Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

She can’t defend herself and you need to be cross not proud. Ffs, she’s 9 and obviously not scared of her brother as he’s so familiar to her.

One day it’ll be a stranger and she’ll have no chance. You weren’t even there so you don’t know what him hitting her looked like or whether he even defended himself rather than just letting her hit and scratch him. Now you’re thinking of cancelling his birthday and smugly thinking your daughter is some kind of “badass” 🙄. Poor kid

Don't forget to tell the school how proud you are of your daughter when they question you as to why your son has cuts and bruises.

Don’t cancel his birthday. Celebrating milestones like that should never be used as punishment unless in very extreme circumstances.
Both made mistakes here. Your son should not be lashing out in a tantrum because he’s not winning. His punishment could be missing something he likes (hobbies??) to spend the time learning some techniques for anger management and how to react better next time. And writing an apology to his sister.
Your DD needs some lessons on self-control also. She didn’t let him walk all
over her but she let her reaction get out of hand. This would have badly if it had been anyone else.
And others re right. In a couple of years he could’ve strong enough to do her some real
damage. I would be heavily discouraging the roughhousing. He’s getting too old for it.
Find some non-contact ways of testing each others strength if that’s what they want.

Yes the amount of focus on him hitting her and apparently according to at least one poster 'your daughter did nothing wrong'!!!

Crazy, they both sound like louts

And now Ive read a bit more they both have phones. I think these kids are not really parented and supervised properly. Much more boundaries need to be in place about expectations and responsbility.

Well he might do, in a couple of years when he's way bigger and stronger than her. But thats ok right, if she started it?

You can’t hear a fight like this?? Who was watching them? Was this a first.

You‘ll be making a rod for your own back if you let this slide. I think you need to nip this in the bud. I‘m not saying you’re a bad parent but this is poor parenting if you feel your DD should take any pride in what she did. Reprehensible behaviour really and your DS needs to be spoken to as well not to wind her up but please look after him and make sure he understands his sister will get told she was way out of line in her response. Hope you manage to reign them both in OP.

“We do NOT hurt each other. If things are getting out of hand, come and get me.”

You have a really bad DS problem if he can't handle girls being better than him. Why is he so jealous he has to resort to violence? Why can't he accept that everyone can do different things?

This moment should be more about understanding what is making DS so volatile he can't handle normal, every day things. Does he feel ignored and undervalued by you and DH because you are praising DD or is he surrounded by other boys and their older brothers who think girls should be subservient. Think hard.

It sounds like your daughter went way to far if he was that badly hurt but I guess he won't mess with her again. I think I wound have have a word with her about proportional retaliation maybe as don't want her in court for manslaughter one day.

So you’d feel proud if your da beat her up to leave her cut up and bruised and had to be carried in?

you’d be proud of your DS?

Yes, this. They are both at fault. Sit them down and tell them it stops now.

I would try to limit the competitive behaviour as if it carries on into the near future it will end up with DS battering his sister when he is stronger than her, as he almost certainly will be.

Women and girls are at risk of serious harm from male violence and sexual assault, that’s the sad reality of the world we live in. No doubt that is why OP is proud of her daughter standing up for herself, given that context. The self righteous posters getting het up about that on this thread are so irritating. Are you all that oblivious to the world we live in?

I don't think you should cancel his birthday treats.

He got taught a lesson already. You need to back that up by being very firm about no fighting or being physical with each other. Even "playfighting" tends to end up with someone getting hurt.

Your dd went too far and needs to be disciplined accordingly.

I think you need to help your son figure out how not to be a sore loser and to be proud about the other things he can do than the physical.

If you turned this around and said DD was upset as DS is stronger than she is so she hit him and provoked him and then he beat her up and caused cuts and bruises and you had to split them up and carry her indoors. Would people still say that’s ok he stood up for himself. Both kids are aggressive, focus on that. I wouldn’t be proud of my DD if she did this. Just because they are related doesn’t mean they can act like animals. If she did this to someone at school there would be serious consequences.

Well done to your daughter.

So many women take DV from men and we hear ‘oh, why did they put up with it!’ Yet here, we have OP’s daughter being physically assaulted and overpowering an older, bigger & likely stronger boy & there’s cries of how she’s in the wrong.

Nope.

OP, your son learnt a real world lesson today. He fucked about and he found out.

No more rough housing games.

(and I would talk to your daughter about general proportionality - but I certainly wouldn’t punish her)

Way too harsh. Self defence should not result in an 11year old boy needed to be carried into the house. You seem proud of the girl for hurting him badly which is frankly twisted. Both need punishing equally but not by cancelling a birthday trip a week after the event.

This might work for 6 year olds.

@ForAmpleRobinwhat is your children’s relationship generally like aside from this?

And no, don’t cancel your sons birthday - that’s a horrible thing to do.

@Fends I saw the end of it. I saw him trying to fight back but she was beating him and I shouted at her and sent her upstairs.

@DawnAnn Hes in Year 7, they don’t go to the same school so that won’t be an issue.

I get that siblings fight but it's really worrying that he was left covered in cuts and bruises. Is violence something that you've grown up around yourself because it's very concerning that you see this as normal. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if your DNs parents have any sense they won't send him or her back unsupervised.

tbf it may be about his little sister being better than him, rather than girls full stop. Siblings are competitive and it can come as a big shock to the eldest when the youngest can suddenly do things better. I remember my eldest being a really magnanimous winner when he beat his little brother at whatever game they were playing but when little brother grew up and started winning in his own right - well it turned out he was a rotten loser (for a while).

I am very aware of the world we live in so I know if this little girl tried the same thing on someone else, she could end up seriously hurt.

Sometimes it's best to walk away and find an adult before things get out of hand.

You’re proud of her? Fuck me. Both your kids have grown up to believe violence is an ok solution to disagreements. This is not an ok situation.

How disgusting! Why are you proud of this?
Beaten with cuts and bruises? That is WAY too far for self defence from and he shouldn't be hitting his sister.
They should both be disciplined and you need to make sure they never ever lay hands on each other again

Potential referral to social services going on the way @ForAmpleRobin describes the injuries. Safeguarding referral is possible.