VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

Let the poor man have a little downtime when he gets in from work . Then let the kids at him

OP he is abusive. He is old enough and should be mentally and emotionally mature enough to handle a day at work without coming home every night shouting, swearing and slamming doors. Him reminding you of all he does is him outing himself as a manipulator. You not being able to confront him on his behaviour without him resorting to belittling you is abuse.

I can say from experience the abusive behaviour followed by an apology will do a significant amount of damage. Do not take that lightly. It will create a fear of him from your children, making them walk on eggshells around him to not trigger his nasty moods. It can also damage them quite badly by them craving his good mood and becoming shy and introverted as to never be a bother to him. Kids are supposed to be loud and proud about it, as you are aware, but he is not.

If youre in a situation where everyone dreads dad coming home because of his mood, its not healthy. If its a situation of hearing the door opening and thinking "shit, quick, everyone be quiet" it is not healthy, and highly damaging. That is how I grew up and it affects me to this day.

Make up something means stating actual facts not saying have you thought it might be this surely you understand that?

sometimes it looks like getting annoyed, yelling and slamming doors, swearing, walking away and storming off.

So, when his kids (one of whom is a toddler) are excited to greet him with a hug when he gets home, he’s sometimes verbally abusive and aggressive? And when you try to talk to him about it, he dismisses you as being ‘perfect’.

Oh dear. This is not being a good dad.

This is him modelling abusive behaviour to his kids.

What would he say if the kids yell, slam doors, swear and storm off when he tries to greet them with a hug? Which they may well do if this carries on, as children learn how to behave from parents.

Would he behave like this if another adult (e.g. a friend or childminder) was present? Would he behave like this to work colleagues if he was hungry or tired? I assume not. So, he is able to control his behaviour. Just chooses not to in front of his own children and wife, who he should respect and love more than anyone.

As for the mess, he’s their parent. It’s his home. If he thinks it’s too messy, he can take responsibility for clearing it up, can’t he? Or does he think that’s women’s work? Does he ever look after them on his own, so he knows how challenging it is? [Not that it’d be a good idea to leave them alone with him if he behaves like this].

Time for you to set a very clear boundary that it’s not acceptable. And get support from a domestic abuse agency if he keeps trying to excuse his behaviour. Saying sorry is meaningless if he repeats the behaviour - some men hit their wives and say sorry afterwards, then do it again. If a person’s truly sorry for their behaviour, they avoid repeating it. If he’s capable of working, he’s capable of researching ways to regulate his behaviour, including via therapy.

I do understand.

You are the one who cannot comprehend.

Bye bye darling. I'm not wasting my time on you.

He’s probably having an affair - like the majority of men.

Don't say that @BudgetBusterwill come for you for making stuff up

Its not about making him a cup of tea being weakness, its about suggesting making him a cup of tea when he gets home in hopes of him not being abusive. Slamming doors, swearing, shouting about mess, huffing and puffing, manipulating OP into thinking he does so much for them, gaslighting her into thinking shes bigging herself up for calling him out on his abusive behaviour is disgusting.

No actually. Using the word probably makes it clear the writer of the comment isn't sure.

But again, you cannot comprehend that.

Inferred or completely made up, what does it matter? You are extrapolating stuff that you don’t actually know to be true into the scenario in order to try to prove your point.

You say OP should have a conversation with her husband to try to find a solution, I and others point out thatOP has tried to do this and the husband has been dismissive. Your response is to say “she is capable of speaking to him more than once” but you don’t know how many times she has spoken to him about this already. Then when another poster asked whether the OP should similarly be entitled to time to decompress after work, you said that as OP worked part time “she wouldn’t be coming straight home to the kids”. You didn’t know that to be the case and OP has now actually clarified that you are wrong on this so you have made this up to prop up your argument.

You then went on to infer that the husband might be behaving this way due to autism and that OP could have a conversation with him and ask him what he needs to help this situation. Again, she has had a conversation (or possibly mutliple conversations) with him so you repeatedly saying this is as if OP hasn’t tried this is misrepresenting the situation. You might not be out and out making things up, but you are trying to put a spin on things for some bizarre reason.

None of us know anything its an anonymous forum

So probably is ok but might isn't what other rules do you have for us all to follow

I can't believe you said op possibly had multiple conversations without knowing stop making things up
edit sorry wrong poster

We know what the OP has told us, you’ve either ignored some of that (just have a conversation with him - she has!) or made assumptions that aren’t necessarily true. You clearly have an agenda here and I’m not going to engage any further.

The clue is in the word “possibly”. I don’t know how many conversations she had. Neither do you.

I was abused for years and didn’t know it. Just saying.

I’m 30 and had a weird relationship with my dad who would randomly go into sulks for months at a time and not speak to us, and my mum used to say she’d go to extra lengths to correct our behaviour to not piss him off - we were good kids but he would get in a mood over nothing. You saying ‘I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now.’ makes me feel so sad, you shouldn’t have to put up from that with your partner or feel that level of stress - is this the kind of environment you truly want your kids to grow up in?

No that’s not on and sounds a bit abusive (obv I don’t know how bad it is) it seems like you’re frightened he’s going to kick
off so you’re getting stressed trying to keep things calm with the kids? Yesterday evening my kids were driving me nuts and I lost it and told them off quite sternly just as my husband walked in. I then huffed about clearing up their mess etc and was over stimulated and grumpy. My DH took over and put both kids to bed while I had a glass of wine. I’m not saying he’s perfect look how lucky I am but when one of you is struggling the other needs to step up. And even though he’s worked hard so have you looking after kids is hard and tiring.

So can you genuinely explain to me why the word possibly is acceptable but the word might isn't 🤔

Isn’t that what the commute does, though? Its time alone to decompress.

What does he think the house would be like ?! he has three kids for gods sake ?!!
I have three myself. It was so sad to read about them rushing to greet their father when he comes home to be met with the grinch. I couldn’t live with this.

Thanks for all the replies - it’s a bit divided! I guess it’s not black and white. A few answers to questions:

• his commute is 40 mins on his own in the car
• he will come in and make a tea straight away, and usually eat. During this time if they are happy to sit calmly with him and have a cuddle he is good. If they are a bit bouncy (usually) and loud he struggles to cope with it.
• it can take any amount of time between 5 mins of being home to 1 hour but he usually has at least one outburst , it’s unpredictable
• I have found myself trying to madly tidy up and get them ‘calm’ or watching tv before he comes home to avoid the atmosphere
• sometimes he’s also like it on the weekends especially if we are busy
• I don’t believe he’s having an affair as I know the hours he’s actually at work and I don’t think he’d have the time or energy!
• he is early 40s and the third was planned
• he’s always been like this
• yes he will tidy up himself but it’s the priority rather than spending a small amount of happy times with the kids

An example, Friday night he came home a bit later and the children are upstairs, dinner is already done by me and cleaned up. Normal level of after school mess downstairs. Little one in the bath and big two playing in their room - normal kids stuff they still ‘play’ and make a mess

When he comes up his first reaction is ‘oh my god this place is a shit tip clean it up now I know what will happen you will leave it all til tomorrow ‘ and so on , storms off and sits on his phone while the little ones in the bath. He then gets annoyed with her and raises his voice as she tipped some water out the bath.

it just feels like he can’t regulate his emotions and the eldest is starting to copy a few things :( especially the door slamming

I wouldn’t describe him as abusive but he definitely makes me feel silly when I raise things . You are lucky to have a husband who cooks and knows where the hoover is etc

his dad did eff all growing up

extreme stress, trauma, will contribute to not being able to regulate emotions? A friends hubby has recently been diagnosed with bi polar after similar behaviour. And my ex partner was having a double life, without my knowledge and I thought I knew his work hours too, and seeing as we’d just had baby twins I too thought he wouldn’t have the time. Little did I know. He would always complain about his upbringing making me feel sorry for him. It was exactly the response he was after so he could continue being abusive under his disguise.

You should describe him as abusive.
Because he is.
He sounds absolutley awful and i wouldnt let him in my home never mind near my children.
Who the f does he think he is.
Hes a bully. An out and out abusive bully.
This will only get worse.

If this is your normal, if he has always been like this I think that is quite concerning, and yes it is modelling to the children ways to behave that you really don't want them to copy. It sounds like quite a stressful home life.