Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

I would say you have absolutely failed to handle this

You should have intervened before your ds started things physically with your dd.

You should have intervened before your dd beat up your ds.

You have utterly failed to parent your kids and seem proud that your younger dd was able to inflict physical damage to an older boy. Congratulations. Can't see that coming back to bite you on your arse in the future 🙄

A child was beaten so badly that he's covered in scratches and bruises. Sex doesn't come into it.

OP needs to sort this out now.

Way too harsh.

An apology and a games in the garden ban. Amy more provocation or making fun of him and escalate punishment

This poster nails it.

As proud as you may feel of your DD your son received a disproportionate amount of injuries and will not forget this humiliation- he’ll get your DD back in time and one day he will be stronger than her.

You need to nip this in the bud - it’s awful you didn’t intervene sooner. Why did you let it carry on? Your DN needs to be told not to squawk, least said soonest mended. Your DD should be told she was out of line for going too far. Is this how you want your kids to behave 😒

@SnowWaySnowHow Absolutely spot on!! Imagine being proud to have raised any child - irrespective of gender - who scratches and hits any other child. You’re raising two real gems there OP 👍 Your poor son for coming off with injuries like that.

It's still assault.

Both need consequences. Its not acceptable to lash out nor is it acceptable to beat someone until they need carrying inside. Lessons learned by all parties here I think.

God its a sibling spat where they got thumped each, him worse than her. He shouldnt have started it and he's come off worse

They're both in the wrong, both need a telling off and some consequences and some acknowledgment to each other of why it was wrong and what they're going to do in future

But really, most siblings fight, particularly brothers, although obviously you have one of each.

All sounds nuts.

She didn't just defend herself, she "properly beat him up," giving him cuts and bruises, and he needed to be carried indoors. I'm actually shocked at the level of violence she came back with. I'd ground her for a month!

I think you need to play it really carefully with DS. There is a lot of this ‘manosphere’ bullshit going around online, and if he’s already feeling that way towards his little sister then it might be the type of thing he latches on to later down the line.

I think they both need to be punished in a practical way and 1-1 conversations. Leave it at that for DD- perhaps a conversation about self-defence being proportional, but also a conversation about how it is absolutely not acceptable for a boy/DS to treat her that way and that you can also understand why she might have reacted so strongly in the moment.

However, I think your DS may need more than punishment in the long-term. I think some 1-1 time, TLC with you (and perhaps separately with his dad if that’s possible) and attempts to connect with him and understand how he is feeling right now- big mature talks that are sensitive and understanding to his feelings. I would keep these conversations going and keep and eye on him for a while to steer him in the right direction. Also, does he have a hobby or skill, something that he’s good at and that he can feel proud of himself for? I think he needs something like that to boost his self-esteem.

I mean….if he’s covered in cuts and bruises that’s pretty insane…..
Then you had to carry him in….

theres a line really…..

Well given the ages legally speaking the boy is the only one who would be held responsible.

He assaulted his little sister and she whooped his ass.

Not saying agree with the fight full stop mind. As I’ve said before I don’t do play fighting full stop.

I find Mumsnet so anti boy, it's insane. I can't believe the OP is proud of her DD for beating the crap out of her son and wants to cancel his birthday.

It's just shit parenting, if your kids are this violent, you clearly must not allow them to put hands on each other at all and supervise them to intervene early.

He shouldn't have hit her obviously but she should be punished far more severely as she has clearly used far far too much force to retaliate

@KimuraTan I didn’t intervene because I wasn’t there. My niece came into the living room and told me.

This really…

What happened when you had to carry your son inside?

No one should ever hit another person, ever.

Ever??
What a strange thing to say.

Of course people are entitled hit someone else when they are being attacked. Do you think they should just stand there and take it?

If your child has been beaten up so badly that you had to carry him in OP, then he should be taken to the hospital. Why couldn't he walk?

As for a 9 year old having a phone 🤷‍♀️

Maybe your children need closer supervision until they both learn not to hit?

I had an older brother and a younger sister and we grew up in the 80’s where parenting was lax at best. We argued and bickered but we never punched, cut or bruised each other like this. Some people might say beating each other up it’s normal but it’s certainly not healthy. Sibling relationships can be quite toxic and this stuff needs sorting.

Plus the fact that the mum was in fact ‘proud’ of the behaviour.

How injured is your son. Bruised and sore with a shattered ego or genuinely so injured he can’t walk…

Im going to assume the first since no mentioning of hospitals or doctors.

What's XC? Google answers make no sense in the context.

Both get punished and put them into a martial arts that you investigate to ensure it teaches appropriate responses in defence and to never start a fight. My instructors were very strict and taught us a lot of discipline and might give your DS confidence but teach him control and your DD will also benefit.

Why is DS at 11 slower and weaker than his 9 year old sister? Does he not do any sports or activities?

What sort of stupid question is that?