff when she's tried to mention it before... so obviously NOT a simple fix.

Where do you think she goes?

If we are using the word traumatising so lightly don't you think divorce would also do that

Well if op and dh are at work i doubt her young children are at home

This. My dh was like this, I got fucking fed up of trying to keep the peace... he is ex dh now. Life's so much calmer. Think carefully before he ruins their chikdhoods.

My DH needs things pointed out to him at times or he doesn't actually realise he's doing something, or how it is affecting the rest of us. I'd calmly sit as a family and chat about this. My DH gets defensive at first when I bring something up but eventually processes it and tries to find a better way. He also expresses his anxiety/stress/overwhelm in ways that he isn't actually aware he's doing so as patronising as it sounds, needs me to help him see how he's feeling.

Grumpy old git. He's being lazy and selfish. Sounds like you're doing more than your fair share. Talk to him and tell him he is making your lives a misery by being like this snd it has to stop. X

She obviously picks them up 😂
Did you bother reading the OP?

She says he does his fair share of drop offs/pick ups, childcare and housework. The only issue seems to be the switch over from work mode to dad mode. So I personally would advise op to help him find a solution to this. Obviously op can choose to take others advice of name calling and divorce that is her choice to make

Where does it say she picks them up the second she leaves work?

OP HAS TRIED TO TALK TO HIM

God, it's infuriating that you can't be arsed reading anything

Your poor children.

When my DH was able to get home earlier the children would so thrilled to see him. Rushing to the door shouting daddy’s home. Lots of cuddles too. He used to say it was his favourite part of the day