Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

What would you have done if your DD had beaten up your niece instead?

Rough play needs to be stopped. They obviously haven’t learned limits. How does DS play with his friends?

He started it.she finished it
FAFO.
He won't be doing it again

Yep, this

Soon, he will be physically stronger than your DD, and you won't want them fighting. Nip this in the bud, NOW.

Well yes as he’s the one who was beat up. Never cancel a bday treat, massively inappropriate.

In the adult world self defence is ok within reason.

It's very concerning. It's assault and abusive and needs taking seriously.

Don't cancel his birthday because their punishment needs to be equal - DS started a fight because his pride was hurt, and DD beat someone up to the point of serious injury. If anything, DD's crime was worse as DS might well have stopped before reaching an equivalent point on her.

They do both need a serious punishment, however - two weeks without clubs (including cross-country) or after-school phones? And ideally during the second week, writing an apology letter to each other, contents to demonstrate that they understand what they did wrong specifically?

This. You have a toxic family dynamic and a violent household that you are enabling, this is 'fair play', and you are proud of.

Fucking Hell.

get professional help, all of you, before your kids get taken from you or worse.

Team DD! Your son learned today! 😂

I had a straight up no hitting rule.

whoever started it gets punished more though.

i took mine to martial arts classes ax about this sort of age which was honestly quite helpful because the teacher was very clear that if you can run away you do run away and you only use the techniques if you have no other options.

i’d suggest going down that line.

How we handle this at home is that I tell them both that fighting is unacceptable and they will both be punished. What your daughter should have done is to go find an adult and tell them that she has been hit so the adult can handle it. And yes I would secretly be pleased that your son experienced the natural consequences of hitting someone and winding them up.

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to have a bit of harmless playfighting for kids? (Unless it leads to this situation)

I don’t know why she’s stronger, yes there’s an almost 3 year gap but people’s bodies are different. He’s slim and taller but she’s stockier I don’t know what more I can say?

In terms of the birthday DH doesn’t think I should cancel it so I’ll reconsider.

Comments on this honestly this world is fucked if this is the way mothers think !!

If this was your ds beating up your dd, whatever their ages, the whole of mn would be baying for blood. And you wouldn't be secretly proud, you'd be horrified.

So get a grip.

Both are as bad as each other and both should have consequences.

Totally agree. Teach your kids to never put their hands on someone and not handle their problems through violence. Proud of your daughter for beating (not hitting beating) her brother? How awful.

How to handle this? Punish them both for hitting and beating, not handling themselves correctly and being awful.

It's a bad thing because it leads to shit shows like today. Tell both your kids to keep their hands to themselves.

What a mess.

A girl hitting a boy IS a different matter to a boy hitting a girl. We all know it.

Fuck around and find out.
From now on ALL physical or competitive games are off the cards between DS and DD
He needs to be taught under no circumstances do you hit a girl and she needs to be taught not to wind people up

I think your DD is bang out of order. It sounds way too aggressive if he is covered in cuts and bruises. I’d be having strong words with both of them. They obviously don’t like each other and things will get worse if this aggression and rivalry continues. Nip in the bud now. I wouldn’t punish a birthday but I’d make them both miss something they like this week. Your DD needs to be able to stand up for herself but is in danger of becoming the bully. Your son needs to learn to manage his ego. Both need guidance here. Imagine if this happened in school.

I wouldn't punish her for defending herself. I disagree that self defence is supposed to be proportionate. It's supposed to be sufficient to stop it from happening. If a man is trying to hurt you in any way you beat the living shit out of him so he stops and never tries again.

A boy hitting a girl becuase he's jealous of her is really bad and needs stomping out now. Becuase in 3 years and the testosterone kicks in he will be dangerous if he thinks that's how he can treat girls and women in the future.

He started it. She defended herself.

In the future, she needs to stand up for herself against men, and he needs to not hit women becuase they make him feel inferior.

Never allowed playfighting because it’s only fun till it’s the same person loosing all the time then they get mad and lash out.

While lashing out one of two things happen. They get super strong and beat the normal winner into a pulp or as seen here get beaten into a pulp.

No play fighting.

No not all of us do. I would be livid with both children. But hey mine never hit each other so maybe I can’t judge. The rule ‘never put your hands on someone’ was pretty clear.

WHAT? DS is smaller and less strong, and his sister gave him cuts and bruises??? That is completely unacceptable! How spiteful of her.

I'm just imagining the responses if it was an older brother who gave his younger and smaller sister a bunch of cuts and bruises!

DD's behaviour was wrong and uncalled for, not to mention worryingly violent.