VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

How long is his commute from work to home?

Not normal at all. If you are treading on eggshells that can be a sign of abuse. Can you talk to him about it and how it's really negatively affecting the rest of you. If you are nervous to do that I'd be contacting women's aid for support.

Honestly OP, my heart goes out to you. I had a perfectly lovely DH- loves his kids & no issues there with temper- but our relationship had changed & he was very short with me/ grumpy/ moany & I walked on eggshells constantly. I knew this wasn't what anyone needed & we separated when the kids were 2 & 4, then divorced.

He has always been a fantastic father- he still is 17 years later- but the grumping at me really got me down. We co-parent well & he's a really good person, but I couldn't live walking on eggshells, it's truly awful. The fact that the temper is directed at your DC is much, much worse.

My DP of many years works really hard - leaves before 6am & has a physical but also supervisory/ managerial position- and we have son who has significant ASN. Life is tough & often he can walk into a meltdown/ overwhelm/ obsession, yet he NEVER loses his temper: he loves getting home & understands his child wants to see him/ offload. Your DH needs to understand how lucky he is.

Exactly. It’s not old fashioned to give a shit x

There's nothing wrong with making your partner a cup of tea... the issue is when people think making an abusive arse a cup of tea is an extra job the OP should be doing to appease him when she's the one carrying the full load of the kids for the rest of the day.

Yours sounds different, it was reciprocated. The OPs partner comes in the door all funds blazing for the 2-3 hours a day he sees his kids... definitely not an amazing Dad.

Yep, my mum was like this. She’d fly off the handle at any little thing and it was bloody awful growing up walking on eggshells, it was very damaging to me and ultimately ruined my relationship with her.

Because OP also works. She isn’t some 50s housewife sat at home all day waiting on her husband to come home.

Shes working, balancing childcare and the house and instead of her husband coming home and acting like a grumpy toddler she needs him to step up and be an equal parent and partner and pitch in as much as she does.

First rule of misogyny - women are responsible for what men do.

I don't think hes being massively unreasonable the slaming doors and swearing is ridiculous but if he is a good parent for the rest of the time and just struggles the moment he walks through the door I can understand that. This is something I struggled with straight after work and first thing in the morning, I use to purposely get up 30 minutes before the kids for this exact reason. I think you both just need a plan going forward. He comes in has a shower, make him a cup of tea let him have 10 minutes to drink it in peace then he will probably be ok and will keep everyone happier.

Funny how women working full-time colldcting children from work and going straight home to the chaos of homework, food and making a dinner can do this without resorting to abusjng their children.
He's not being asked to collect, juggle feed them.
Just not arrive home and start emotionally abusing the whole family.

Shocking behaviour and absolutely no excuse for it.
Poor woman and poor children.

Wow. That’s abusive. Fuck that. Doing a few pick ups does not compensate for being a self absorbed moody, cunt.

oh and the sorry I’m not as perfect as you is deflecting nonsense and childish.

No wonder the birth rate drops when women get an education. This is just so depressing.

Oh and my DH was out for 12 hours and then came in and cooked dinner every night for 5 years whilst I studied. My kids were small and it was tough, he only moaned about 3 times in that entire period. He is a team player and actually loves his family.

OP has said that the kids just usually want a hug and then go back to whatever they were doing. They are just happy to see him because they’ve not seen him since the night before. Are you seriously suggesting that this pathetic excuse for a father should have a shower and a nice cup of tea before he deigns to say hello to his children?

Yanbu but I will say that you are u deciding what stress level his job is. Work is a dredge to most people and any days a week sucks!!! But yes a lot of dhes are like this including my own and they are annoying, ridiculous to expect what they do and very unreasonable!!!!

So instead of being a dick, you took steps to change your behaviour so you could be a reasonable person. Yet here you suggest the OP gets more jobs to pander to this man child. I lose more hope every day reading this site.

If its causing issues yes. Its ok to say to kids daddy has just walked in give him a few minutes.

I agree.
This is why I chose never to have any kids with my first husband. He was lazy, sulky and verbally abusive.
I divorced him.

He married the girl he had an affair with and now has two kids, I believe. She's been in and out of psychiatric units and he's been left to cope.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Yeah I’m sure the 2 year old will totally understand that daddy does not want to engage with him until he’s had time
to decompress. The 8 and 6 year old
might be able to understand it as a house rule but will probably still feel it as a rejection. Never mind though, they’re only small children and their feelings aren’t as important so long as the actual grown man doesn’t have to instigate any sort of change in his own behaviour.

Plenty of parents work in jobs where they come in absolutely filthy and have to change and shower before touching anyone or anything

My builder dad was quite capable of giving me a hug covered in crap. My mum would sometimes moan 😂

You’re grasping.

Either op wants to come up with a solution with her partner going forward or wants to just call him a knob and change nothing. I gave a solution

Definitely not all dads are like this and he sounds pretty shit, especially for someone who’s had the whole day to themselves. I used to love the peace of my commute and busting into the house at 7pm with very little for me to do.

My Dh is around from the school run most days, does homework, does some of the driving around to activities, some of which don’t finish til 9pm, entertains dc while I do dinner or sometimes I have a nap (I’m off due to illness). Currently, taking them out all day today to give me a break. No huffing and puffing. Frankly, I’m not sure he knows how to make that sound.

Not normal.

You say that on paper he's a good dad but I disagree. If your roles were reversed and you behaved the way he does what type of mum would you be? Thats the type of Dad he is. The bar needs to be the same for both of you.

This, and what the poster "from 1950s" said.