VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

😂😂😂

That sounds horrible. He really isn’t a good parent.

What does he expect the house to look like/sound like with 3 kids. I can understand wanting to decompress if coming in from work, so could tell DC to wait until dad has had chance to change out of work clothes, for example, before launching themselves at him. When DH came home from work he would probably join in with whatever game DS was playing eg Lego.

Yeah its not normal at all, its selfish and unnecessary and unpleasant.

I work full time (three or four days out of home) and I wouldn’t dream of huffing and slamming doors because the house isn’t perfect when I get home.

He needs to grow up and realise he could damage the relationship with his children. Or ship out.

Yes, he is walking in from work where he hasn't seen the children for probably 20+ hours beforehand. Whilst the OP gets kids up and out the door every morning, goes to work, picks up kids, does the activities, feeds them throughout the day.

Why does she not get the same grace?

A 2yr old is going to be excited no matter who comes in the door. My 2yr old jumps around every mirning when he sees the postman.

If a grown man can't compose himself and participate in HIS family life for 2 hours an evening there's something wrong and he's selfish (whether that's subconsciously or not).

I actually think his childhood home was a bit like this !! (No he’s not that old but very traditional upbringing)

although he says he doesn’t agree with his parents values I don’t always see it in practice .

What was he like with your older two? Did he want a third? How old is he?
It needs to stop, but the discussions around things would change depending on the answers to the above. IME men get grumpier and he us in very bad habits, slamming doors etc is now considered abuse. He is starting to top over and it needs addressing ASAP.

This makes me sad and deep down I worry about it.
I asked him once are you actually happy with our life? He got annoyed OF COURSE I am how could you say that etc …
I know he loves them.

DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

How would he describe his job/commute? Some people are rubbish at saying what's wrong. OH has a habit of bottling things up, everything is OK but you know it isn't. He's just been raised with the idea that men don't complain about emotional issues.

Perhaps your DH doesn't like his job/commute but saying something will sound like failure so he sucks it up and the initial grumpiness is him trying to unwind and let that resentment go.

Or he could just be a misery in the evening.

He isn’t a good dad though is he? He takes the bits of parenting he finds palatable and holds that over your head as if he is some magical father whilst emotionally letting them down and causing them harm

It's one thing being a bit tired and grumpy, swearing and slamming doors is another level. That's really horrible behaviour and really upsetting for the DC.

Can you suggest he do something between work and home like a short gym session so he can relax a bit?

it sounds tbh like he’s wiped from work, and finds it overwhelming when he comes home?

does he do things for himself otherwise?

“Pestering” wow, he’s their dad and they’re happy to see him. He doesn’t sound very nice and no it’s not every dh.

I was going to ask about his commute too. Dh worked close to home and hated coming back to chaos and noise, much more so when work was stressful. The transition from work to kids was too short.
If he’s home at the same time time each day it wouldn’t hurt to try and set the kids up with something engaging, tv, Lego, a game or out in the garden and have a quick whip around the chaos - not because the 1950’s are calling but because no one loves chaos if they’re already stressed, the senses get overwhelmed

I can't believe some of these replies. He is behaving appallingly. He can think of ways to smooth the transition between work and home; it shouldn't be another thing on the OPs to do list.

So he said he wanted 3 kids and promised to be hands on dad and went back on his word?

I make my DH a cup of tea when he gets home from work, didn't realise that made me a 1950s housewife. When I used to work later than him he used to make me a cup of tea too. Are we never allowed to make drinks for our partners?
OP my DH always has a shower when he gets in and then he will sit with the kids or take them to an activity or play with youngest.
Maybe your DH also needs that bit of time to switch from one mode to the other. It's tough coming home and having to be in parent mode straight away. If you do give him this time he also has to allow you 30 minutes or whatever to de-stress.
If he's still shouting at the kids and refusing to engage with them, time for a serious talk about what the hell is going on.

I used a local childminder, who was excellent. When her husband and son came in from work, both builders, all the kids would go mad with excitement and they would both play with them for a while. They loved it! However, all the kids would be gone by 6pm. I suppose knowing that they would have a peaceful evening made it easier!

He sounds like my Dad. It will be having a massive impact on your DC. He needs to get control of his emotions, and not take out his frustrations on his family.

This! swearing & slamming about with such young children is really shitty behaviour

All these responses saying, oh make sure the children are busy, make him a cup of tea, he needs a calmer transition from work to home, he needs time to decompress....ridiculous

Is OP getting this when she goes from work to pick up the kids and have them on her own till he gets back? What about her gentle decompression time? She manages, so can he!

Sorry but if you choose to have 3 children close in age then walking in from work is going to be chaotic. Decompress on your commute home. If you want a calm home don't habe 3 kids close in age.

No, my DH is genuinely not like this. He doesn't pick up 50/50 of stuff and mental load is a lot of me, I definitely don't have the mumsnet unicorn husband that some women here brag about. But he is genuinely excited to come through the door every evening. Doesn't even get changed, he sits down and sets up games for toddler.

That being said, my parents were BOTH like your DH. Always stressed and exhausted and with a short fuse. It definitely affected me, I never felt able to tell them about problems at school, when I was getting bullied, I just never asked for help. Still don't, as an adult.

I always blamed their long working hours but now they're retired, they're the same, sadly. It's who they are.

Oh that sounds sad. I have a high stress / pressured job. When I get home and my kids run up to me and jump all over me, it is lovely. Then all playing together and being silly as a family and taking turns reading stories to our kids. I am sorry you find it hard to decompress but your kids are not the problem.

This is abuse of you all and is enormously damaging to yourself and the children.

They are taking it all in and their little nervous systems will be changing.

His smashing, banging and yelling is all domestic abuse.
Your trying to manage them, him, the environment is all proof of that.

You need to contact a domestic abuse charity and talk honestly.

You need to take action and tell him it is not acceptable.

He shuts YOU down with anger and nastiness about you being perfect.

Long term it will be much better if he leaves the home.
The damage he is doing to your children will last a lifetime.
I'm so sorry.

Tell family and friends the truth, so you can be supported.

"Amazing dad"

Does not match up with

sometimes it looks like getting annoyed, yelling and slamming doors, swearing, walking away and storming off.

He's not an amazing dad at all. He's an impatient, shitty, angry dad who is annoyed by his kids and makes that clear to them and you. You're lying to yourself about him.

Does he act like this at work? I doubt it.

He gives his family the worst side of him and this is what your kids are being modeled for relationships and family. Husbands are complaining, angry pricks and dads yell and swear and slam doors and are angry most of the time.

That's unacceptable behaviour. He needs an attitude adjustment because your poor kids. You're going to have to address this with him and I bet he'll get mad about that too.

I thought marriage counseling but on second thought, I wouldn't recommend marriage counseling. He comes uncomfortably close to abusive and never go to counseling with an abusive spouse.

His behaviour is unacceptable and it’s his responsibility to admit that and make a plan to change.