to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

That would be ex friend for me. I lent a friend a Wilkinet baby carrier. Somewhere along the way she had decided that she'd bought it from me and gleefully informed me she'd sold it on, when I tried to get it back. Cheeky bitch.

I'm afraid that although it was very kind of you to say yes and lend it, that was the moment at which what's happening now could happen. So I feel that you have two choices:

1. Say something and risk offending the friend/maybe losing her (she also might refuse to pay, so then it's a High Chapperal situation - a stand-off)
2. Say nothing, chuck the ruined item in the bin, and get a nice new one.

I defo wouldn't be using it with my new baby.
Only you can know if your friend is the sort to say sorry and pay up. I think if she's given it back in such a state, she doesn't have much of a conscience unfortunately :(

I change my mind. I agree with this actually.

It’s not passive aggressive and also not something that could cause an argument. It also forces her to either find them or tell you if something has happened to them,

I never lent anything from my DC as I've been burned before.

I'd message and ask where the missing parts are & please return them. Tell her if she can't find them she'll have to replace as you can't afford another at £140. Her response will tell you everything you need to know.

I think this is a risk you take.

Buy a new one.

I don’t think you’re going to be friends for much longer if you ask her to replace it. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to, but just depends if you think it’s worth it.

I can't understand lending things to people when you know you'll need them again tbh. It's always a risk that it would get damaged. I would have said no and that I was keeping it for my 2nd dc. I'm happy to pass things on now we're done but no one got to use my baby stuff while I was still having babies, their needs took priority and I wanted to keep things nice for them.

I think I’ll send this tomorrow. I really don’t want to lose the friendship because she’s a really good friend. I wouldn’t have lent it in the first place otherwise.

Hey Friend, thanks for bringing the play gym over. I’ve just opened it to get ready for Baby2 and I think the red bell, the crinkly teething ring, the mirror and sensory cards have been left behind. If HerDH can hand them over to DH on Friday that would be amazing because I don’t know how we would have survived Baby1’s baby days without that red bell 😂 And can I have the play guide back too - I’m so used to running around after Baby1 I’ve forgotten what to do with a newborn!!

That’s a really good response OP

I think this sounds good OP :) How long has she actually had it?

Not to flog a dead horse but agree with this. Especially with a £140 item 😅

your message sounds good OP.

If borrower wasn’t prepared to return an item in same condition then she should refrain from asking to borrow.

Personally I wouldn’t say you think they are missing if you know they are as she could just say she didn’t have them. I’d be more up front and say they ARE missing and I think that message is very generous considering the stains too

I’d add in ‘any idea what the stain is? Trying to figure out how to remove it while I still have the energy’

There are PDFs of the play guide available online for downloading.

Can’t lie, if I valued the friendship I’d probably let this go as a one off but not lend anything going forward.

I’m surprised anyone thinks that level of wear and tear is acceptable as a return. OP’s friend should have just apologised that it’s not in the same condition anymore and offer a new one.

Yes of course send her this if you don't want her friendship!

OP chalk it up to experience,that's what can happen if you lend something.

That's a really good text,ball in her court but non accusatory.

I hated being leant things for this reason - had a friend who made a big deal about loaning baby clothes , and just knew there was no way all of them would make it back in the same condition. She would have been offended if I said no, so I just kept them in a bag until I could reasonably return them.

in your situation I would prioritise friendship over the play gym.

I stopped lending at secondary school after I lent a video tape (movie) to a usually sensible friend, and she returned it with a ripped sleeve, the free poster missing, you name it. My dad was furious with me.

If your friend was definitely aware you wanted the mat back, she'll need to replace it. Sounds to me that she assumed it was a gift.

Mention the stain too.

Excellent message OP. She should either return the missing pieces and offer to clean the mat or buy a replacement.

I wouldn't care about losing the friendship because I don't consider people who borrow my things then return them broken, and hope to get away with it, friends.

I am not always very careful with things, which is why I would never have asked to borrow something like this, I couldn't handle the stress of keeping it good!

I would sooner die than hand it back in that condition with pieces missing, I would be mortified and your friend should be as well.

I'd try the manufacturer see if they do spares.
Btw I can't believe the price of it. Wild!,

I understand why you're upset OP, she is out of order!
BUT, if you call her out it's highly likely to sour the friendship.
If you dont want to risk that then I think the best option is to not mention it. This is a lesson learned, now you know what's she's like you must never again give her the opportunity to ruin your possessions.