to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

Unfortunately I think this is the risk you take when you lend stuff particularly with small babies around although I totally understand why you’re upset.

It sounds like you have very different standards when it comes to cleaning / maintaining things and she’s happy for some ‘wear and tear’ but that’s not what you were expecting.

How much is actually missing as opposed to just stained or worn?

Text her.

Hi X you've completely destroyed the play gym and I can't use it. You can keep this one and get me a replacement as you knew I wanted it for my second.

I think since she asked to borrow it, she should return it in reasonable condition. If it's ruined, she should pay for it.

Perfect!

You should not even have to ask her . She should have replaced it without the need to ask .

Two things - how close a friend is she? And how long has she had the mat; has it likely been in storage/the loft?

The fact she has given it back in a state means she either thinks it doesn’t matter and has different standards, or she is a CF.

If it were me I would be mortified and would have just said it wasn’t in a great state I’ll get you a new one.

Having said that, my baby gym was super cheap, like £20, I’m assuming yours wasn’t? As if it was cheap probably not worth ruining the friendship over and may just never lend her anything again…

It depends if you want to stay friends

I'd ask for the other parts of it.

Thanks for returning it, but xyz is missing, can you have a look for them.

I'd put it in the wash and see how it comes out.

I personally would never lend something I planned to use again for this very reason. None of my baby items were fit to pass on/sell in anything resembling 'good condition' after 2 children because I had messy children and I'm not the kind of person who can keep sensory cards or a guide booklet neat and tidy with a baby.

I don't think you can ask for a replacement. Baby stuff is always going to look a bit shabby going onto its 3rd child, if you weren't prepared for that then you should have said no originally.

Mention of the booklet, cards etc. suggests it might be the Lovevery one which is £140! Personally I’d buy the replacement parts on Vinted/ EBay, still use it, not mention it but think less of her and resolve to never lend her anything ever again.

ETA: If it is Lovevery I think you can download a copy of the guide from the Subreddit to save re-buying it

No real friend returns something in that condition.
Shabby behaviour.
I would so judge someone doing that.
Unfortunately nowadays it really is best not to lend.

I passed everything on after 3 children and everything was spotless and perfect.
Because I am respectful of my things.
No excuse for something to be dirty and stained.

You’re not guaranteed a new one but you’re guaranteed a ruined friendship.
Is it worth it?

I think it’s really difficult when loaning baby items. They do get marks, sick etc and wear & tear on them. Bits can get detached and you forget where they came from.
Personally I wouldn’t ask for a replacement but I would not loan her anything else going forward - chalk it up to experience. Put everything away / sell it on after this baby and just say oh sorry I passed it on already to my friend at work.

If I lent a friend a dress to be worn at a particular one-off event, I'd expect it to be returned in the exact same condition a few days later. Ditto if I'd lent a friend a tennis racquet/kitchen equipment/tool for a one-time use. But you lent a baby's play gym for several weeks or months - it's not unreasonable to expect some damage given the length of time and its inevitable usage. If it was precious to you, you shouldn't have lent it. It's upsetting, I agree, but I think you need to draw a line and make a note to never lend items again if you can't cope with someone not being as careful with them as you are.

Honestly I think there is no point asking for a new one. She won’t get the right one, it’ll be a cheap one and you won’t like it. I would leave it, buy my own replacement and never lend her anything else again..

Never lend anything.

Block the bitch.

I was in this exact situation twice; once as the lender and once as the borrower of a soft travel high chair. I accidentally binned it but bought the friend that had lent it to me a new one. She said I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t live with the guilt. My other friend borrowed a top of the range breast pump and eventually returned it broken and unusable. I decided not to say anything as I was finished having kids but 13 years on any time I see her it does pop into my head.

See this is why I refuse to borrow anything from anyone. I’d sooner buy my own. That way if it gets damaged I don’t have to worry. I don’t think YABU to ask for a replacement but I do think it may end the friendship if you do. So before you ask be very clear how much this friendship means to you and whether it’s worth the risk.

You really shouldn’t expect baby equipment to come back looking brand new either. As others of said if you lend things for a one off event chances are it will be returned in the same condition but after several months that’s very unlikely.

Maybe a lesson learned that you’re probably not the type of person that’s ok with lending things.

Sorry but what did you expect? Never lend anything for a baby to use for months on end if you actually want it back in perfect condition.

Why didn’t she just buy her own?

If you ask for it to be replaced you possibly lose the friendship, would you care?

I wonder if the main reason you are so upset is because you have such nice memories of your first playing on it and wanted to recreate/repeat that with baby number 2? I definitely had that with various toys and baby equipment. I agree with PP that it’s a real shame that it was returned in such poor condition but equally I also think this is very liable to happen when you lend stuff. If you can afford it, I’d just either bin it or give it back to her and buy a new one.

I would let it go. You could probably get another almost new one second hand for a few pounds, your baby won't care!

If everything you had after three babies was spotless and perfect after several years use and three children then something is going badly wrong somewhere.

My MIL would say the same about her stuff from her four children and she's right - it's still in immaculate condition for the grand children. Her 4 children however all have anxiety and/or depression, a tonne of allergies and idiosyncrasies between them and don't have fond memories of their childhood which was regulated by the need for MIL to keep up appearencies by having the cleanest and best turned out children in the school. Which was a competition no one else except her was taking part in.

There's more important things in life than keeping stuff in perfect condition but if (like me) other people's wear and tear upsets you then you don't lend stuff out. It would never occur to me to let a friend have something I planned to use again.

Is it the Lovevery one? I’d not be happy either, it’s pricey! If you don’t mind potentially losing the friendship, I’d be tempted to call her out on the state of it and explain how much it was and say it’s unusable