Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

If next time she is the one to start the fight but he fights back and leaves her covered in cuts and bruises how would you react then?

My children hit out at each other occasionally but never have they left a single cut or bruise.

She is entitled to defend herself but it sounds like she went way past that.

No I’m not proud she beat him up but I’m proud she can defend herself. And I’m hoping he realises that she’s not an easy target and they don’t fight again.

I’m going to take their phones away for tonight and tomorrow and I’ll decide what else to do when I decide.

You had to carry him inside and he is covered in cuts and bruises? So he couldn't even walk after she beat him up? Come on OP, how can you be proud of your daughter doing that? That should horrify a parent, just as it should horrify a parent whose son had done that.

What are her injuries out of interest?

I wouldn't cancel birthday celebrations that are a week away, unless the behaviour doesn't improve.
They both need strong warnings about future behaviour. DS shouldn't have started a physical fight and DD shouldn't have gone too far in fighting back, that isn't self-defence.
It might be worth enrolling them both in some kind of self defense/martial arts classes, as the first thing they will learn is self-control.

So does she got cuts and bruises too? I agree that if he hit her without leaving marks and she went berserk on him, she really needs a serious talk to.

You need to have very serious conversation with your son about managing his anger. He should never hit a girl/woman and if you don’t deal with this now he will learn it’s acceptable. In future he might be bigger and stronger than her and this will be a very different story. Your daughter did nothing wrong.

Except, what he learned was dont hit someone stronger than you. That is also a good lesson. However, while right now the daughter is stronger soon she won't be and he will be stronger than girls. So he can't learn that it's ok for strong people to beat weak people up. For that reason, I would make it clear that DD was being punished, not for defending herself but for continuing well past that point. I would also tell if DS off for starting the fight and reiterate that it's not OK to hit people if you think they are weaker than you. (In this case she wasn't, but clearly he thought she was which is a problem).

Your son was wrong to start with but I think it's pretty horrid that you are proud of your daughter for beating up your son.

She’s a younger girl. I think he is more in the wrong than her for hitting her in the first place.

In the adult world, self defence is ok.

I would, however tell them both that you do not want a repeat of either one of them ever hitting the other one on threat of punishment.

I think your son is punished enough by the cuts and bruises.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first
Knowing the tension between them, you should really have intervened at this point. Getting each other on the ground was never going to end well.

Neither of them should be hitting anybody, male or female 🙄

You need to stop focusing on punishment and reset your whole family culture.

Dial back on competition in the family, and read up on how to encourage cooperation between siblings.

Your are bringing up two children who are showing traits that could get them in serious trouble.

It's ok to compete in your chosen sport but not within the family.

I would be very upset that my son started this.
Yes your daughter finished it decisively, but he hit her and thinks this is ok.
I think they both need to be sat down and spoken too about how serious this is.
He should never be raising his hand to someone, first, anyone.
He can defend himself as she has.
I would be very very clear how disappointed I am in what he has done.
As for your daughter, why does she havd to blab about this?
I would tell her to keep this awful behaviour private, it's nothing to be proud of.
I think you need to read up on some parenting techniques because this is a really negative dynamic for them to be involved in and could have consequences for their long term relationship.
Perhaps some family therapy might help.
He needs to know that striking someone may not go his way, so hd needs to learn to control his temper.

Absolutely this…..x

They both need reprimanding and honestly I think I would get each of them to suggest how the other should be making ammends.

Him for starting hitting
Her for taking it too far.

I would also look at getting both of them anger management theraphy for children. Use this as a teaching method to teach both of them about self control and restraint

Check out their phone history. What are they watching which makes them think this is ok? She beat him so bad he needed carrying and was covered in cuts and bruises, that's assault. Your proud of that fight back without any proportion at all. This sends massive alarm bells.

You tell them both to pack it in and if either of them ever lays a finger on the other again, they will be grounded/screen time removed/stopped from doing favourite thing. I would absolutely lose my temper at them both to make it very clear how unacceptable it is. Then I would make them apologise to each other properly.
Neither of them come out of this well. Best they learn now that no one gets to hit, end of.
I wouldn’t cancel the birthday trip, unless it happens again before then. I may use it as a threat though, and follow through if they fight again.

I would also ban things like wrestling (it sounds like this is what the strength competitions were) since they can't seem to play it without it turning into a real fight. So completely ban it. (I don't have a problem with kids wrestling on theory, but it's on the proviso that they both know their limits which they clearly don't).
Even if she wasn't a girl, reacting to a "let's see who can get who on the ground first" by punching/hitting should be a straight up no because it's not fighting fair. And she shouldn't have flipped out on him either.

DS needs to find a way to deal with people being better than him - he is going to meet people better than him at all kinds of things, is he going to break someone's fingers if they are better at piano?!

DD needs to learn that just because you are stronger doesn't mean you can absolutely batter someone.

As a pp says they both need to be punished. If you don't punish DD then you are just telling DS he is fine to return the favour in a couple of years when he has the physical advantage.

Well it sounds like she gave him a proper pasting, which is obviously not good

Reprimand both, firmly but in separate conversations. Explain to each why their own actions were wrong.
Refuse to listen to "but he/she" - say "I will discuss that with your sibling, I am talking to you about your behaviour"

Your 9 year old has a phone??

The whole dynamic sounds toxic and as other posters have said, when your son hits puberty he could seriously hurt his sister unless they both stop winding each other up and hitting each other.

There is absolutely nothing to be “proud” of here.

This should have been nipped in the bud sooner. "Who can get who on the ground first" is not an appropriate game for 9 and 11 year old siblings/cousins as it was always bound to end up with someone being hurt.

Why is DS at 11 slower and weaker than his 9 year old sister? Does he not do any sports or activities? How have you handled it so far when you've noticed him being put out that she is faster and stronger?

He needs to understand he is never to hit his sister and she needs to understand that she went too far with self-defence.

The punishments/sanctions should be carried out this weekend and not dragging on to his birthday plans.

If he's covered in cuts and bruises are starting to show up, then DD responded disproportionately, right? Especially if she is stronger than him.
I would be wanting to qualify what the boundary of self defence is, and I would also be wanting to try and repair that sibling bond if possible with activities that don't become competitive (easier said than done, I'm sure!)
But properly beating up a sibling is worrying from my perspective and that's what I'd be focussing on first.

I’d ground both, wouldn’t be standing for any physical fights no matter who started or finished it. Can’t imagine feeling proud one of my DC physically hurt the other.