Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

Give it a year or two and she'll get battered by him.

Nip this in the bud now.

I came from a physically abusive family and it's never forgotten.

Well, he’s learnt a valuable lesson that he needs to keep his hands to himself!

Sounds like he was winding her up because he can’t cope with his sister being better than him.

I think my focus in this situation would be on the son, being competitive is understandable but not to the extent that you become violent when you’re not winning

fair play to your daughter, fuck around and find out

He must have been badly hurt for you to have had to carry him indoors. I think you need to punish them both. Your son for hitting his younger sister and your daughter for going too far in fighting back.

Self defence is supposed to be proportionate to the attack. If someone slaps you and you hit them with a hammer, it's no longer self-defence. Your daughter needs to understand the difference. Your son also needs a strong word about violence and anger management. Both behaved poorly and nothing there to be proud of.

@ArchieStar yes that’s exactly what it is but I’m wondering the best way to deal with it.

No more rough housing for them full stop like a pp says one day he will beat her and badly if he’s this jealous already.

Stern words to him about hitting to start with.

Both are in the wrong, two wrongs don’t make a right. I’d ground them both for fighting and explain that hitting another person is not acceptable.

DS crossed a line, and was taught that he cannot get away with hitting a girl. Don't do it DS. I don't think this is a situation where DD should be punished. She defended herself, that's all.

His birthday is coming up on Friday next week so I’m just thinking of cancelling the cinema we’ve booked. Too harsh? I just don’t want it happening again.

I think right now they’re young enough and relatively evenly matched enough that you can deal with this like any childhood sibling fight.

but very very soon DS is likely to have a massive growth spurt and will very likely be much bigger than your daughter.

I think it’s probably time to put the kibosh on physical altercations now- and make them something you come down on both of them like a tonne of bricks for - before it becomes a more serious issue

Would you feel proud if it was him that beat her? As a mother what a weirdo you are for even thinking like that.
he was wrong but she was far worse, because the time will come when he will do the same. You need to give them both a consequence but hers far more serious

And what about her??

Both of them need to understand the difference between strength used for positive purposes eg sport and strength used for violence ie fighting. My bother (younger than me) and I used to fight a lot but I knew at this age there were limits when I kicked him in the face, causing a nosebleed. Same punishment for both, I reckon.

I’d be more worried that he got physical because he’s a sore loser and as you say “tried to subdue her”. I’d be having firm words with him about that.

This is the issue @ForAmpleRobin, he started it, and she took it too far. I’m not making excuses, she was probably completely fed up of him being such pain in the arse, which explains* *her over-correction but doesn’t excuse it. He needs a serious talking to about his behaviour, and she needs to be reprimanded to taking it too far.

Sounds like she went a bit further than that.

You make a very clear rule to both of them that you don’t hit each other in your family, ever. This is serious, you’re proud she beat him up?! You do not want this to escalate.

WTAF

Why would your DS (and you) feel more concerned about your DS pride being dented by DN telling others he was beaten up by his sister than worried that your daughter is known for battering her brother to the extent he needed carrying?

This all sounds absolutely awful. I would not want any of this going on in my family. The competitiveness, the 'shame' being beaten by girls, the rough play, the retaliation.

I would be absolutely horrified if any of my dc laid hands on each other and to cause visible injury is off the scale unacceptable.

Your dd and dn can train for xc properly and appropriately, and their talents should not be something that they taunt others with. Your ds can choose to work on physical activity goals too if he likes, or accept different people are good at different things.

No one should ever hit another person, ever.

I think there are things they both need to learn. And I don’t think using a Birthday as punishment is fair unless in extreme situations.

You’re proud that your DD beat up your DS so badly that he couldn’t walk?!

I would be mortified if my DC thought that kind of behaviour was acceptable. Sounds like they're both as horrible as each other.

Tough shit to him, he won't hit her again will he?

Well done your daughter!!!