Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

629 replies

ForAmpleRobin · 13/03/2026 18:39

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

OP posts:

Igu · 16/03/2026 03:39

It’s a bit of a FAFO situation to be honest, he hit her because he didn’t like a younger girl being stronger than him but of course with her being stronger he is obviously going to come off worse if she retaliates, which is exactly what happened.

Not saying beating him to a pulp is acceptable by any means but it’s a natural consequence of his actions. And to be honest I’m shocked that an almost 12 year old boy thought the best response to a bruised ego was to hit his sister, way too old for that kind of behaviour! He’ll most likely not disrespect her again after this for a while but I would I would definitely consider both of them to get some anger management counselling before it happens with other children outside of the home. You can’t just let it go as it these issues could continue into adolescence or even adulthood.

Gloriia · 16/03/2026 07:49

'Not saying beating him to a pulp is acceptable by any means but it’s a natural consequence of his actions'

Beating anyone to a pulp is never a 'natural consequence'.

The op should be parenting her kids and teach them how to de escalate a situation not seriously assault each other.

Gray67 · 16/03/2026 13:57

jacks11 · 16/03/2026 02:31

@ForAmpleRobin

I am not seeing much to be proud of here. Your DD has caused harm to her brother to the point when you had to carry him in to the house and he is covered in cuts and bruises- and you are proud of her? You seem more annoyed with your DS than your DD- why is that? Both totally in the wrong, IMHO.

I’d be really concerned that your DD went so far in retaliation. I’d be annoyed with DS too, and upset that he had been physically aggressive towards his sister, but her behaviour would be more of a worry, if I’m honest, as it sounds like she lost control a bit.

I don’t think your DS should get a harsher punishment than your DD. Yes, he started it and deserves consequences for that (and if he has been injured,
and by your own estimation humiliated, I’d argue that’s a consequence there), so a punishment of some kind is needed. He absolutely should not be hitting his sister and he needs to understand that. However, if you make his punishment worse than the sister who has actually harmed him, I think that would be grossly unfair in a way which is likely to stick with him. And potentially impact his relationship with you and his sister. It could appear that you condone her actions, whilst condemning his.

Your DD, on the other hand, does not deserve praise for beating her brother up. Self-defence is only ever allowed to be proportionate to that needed to defend yourself- straying beyond that boundary can be viewed as assault by law (obviously not saying it would be in this case, given their ages). It sounds like she stepped way, way over the line of self-defence given she caused notable and multiple injuries to her brother. I’d be horrified and in no way proud of her. If she did this to another child- even one who started it- there could be serious consequences for her. She needs to understand how wrong her actions were and that self-defence is one thing, but what she dis was an entirely different matter.

How would you react if another child hurt either of them to the extent your DD hurt your son?

This is great advice.

Gray67 · 16/03/2026 13:58

Gloriia · 16/03/2026 07:49

'Not saying beating him to a pulp is acceptable by any means but it’s a natural consequence of his actions'

Beating anyone to a pulp is never a 'natural consequence'.

The op should be parenting her kids and teach them how to de escalate a situation not seriously assault each other.

This also.

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