Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

It’s a bit of a FAFO situation to be honest, he hit her because he didn’t like a younger girl being stronger than him but of course with her being stronger he is obviously going to come off worse if she retaliates, which is exactly what happened.

Not saying beating him to a pulp is acceptable by any means but it’s a natural consequence of his actions. And to be honest I’m shocked that an almost 12 year old boy thought the best response to a bruised ego was to hit his sister, way too old for that kind of behaviour! He’ll most likely not disrespect her again after this for a while but I would I would definitely consider both of them to get some anger management counselling before it happens with other children outside of the home. You can’t just let it go as it these issues could continue into adolescence or even adulthood.

'Not saying beating him to a pulp is acceptable by any means but it’s a natural consequence of his actions'

Beating anyone to a pulp is never a 'natural consequence'.

The op should be parenting her kids and teach them how to de escalate a situation not seriously assault each other.

This is great advice.

This also.

For defending herself?

I would be deeply concerned that my son feels so entitled to win that he is going to turn to violence. This is a window into what it's like when children grow up.

As the saying goes, men worry women will laugh at them and women worry men will kill him.

You need to address it with him immediately.

Get your daughter into self-defence classes so she can learn when and how much is proportional in these scenarios. It's not just about teaching kids how to defend themselves but also knowing their own strength. She obviously lost her temper with him but I was raised as a girl that if someone hits you that you hit them until they can't hit you back.
I wonder how much she had put up with from all his jealousy and entitlement. Not nice as a mum for your son to be covered in cuts and bruises but in this world where there's so much violence towards girls and women I would want to be really careful in how I managed it. Good that she can look after herself!

This is absolutely disgraceful behaviour! You should not be proud at all.

I'd be delighted
Fuck around and find out
Best he learns now than does it with the wrong person when he is older

zooooooooombieeeeeeeee

I think you should sit your DS down and talk to him about why he feels the need to complete with his sister and his cousin about this OP. Has his DF, or an Uncle or other older male, told him that he's a wuss and should be able to run faster than his younger sister? Do you as parents make comparisons about them in front of them, maybe saying how good your daughter is at running, causing her to tease him about her being better at physical things than he is? It's so easy to do these things without realising the effect it can have on kids. I think you need to make him see that different people excel in different things, and he needs to find his niche. He might find that he's a great cook for example, which in turn might make his sister envious of his abilities in the kitchen. Sibling rivalry is always going to be a thing, but in my opinion as parents we need to find the things that our children are good at, and then praise them as equally as possible about their different skills, showing them that they are all valued in different ways.

If it had been the other way around would you be punishing your daughter? It sounds like he’s been punished enough tbh. Your 11 year old son was absolutely wrong he should not have hit his sister . Your daughter was right to defend herself but wrong to beat him up to the extent that he has cuts and bruises , I mean really? She needs to understand when to stop. It’s awful that it got that far. What if she does this at school next?

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. If your DS gets a growth spurt on and puts on some adolescent muscle and starts 'outperforming' his DS are you going to have the same mindset.

Its quite obvious both have aggression issues so its quite likely DD will again try to put him in his place. Is it then ok for DS to smack her about until she is covered in cuts and bruises? Maybe make sure she doesnt try it again and really give her a going over.

You see being aggressive isnt a nice mindset. In fact its vulgar whether its a boy or a girl involved. Its even more vulgar when its siblings and you are getting satisfaction from it.

Personally i would take the opportunity to point out the differences in maturity of young boys and girls and how they develop at different rates. Assure the boy he will have the benefit of testosterone in the future and he will have plenty of opportunity to make the most of it if he wants to be sporty/strong/fast etc. At present the girls have a bit of an advantage but using that to overpower a boy is a dangerous path to follow.

I had similar massively strong young girl and weaker (not athletic boy). If i ever witnessed either of them raising hands to each other i would have dealt with it immediately. My son is now twice the size off his sister now and i hate to think how unhealthy it would be if he had anger towards her now.

Appropriate punishment would be your dd not going running or doing any exercise for a month.

If her strength is being used to beat someone so badly that they can’t walk then she needs to learn to manage her anger

Your son needs to learn to walk away from competitions he has no way of winning and eventually his mother who has shown she has her favourite child

This post is 5 months old……. 🧟

I would be furious at both of them. No fighting, no play fighting or rough housing. You do not touch another person's body without their permission. They both need to learn constraint.

75% of the people on mn only read the first post (thats one for the stats thread!). They don't even read the ops updates so you're flogging a dead un I'm afraid

Tho be interesting 5mths on if they did fight again or that both have learnt a lesson @ForAmpleRobin