Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

Although, the problem is that he’s likely to shoot up in the next year or two and if this dynamic continues, a horrifying conclusion could result.

These comments are absolutely unbelievable. No one would be condoning this if the genders were reversed.

And if a bigger male attacks you, what do you do? Use your calm words? Just simply take it? Put on a podcast about feelings? No. You fight back.

This.

if she punched him back - fair play.

Bit beating him black and blue is not self defence it’s assault.

And if she’d hit him and he’d beaten her in retaliation you wouldn’t be questioning your stance.

My brother and I fought like cat and dog when we were young. Nothing unusual in ‘play fighting’ and it can easily get out of hand.

I’m also team DD. Well done her. She’s hardly likely to randomly set about someone at school is she?

Agree with others that this needs careful handling with your son.

She needs to learn defending yourself doesn't mean beating someone up so badly that they can't walk.

So what do we teach OPs daughter to do? Take it?

I actually reckon this will be a very good life lesson for OPs son.

Wow this is completely mad. They should not have been playing the game in the first place . Of course it was going to be humiliating for him. Especially if your dd and dn are quite bad winners. They are to old to be play fighting.
He should never have hit but then her reaction sounds way overboard.

All you have taught any of them is how to hurt and humilate each other .

But they weren’t were they.

I would put a strict 'keep hands to self' rule in place. Like others I grew up in a violent household, where my siblings and I would beat each other up. We have zero relationship as adults.

Asking for it, provoked her, deserved it.

Can anyone imagine this being said about an 11 year old girl being attacked by her 9 year old sibling? These are not adults in an abusive relationship, these are children. If she is being pushed to this limit by her older sibling, if it comes after a pattern of him being deliberately cruel to her, why the hell hasn’t an adult stepped in and put a stop to it long before now?

If it was her exerting her dominance over him because she was pissed off that he hit her, why is it acceptable for an adult to cheer her on and be proud?

Both of these children have an anger problem and this needs to be dealt with. After a stern talking to about how it is not acceptable to use violence, except in life threatening situations, the parents need to look at how they are allowing their children to exhibit these traits and work with them to turn things around. This is a toxic situation for all involved.

Anyone cheering her on because “he shouldn’t have hit a girl” when she has retaliated with a massively inappropriate response that quite badly injured her brother, needs to have a word with themselves.

He couldn’t walk and I think that’s a problem. I think others are right to point out that self defence shouldnt be disproportionate.

Exactly… the ‘what-about-er-ists’ are out in full force. If anybody stronger (be it age, sex, etc) picks on somebody else it isn’t fair.

Im interested to know what she was using to beat him so badly, her hands, fists, a weapon, her feet, was he on the floor and her on top of him, how was this actually happening

She sounds like a violent little thug.

No they weren't but frankly the message that violence is never ok unless it's female on male isn't one we should be sending.

Unless OPs daughter broke both of his legs & his back then I highly doubt he couldn’t walk. I think he was probably utterly shocked.

Like I said, I’d talk to OPs daughter about proportionality but this was self defence.

If she was winning the games, many based on strength, wasn't she picking on him? Oh but that's ok because she's a female.

The mumsnet feminazis are out in force!

I would say good for her, but very soon he will be physically stronger so this needs to stop now

I think you need to take this as your sign to manage the way they are ‘playing’ with each other- it doesn’t sound very healthy and the incident today sounds like it’s been building up for a while - not excusing any of the behaviour, your son has clearly lost control of himself. It does sound like your daughter has been enjoying goading him for some time, and has also responded with excessive force. As a parent I think you need to monitor them both a bit more carefully and encourage kindness and support between the siblings. I feel sad for them that they should be good friends but they sound more like enemies.

No. But, factually, it’s usually always male on female violence.
I think this young man has learned a lesson today that will help him for life.
Women & girls are allowed to fight back.

Maybe DS will think twice before picking a fight from now on! Very valuable lesson learnt and yes the humiliation might sting more than his bruises but he started a fight and boy did he get what he asked for, literally!
As for DD, I would be secretly proud of her but she also deserves to be told off too.
Both I think should get consequences as you cant have fist fights and bloody noses under your roof! 🤦‍♀️

Not just this of course but its assumed that he just hit her out of notwhere. OP wasnt there, the precursor to this is being told to her by the kids. Was the sister winding him up and being horrible to him? Was it her that FAFO?

Self-defence would be punching him back, not beating the crap out of him.

Did he really need carrying, or was it a ‘my poor little prince, let me carry you’ situation?

So your son got frustrated that a female was better at him at something and his reaction was to hit her? That raises all sorts of red flags for his future .
He thought his sister was smaller and weaker than him and he tried to physically dominate her. He's probably learnt a useful lesson here ..