VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

I have read it she is capable of speaking to him more then once

My husband could be a grumpy miserable sod but he was never like this when he came home the kids were happy to see him and no matter what day he had he didn’t take it out on them.
I am the worlds most tolerant person and have tolerated a lot of shit but I would never have tolerated anyone coming into the children’s home and making them feel scared or apprehensive because a grown adult cannot regulate their emotions especially their own father. You need to tell him to not come home , so what you’d have to do everything yourself that’s better than your children growing up being scared to move in their own house in case their father kicks off like a fucking dick.

God, absolutely not, no. Speaking as a former child whose parents chose to inflict trauma on me, them divorcing was one tiny mercy amidst the hell they put me through.

Have you experienced an an angry male and trauma as a child? Or are you educated in how trauma impacts a person?

I suffered severe trauma and csa until I was taking into care which has left me with cptsd and eupd what op is describing sounds a million miles away from this

So because your trauma was severe, the trauma these kids are experiencing is irrelevant? What’s the benchmark, how much trauma is ok and how much is too much? Shouting/slamming doors/storming off on a very regular basis is acceptable and the kids should simply just moderate their behaviour in order to not set their dad off? It’s their own fault. The OP should have a nice conversation with her husband and find a solution, he’s been defensive when she’s tried this before but she should just keep trying. For how long? Perhaps she could try having a weekly conversation with him and bang her head against a brick wall for the rest of her life, but what she absolutely must not do is stop trying. Maybe the dad is autistic and can’t regulate his emotions so everyone else needs to alter their behaviour around him to compensate. He couldn’t possibly put some strategies in place to manage his emotions, he’s a mere man that works full time the poor lamb! Nowhere have you suggested that perhaps the bloke should change or make an effort to deal with his emotions. It’s all on the wife, the kids and an armchair chair diagnosis of neurodivergence. Funny that.

So why wouldn't you suggest that he, too, sits in the car for 10 minutes "decompressing" before putting on a better Dad-face for his family?

Op can make her own decisions I've given my opinion and you have given yours

I would imagine she picks them up on her way back from work?
Which can be stressful.

Or she might finish at 2 and have an hour who knows 🤷‍♀️

Obviously you know because you seem to be the biggest voice on this thread 🙄

I wrote one reply to op. The rest have been answering people who are repeatedly addressing me aka you. I feel this wouldn't be an issue for you if I was agreeing with everything you said

But you're making things up to suit your own narrative

Ah, that is very different from the scenario that "sockplant" was imagining.
And, if that had been the case, then "sockplant"'s advice would have been very sensible and sound.
As it is, possibly it's a time to sit him down and explain CLEARLY AND FIRMLY how decent parents behave towards their very own children and how bad-tempered, brush-off rejections will be felt, stored and REMEMBERED by the DC forever. Is that how he wants to be remembered when HIS children are grown looking back on their experience of childhood?

What have I made up?

No, you’ve got yourself an extra child there. Get rid and enjoy the peace! You’re teaching your DC to walk on eggshells around him. Not right at all.

it looks like getting annoyed, yelling and slamming doors, swearing, walking away and storming off

This guy deserves tea and a biscuit?

You’ve inferred that the husband could be autistic and that’s the reason for his (unacceptable) behaviour and why the OP and her kids should just make him a nice cup of tea instead of winding him up with their normal family life stuff.

I do pick them up the second I leave work - and I work with kids ! So I dont get any ‘decompression time’

So as you agree I didn't actually say the husband was autistic so what part did I make up?

Thank you for clearing that up but surely you understand some people find this harder then others I never picked my kids straight up i needed half hour just like I got up before them in the morning because I needed the time.

Yes I guess that makes sense and he’s just one of those people.
I just feel sad about it because I wish he could just embrace the chaos a bit more while they are young and be more present/happy

Obviously not

I honestly think if you say to him when he is calm I understand when you walk in the door from work the kids stress you out would you feel better if you had time for a cuppa and a shower first and see what he says. If hes great with them the rest of the time and is great round the house I just think its something that can be worked around rather then leaping straight to divorce like other posters are suggesting. Obviously if he isn't interested in changing then absolutely leave. But I do think he is one of them people who just need the time to switch from work mode to dad/husband mode

No, not normal and a horrible atmosphere in which to raise your children who will always remember this.

Op finishes work at 2

OPs partner is autistic

That the children aren't subjected to trauma because your trauma was worse

Insinuating OP doesn't want to come up with a solution

That the OPs husband kindly works so that she can stay at home with the kids... but also that she isn't at home with the kids 😂

To name but a few