Finances- why 50/50?

[Boxingshibes]

I know im lucky but I read so many threads about having to split everything 50/50 even when on maternity leave. I genuinely don't understand.
Why us it not 'our' or family money as you are a family?
When is got married 20 odd years ago i had a just above minimum wage as id lived abroad for years. Dh had a good job ( not mn good but around £40k)
I worked and also it was enough to support us, me and 2 children. I went back to work and we got a nanny as it was cheaper than nursery.
Now im the sole earner as dh is now medically retired. I'm on £70k but all our money is ours? I do pay for everything but it's not a problem as we are a family?

I read so many threads where people are using their savings/ going into debts just to pay 50/50. Why?

Barring abusive relationships, why?

@inmyfashion Because I refute the fact that bottle feeding is "easier" than breastfeeding.
Each to their own, but for me the reduced cancer risks for me and giving my baby the healthiest option were at the top of my priority list.
But I accept we all have individual choice.
Doesn't mean I agree with that choice but it still remains individual choice.

No. I never wanted to do it.

@SouthLondonMum22 you clearly don’t accept individual choice or you wouldn’t be arguing with strangers on the internet about it. Who cares what someone else did with their breasts?

For the record I am not going to breastfeed either. The benefits do not outweigh the downsides for us, I want my husband and I to share the load as soon as the baby arrives. I’m also a very healthy former bottle fed baby so don’t worry about their health. Bottle feeding is certainly easier in some ways - I’ve seen multiple friends unable to attend important medical appointments or just take a much needed break because their baby won’t take a bottle. I’m not interested in making my life harder in that way.

This thread is bonkers. So many studies show that women do a disproportionate amount of housework, even when they are working full time. Just because you don't doesn't mean this isn't a feminist issue.

And biology means that if a couple decide to have children together, it is the woman who carries much of the physical burden of this initially -- pregnancy (including fatigue, morning sickness), childbirth and associated injury, breastfeeding etc. And therefore it is likely to be the woman whose ability to work is impacted (again statistically so many more women take maternity leave and the take up of shared parental leave is low). Although everyone on this thread is middle class enough to have an employer who pays full salary for maternity leave, this again is actually REALLY unusual. Even professional jobs rarely have this perk.

So 50/50 arrangements, particularly during maternity leave or the years a child is pre school are just abusive in so many cases. And don't be so quick to dismiss this because of your own privilege. It is incredibly uncaring to other women in harder circumstances.

And all this said, I went back to work full time after 9 months full pay and earn slightly more than my DH. I have NO IDEA how 50/50 ever works unless you earn exactly the same. Id feel so weird being able to buy myself lunch out or a new expensive jumper or a weekend away but my DH was sitting at home with no disposal income worrying about how he was going to afford petrol for his commute. That doesn't seem like marriage to me.

@inmyfashion I think you meant to tag me? I don't care how you feed your baby, but surely you must still recognise and accept that breastfeeding is the healthiest option for both you and baby? That's fact. You can still choose to bottlefeed for your own convenience, but you can't argue with facts.

But for me it’s not the easiest. And for many other women. Your argument is that it’s easier to breastfeed, which is not cut and dry by any means.

The health benefits are not significant enough to change that for me.

@KatMansfield6 It's really quite simple - if you are working and don't want to do a disproportionate amount of housework (as well you shouldn't), don't put up with a husband that doesn't do it!!

@inmyfashion The health benefits are huge - also fact. But whatever you find easiest - it's your choice ateotd.

@KatMansfield6

The simplest way for women to stop doing a disproportionate amount of housework, isn’t by coming on the internet and stating it like it’s an unavoidable fact like PP have, it’s by not doing it.

Stop doing a disproportionate amount of housework, expect better from the men we choose to have families with, and don’t settle for it just being the status quo.

Women wouldn’t do the lion’s share of housework if they stopped facilitating that happening.

Weren't you just arguing that bottle feeding isn't convenient?

Sorry I tagged the wrong person!!

@SouthLondonMum22 I don't think it is more convenient, especially as bedsharers. But even if it wasn't, I'd still personally choose breastfeeding due to the many significant health benefits to both mum and baby.

I don't. But the idea that all abuse is simply a woman's fault is a disturbing attitude. Women get trapped in abusive relationships and unlike you I don't think they carry the entire responsibility for this. The stats which show that women do a disproportionate amount of housework are not just showing stupid women. They are showing trapped women, patriarchal attitudes, biologically based oppression.

It can work because there's a whole lot of between earning exactly the same and an enormous different to the point one has no disposable income at all.

I earn more than DH so have more disposable income but he also has disposable income.

Absolutely. All into and out of one pot if you're married.

But isn't it really weird when you can go away but he can't or you have more expensive clothes? Seems weird and abusive to me.

@KatMansfield6 There is always the option to leave, no matter how hard it seems. I left a controlling marriage and no regrets. Like I was going to be someone's maid for the rest of my life!
Far too many women put up with far too much!

I know you would, you've made that very clear.

Breastfeeding is healthier but I'm completely comfortable with bottle feeding in a country with good personal hygiene, clean water and good medical care. I'm not convinced with those factors involved as well as some others that the advantages are as huge as some studies claim and other studies do back that up.

But we probably shouldn't turn this into a breastfeeding thread more than we already have since I don't know about you, but mine are past that age so it is largely irrelevant now.

I’m saying the average woman is taking a serious hit, so why are we pretending we live in some kind of 50:50 fantasy world? Other than the obvious reason - it benefits the guy.

If the private sector won’t even give us equal pay and the average guy thinks 50:50 is fine, there are various legal and political routes. Maternity leave was initially introduced through the labour unions collaborating with women’s groups.

I’m playing devil’s advocate - but I’ve also seen some really harsh situations since having my first baby, motherhood is brutal for a lot of women.

@OhMargaret What's your suggestion then?

If he wants more disposable income, he can earn it like I do which he is very capable of. How is that abusive?

This is a very individualistic view of things. Another way to frame it could be along the lines that the continuing success of society depends upon children being born and raised. Growing babies and birthing them is hard work and risky. Raising the child is a huge amount of work. It is reasonable to question whether the costs and risks could be more equally shared at all, to reflect the vital importance of the work and its outcome. The existence of maternity pay and free maternity health care is already doing that, it’s okay to ask if that’s enough.

Many many families pay someone else to care for their baby or toddler 8-10 hours a day, as a society we pay for education including childcare for 5+ yo, why is it so mad to imagine one parent being ‘financially compensated’ by the other for similar work, if that’s what they both agree to?

On the scale of an individual family I would tend to frame it as shared decision between the couple, rather than just my decisions. This is not the same as saying my decisions are forced or that his are, but they might still end up different than if I was alone. It’s a different situation, after all. You also seem to frame exactly equal sharing of every specific element of life as inherently superior to other arrangements. That’s quite restrictive.

I’m finding your position very interesting, thanks for sharing.

I also always love these threads because of the posters who claim that:

1. They work full time in a professional and demanding role but one which is flexible enough that there is absolutely no cost to their children who are raised with no perceptible differences to those with a sahm.
2. They earn more than their husband, but not more by enough to make it odd that costs are equally shared or to imply that he is less successful or lazy.
3. Their DH does half or more of the childcare, housework and other tasks, and is otherwise perfect and women who live with less than this are simply weak and letting the side down.
4. They earn so much that there are never any tensions related to disposable income or childcare costs.
5. Childcare is cheap and universally available. It is fine to pay other people to look after your children but lazy completely unreasonable to look after them yourself or to expect some level of thanks or compensation for doing so.

They then use this (internally incoherent and unlikely) position to bash other women.

I consider myself fairly blessed, with a relatively flexible full time job and supportive DH and yet am nowhere near the perfection that these posters claim. I, for example, understand that the long days in nursery for my daughter when she was only 9 months was not what I would have chosen and was unlikely to have done her much good (again looking at the available evidence).

Completely agree with OP. Separate and 50/50 finances in a marriage is a sign of things gone very wrong. I always think that in a partnership you should look after each other. I can't stand reading threads where someone says I can't afford to go on holiday but my partner can and people who claim to be happy with that. I would have dumped any potential long term relationship who wanted to do 50-50. It shows they haven't got your back and are unwilling to share, a basic human element of kindness.
If you can't trust your partner to be sensible with money, yes keep seperate and advise not marrying them.