VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

Bollocks to that. He’s had a day of hot cups of tea and adult conversation. He has had a journey to and from work with just his own thoughts. He has had a lunch break. He’s had one job to do all day. Meanwhile she has probably not had one hit cup of tea and her head will have been full of the entire mental load and emotional labour, I don’t doubt. He should decompress in his journey home and make her a cup of tea when he gets home. Life at home is brutal and relentless when they are little.

OP read or listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodesky. It’s a quick one and helps to put into perspective the hidden load you are probably carrying.

So he’s abusive to the kids?

Well , I didn’t realise it’s considered abusive but he does get angry and shout at them yes :( sometimes swearing is involved or he calls them idiots or something .

Usually once he’s stormed off for a bit he will come back all hugs and feeling bad so he knows it’s wrong

Yes , I have brought it up with him
many times. Usually the response is either:

• I know; I’m sorry. Im a terrible dad. I didn’t have a good role model growing up, I will try harder (nothing changes)
• Sorry you are so perfect and I am a dreadful parent (he is cross) . We can’t all be as perfect as you
• They are naughty and they need to learn
• you know I can’t relax while the house is messy/I’m hungry

or a mix of these

In terms of the hangry thing he does acknowledge he gets angry when hungry so if we have eaten before he gets in he has leftovers before we start bedtime

he does help with bedtime and there are many many times when he has lovely moments, reads stories and cuddles. It’s just dependent on his mood which is starting to get me down a bit now

He's now being a terrible role model for your kids.

I just wish you could try and gain some insight into just how confusing this must be for your children.

Screaming, swearing, angry father, who then is cuddling them later with a story.

Its so fxxked up.
The damage is huge.
The damage is so real.
There is no safety.
The live on the edge of his mood.

The long term collateral damage of what you describe is so awful.

Anxiety, low mood, confusion, difficulties with forming healthy relationships and friendships are all the result of house terrorists like your husband.

You sound like a really lovely mum but you simply cannot protect them from the damage he is doing to them every day and how the stress of him will be changing their growing brain.

Please reach out for advice and support.

Street angel house devil.
Thats what my father was.
Such awful behaviour. No good time or cuddle ever ever ever makes up for it.

thank you for your comment. It’s very hard to see it written down but I’m starting to wake up to it.

Does anyone think that therapy could help him become better at regulating ?

I feel like I need therapy at this point too !

This should be on a placard.
It really sums it up.

It remains with you even 40 years later.
I never forgave my mother for tolerating it.

I cut them both off after one of his moods early on in my marriage.
It wasn't even a really bad mood, but I just knew I was so done.

I went NC and no amount of occasional efforts from them were entertained by me.

Life was 100 times better without the stress of my lovely MC home.

Protect your children.
Bottom line is that they will grow up having zero expectations of him and he will be nothing to them. But they will hold you to account for not protecting them better.
Unfair perhaps...but the truth.

This! I am convinced growing up in this environment has 1. Made me a massive people pleaser 2. Made me a “crier”. As soon as I get an inkling someone is upset about something I go into people pleasing mode and I can’t handle any confrontation without bursting into tears. If my dad’s mood was bad crying was the quickest way to get him to leave me alone - I learnt that very early on and have never been able to unlearn that behaviour.

My 2DCs DF gets a bit arsey with our 2 if they're 'too noisy' or playing 'too noisily' when he gets in from work.
Thing is, the happiness that is coming from my DC means more to me than his gripe over the fact he has to read the same sentence again and again because he got lost because he had to look up.

Or he'll have fallen asleep and no one's noticed and then a big noise..... Cue grumpy man.

Just one of the reasons why I've broken up with him.

You so need to invest in yourself now.
Earlier rather than later!
You have been conditioned to live on your nerves, so you are slways trying to control and manage other people.
So exhausting.
So fxxked up.
So damaging to YOUR health.
So so linked to autoimmune diseases in women in their 40's and beyond.
So awful.
Start reading and educating yourself.
Pull back from any people pleaser relationships and invest that time in healing yourself.

Its awful when your health goes.
Get ahead of it now when you can.

When Women's health fails because of a shit childhood, your financial situation really comes into play.
If you are not very financially comfortable, you are doubly fxxked.
I wish women realised this.
It really costs money to drop £100+ for every treatment that can help you.
Get ahead of it all now.

The poor kids mustn't know where they stand with him. They'll end up walking on eggshells and thinking it's a normal way to live.

Calling your kids idiots and swearing at them is definitely not normal. Most parents lose their temper sometimes, but when you get angry and frustrated with the kids, would you ever swear or call them names? You know you wouldn't. This repeated pattern of him swearing and insulting them then being all apologies must be so disorientating and scary for them. I don't expect an answer to this question, but I'm wondering if he gives you the same treatment if you say no to sex?

Honestly my DH is WFH and I work out the house I'm leaving as the kids get up and I return around 6.30/7 depending on traffic. My DH always lets me have a shower, get changed and decompress away from the kids for ½ hour before the kids come running for cuddles, stories etc.
He does this by making their tea for when I get home.
We didn't always do this, but I was generally stressed and not in a great mood when I got home, so I was not being a great mum to the kids - the slightest thing would annoy me. And the kids weren't happy either.
Now we're all a lot happier, and the kids are calmer for bed etc

No other people's kids aren't emptying all their clothes over the floor! At your kids ages they're old enough to know that they get one thing out and then put it away once they've finished with it before getting something else out.

The one emptying the barbie clothes on the floor is 2…

Maybe I need to train them better 😂

@Lifestresslifestress Your updates have made me so sad, this has changed from a man who’s coming in occasionally grumpy and then manages to turn his mood around to a man who’s swearing at his children, slamming doors and then switching his mood up like Jekyll and Hyde.

Your children’s nervous systems must be shot and they must be living in a constant state of confusion not knowing what they’re going to be greeted with and when it will change and believe me it will have life long repercussions if not sorted asap.

You need to address this head on and tell him it’s not acceptable anymore. He needs to start therapy asap to show he wants to change or he needs to leave.

And when you were annoyed did you huff about, slamming doors, shouting, swearing and calling the kids idiots?

somehow I suspect not

I can assure you my 2 year old empties toys on the floor. What a ridiculous comment

I'm sorry to read this. 😔
He sounds like Jekyll & Hyde!

I would put down some house rules that he and the kids abide by, so he is modelling them to the children.
No swearing, no shouting, no jumping on furniture. You can get a laminated sign on Amazon, and he needs to follow it, not just the children. 😬https://www.amazon.co.uk/Happy-Learners-Behaviour-Poster-Bundle/dp/B07PHMVJQP/ref=asc_df_B07PHMVJQP?mcid=5b8f0424f61f312898e960c55ba01412&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697249427460&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18133043634278446898&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046610&hvtargid=pla-736960292836&psc=1&hvocijid=18133043634278446898-B07PHMVJQP-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

I would have a tidy up time, either before their dinner, or before they go to bed (after he's come home) so they can learn to help with their toys (we did this with the song Let's tidy up on YouTube by Amanda's action club) and it worked for us.
He can always help the kids tidy it before they go to bed, as it's then a fun game with music. 🎵
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOIOI5hnrDg

As for Jekyll & Hyde, he needs to stay in the car for 10 minutes or so, or even walk around the block before he comes in the house. He needs to give his head a massive wobble and learn to calm the fuck down. Tell him to expect mess as it NORMAL. 🚗

If he gets hangry, tell HIM to pack an afternoon snack and some water, so that he can eat and rehydrate before or during his drive home from work so he isn't hangry and taking it out on his poor family. 💧

Marriage counselling sounds like a good option.
Random question but would like listen to a professional? Would it matter if the marriage counsellor was male or female?

He needs to learn decompression and sort this, or he will show your kids that it's okay to walk on eggs shells so as not to upset daddy. And if you do upset him, he will give you a hug afterwards with a sorry, and then everything is magically okay. Awful awful awful. 😖

He needs to sort this, or else he will be the person in future who states... 'the divorce came out of nowhere'.

Sending hugs 🫂
@Lifestresslifestress

some good suggestions here thank you

yesterday was a good day! So I’m feeling positive today 😁

I have reached out to a therapist and I think I will do a few sessions for myself first and then do some together. It’s a female therapist as I don’t think I would trust a man fully - rightly or wrongly!

I'm sorry but nobody should be calling kids idiots. My kids are mid 20's and i've never called them an idiot (other than in a jokey way when we were all joking) - that's just not acceptable (i've also never sworn at my kids but appreciate i'm in the minority on this one). He does sound very much like my ex husband. I left because i didn't want my kids growing up thinking this was normal behaviour.

We have 3 DC 3 years apart in total and am a DH with a DW who does the hard yards while I am at work no matter what my job entails. I quickly realised that when you get home you are 'on'. This means don't go home until you are in the right frame of mind. If this is right away then great but if this means going to the gym, stopping off for a bite to eat or swift half at the pub, so be it. But any working parent who comes home at the end of the day to the other parent who has been looking after little ones all day must not come back like the returning bread winner/conquerer but someone who is willing to take the strain off the other parent who has been looking after their kids the whole day.

How do you know he loves them? Because he's certainly not showing it that's for sure