Finances- why 50/50?

[Boxingshibes]

I know im lucky but I read so many threads about having to split everything 50/50 even when on maternity leave. I genuinely don't understand.
Why us it not 'our' or family money as you are a family?
When is got married 20 odd years ago i had a just above minimum wage as id lived abroad for years. Dh had a good job ( not mn good but around £40k)
I worked and also it was enough to support us, me and 2 children. I went back to work and we got a nanny as it was cheaper than nursery.
Now im the sole earner as dh is now medically retired. I'm on £70k but all our money is ours? I do pay for everything but it's not a problem as we are a family?

I read so many threads where people are using their savings/ going into debts just to pay 50/50. Why?

Barring abusive relationships, why?

That's different. We're talking about when finances change.

Sadly not. However in some ways I'm glad. We were engaged but I called it off. I am slowly (very slowly) sorting myself financially for a better future. I spend a lot of time learning about personal finance and I have a good plan. He will never be financially smart so at some point I will be able to break free.

It sounds as if you need advice to prepare for the split. If you go over to the money board, people give excellent advice on there.

Because we all make financial arrangements that suit us and our circumstances.
You don’t need to understand it, you just need to do what works for you in your circumstances.

I agree with you!! I out earn DH x3 its our money, not mine but the families and if he wants to go to golf he goes, and if I can a new top - I get one!!

I fume every-time I see a post on here where someone has to ask their partner for money for kids clubs or kids clothes/ shoes!! The kids belong to both of them!!!! or partners that earn big money still expecting their other half (who earns nothing) to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills.

Also women using their savings to pay towards costs during mat leave - I mean wtf!!!

This needs to be spoken about and agreed before moving in together- there is no way I would live with someone who treated me like that.

I find the insistence that everything is exactly 50:50 to be odd, inefficient and often completely unworkable. Some things simply can't be split 50:50, not in a sensible way anyway.

How could you ever calculate the exact number of hours you spent doing childcare or domestic work? What if some tasks are time consuming but easy and others are short but very difficult or unpleasant?

Unless you are earning the same then holidays, house purchases or any big purchases really become an issue unless you're earning roughly the same? A lower earner can find that all their money is drained simply paying half of everything whilst a higher earner may feel that their lifestyle is constrained by the fact that they can only ever pay for something that the lower earner can afford half of too. Imagine only going on budget holidays because you have a low earning partner whilst you yourself are earning mega bucks.

Your anger is misplaced. We are all judging your ex.

Also, was this new behaviour? Unexpected? Unclear?

Yes, you have my sympathy and well done for moving on.

No, what did you expect would happen?

I agree. We did the 50/50 thing when first married as we had similar earning jobs but we changed to a joint account when I went on maternity leave. I worked PT after that, so earned less but did more of the household / childcare stuff.

I understand the motivation for splitting bills 50/50 60/40 or whatever works and then the remainder is personal money to save or spend. I do see this work well for people but the issue is when the wheels fall off.
I remember an old MN post of a DH having a secret gambling habit and in extreme debt. The OP who had diligently saved all her personal money had to bail him out. She had no idea for years as they didn’t share what they did with their share of personal money.
This is extreme but it still likely that a couple could end up with differing amounts of savings affecting their retirement, or if they divorce all savings are considered joint assets. So the partner who saved is worse off.
When you’re married or own property together, financial transparency, however you do it, is really important.

I don’t know why you think that your family circumstances should apply to everyone.

Some people aren’t married when they get pregnant. Some women earn more than their partners (I know several women who earn 2 or 3 times their partners salary). Some men don’t earn enough to cover all the household expenses. There are countless different factors. People are married allowed to do what works for them.

I find it quite tricky. DH and I have very different spending habits, I prefer to work less and happily not buy luxury brands or expensive cars, whereas he lives for luxury items and doesn’t mind working long hours if it means that he can buy expensive brands for himself. Before we had DS, keeping finances separate worked very well for us because it gave us both the freedom to do/have what we enjoy. Since we have DS, we are a bit unsure what the best way is.

We pool household finances, we both saved for mat leave together, so that I could take as long as possible and we could still pay the bills.

We have an average household income of around £58k and I am the higher earner but not by that much.

I also think it’s strange in a relationship with no step children etc. Although, I have noticed the advice on here is not the same when a man is earning less. Over the years, my husband and I have see the other earn more at certain periods. When we first got together I earned more than him. As soon as we bought a house we shared everything. It works well for us as we both contribute equally to housework and childcare, so there is no resentment or jealousy. We are also very encouraging of when the other gets a promotion as it benefits the whole family!

Time is more valuable than money. Plus once i was free it was as though the stars aligned and ive never been better off

maternity leave absolutely. Also If one parent reduces their hours to reduce childcare costs then again that should be supplemented. I also agree that if two people earn significantly different amounts it seems bizarre that the higher earner would be comfortable with the lower earner being skint while they live the high life.
But it also depends on at what age stage you meet and individual situation

My first husband was like this. Luckily we split before any children came along, but he earned a lot more than me, but still insisted on 50/50, which left me with hardly any disposal income. Then he'd want to go out for a meal at the weekend, I had no money, he was too tight so we simply wouldn't go. I often used to end up borrowing petrol money off my Dad (who had plenty to say about it once we'd split up). On the odd occasion he would lend me money, he kept a very strict list of my repayments. He was very clear that I would still need to meet my 50/50 obligations whilst on maternity leave (had it happened) but I doubt i would have had the money. God knows how any child care would have been financed.

After our split he re-married quite quickly, but that didn't last, and his second wife allegedly took him to the cleaners (they had a child together so that must have been 'interesting')

since when?
the OP decides what "we" are talking about on this particular thread, and didn't specify 'only when finances change?' You don't get to decide to ignore a fair point just because it doesn't match with what you have decided the conversation should be about.

Nor do you get to make rather absurd projections based on no evidence.

What a miserable marriage. Imagine treating your spouse like this. I'm glad you're out of it.
Imagine having to borrow from your Dad.

Sadly this is so true.

I know our Grandmothers didn't have perfect lives, but back in those days men were generally the breadwinners and the women were SAHPs, running the home. So how did it end up that women still have children, still (usually) run the home, and work full time while they're at it? And men are are no longer prepared to share their whole pay packet?

Before I get shot at - of course most women want to work, but its the basic premise of sharing that's got so warped along the way.

We pool our money and always had . I earn more than my DH and do not feel resentful. We are a team but both are relatively sensible . If he or me want a ‘big’ spend is ok as long as it is in the budget and saved for .

@FarmerMaggot One is only pregnant for 9 months and then mat leave, no? And even this leave can be shared (it's called shared parental leave).
Also, you do know you can be pregnant and work?
Or does the woman then become a SAHM permanently?

Sounds eminently sensible.

The problem is women still running the home. It’s 2026, that’s not our sole responsibility.

When both parties contribute in both financial input and domestic labour, that whole argument is removed.

Don’t something like 60% of marriages fail? Imagine the percentage of cohabiting relationships…

In this day and age women have choices, earnings, inheritances, careers… An increasing number of them are higher earners. Why shouldn’t they capitalise on their individual investments?