to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

It was the Lovevery one. It was a huge splurge for us and grandparents contributed too and we can’t afford it easily. I’ll look up the play guide on Reddit. I’ve looked for parts on Vinted but people tend to sell
it while and I’m not a subscriber so don’t have access to the shop.

This!!

No I can’t. The top two on Vinted at the moment at £90 and £100. If it were a few pounds I wouldn’t mind as much q

She's not a friend and she's a cheeky f for returning it like that. Message a pic saying: What happened? It was like new when I lent it to you. I'll need you to replace it or pay me X in lieu.

So, why did you give her it? If it’s something you can’t easily afford to replace and something you actually did cherish and really wanted to use again… why give it to another baby? Babies do destroy stuff, and it was going to be used for months. That’s a huge amount of trust to place in the friend if you genuinely expected to get it back in perfect condition.

Did she know how £££ it is

I wouldn't say anything but be sure to invite her around when dc2 is on the shiny new mat so she can see that you had to buy a new one. If she’s got half a brain she will know why.

Never lend her anything again and being brutally honest, I wouldn’t be able to get over what a CF she is so I’d probably slowly fade her out.

Perhaps, but it's not OP's fault.

There’s a difference between wear and tear and not returning things though. I was trying to be a bit anonymous but people have guessed it was the Lovevery one so:
missing play guide
missing the red sound square
missing mirror card, two black and white cards
missing teething ring with crinkly fabric

And damage is stained fabric ( really dark and don’t know what it even could be) and some cards really creased.

It didn’t have to be immaculate but given how much use it got with my first and how often he was sick on it, chewed it and really used and abused it, I didn’t expect this. And my friend is much more tidy and organised than me so I felt somewhat safe. She also knew the value of it when she borrowed it and that’s why she asked - so it’s not like she thinks I can get a cheap replacement.

I agree that I don’t borrow things, especially for the kids, just in case they get damaged!

I don’t think I would lend anything I really cared about either.

I have given things to people and said to them to pass them on again when finished with it, if it’s still in good condition. But that’s because I don’t like things going to landfill and want them to be used.

In this case I think I’d find it difficult not to mention it to her. You did specifically say you wanted it back for your second, so I think she should have realised she needed to take care of it. I really wouldn’t have lent it out if I’d wanted it back though.

Well, she knew how much it was and still returned it broken so you need to put your big girl pants on and message asking her to buy a new one of the same type.

Very disappointing 🥹

if you do ask her to replace it, send a link. If the wrong one turns up, return it & resend the link. I'm assuming you'll lose the friendship, but that's a decision you need to make before approaching her.

if you don't, then I'd save up to buy a new one & put any cash/vouchers you're given towards it. (And anything you don't need to buy due to other gifts, put the money you would have spent towards it)

I'm very careful with my belongings (most if my friends really are not), so I only lend things if I'm prepared for them to come back in a much worse state (basically I have to be prepared to replace them, so generally only give things rather than lend them).

id have probably said 'oh sorry I've packed it away to keep it for baby two, it was largely a gift from the grandparents & I want to keep it as new looking as possible. I can send you a link if you want to buy one the same'...

I agree with this. I think you had unrealistic expectations when you lent the play mat. Unless you had stipulated to your friend that you wanted it back in immaculate condition and she agreed to this then YABU.

Because I thought she’d care for it too. Clearly I was wrong. I said in my OP I wished I hadn’t lent it so unless you can give me a time turner, saying I shouldn’t have is useless. And I know babies can be hard on things. I’ve had one who played on that mat every day for months and didn’t do anywhere near the damage. And it doesn’t account for the missing pieces. If it were a card or two then fine.

I think you should mention that items are missing. It’s one thing sending things back with a stain or two. Things happen with babies and stains don’t always come out. But missing items isn’t on. She needs to either buy you a new on or replace the missing items.

Ask her if that was yours she has returned as it was a immaculate when you loaned it to her...
She isn't a friend is she had no respect for the mat.

I think this is right.

I’ve just googled it and that’s one expensive bit of kit! If you said you wanted to use it again, she really must have known that she needed to take care of it.

This is it and what I think some posters are missing. If it were a stain and a card which got screwed it then fine, but in the context of everything else that rankles too. And if she’d had said sorry it got stained, you know what babies are like then that would be better than just handing it over for me to find it.

You could ask her to pay something towards a replacement?

I would have been mortified if I were in your friend's position.

I had a “friend” who did this to me. I lent her a lot of stuff - baby bouncer, playmat, clothes, crib etc. She trashed half of it and lost the rest. She didn’t even have the decency to return it to me, I had to drive to her house when heavily pregnant to collect it and I was devastated when I got home and looked at it all. I haven’t spoken to her since.

In your shoes I probably would send a message just saying how disappointed you are that it’s been damaged and so many of the pieces are missing. If she has any manners at all she’ll apologise and offer to replace it.

Could you message her something like “Hi Sue, there’s quite a few bits missing or damaged- is this definitely mine?” to open the conversation and see where it goes?

Her behaviour was totally disrespectful, when you borrow something I was always taught, you look after it better than you would your own things.

I would contact her saying you were very disappointed in the way this item had been returned in, adding it wasn’t in this state when you handed it to her.

It's a risk you take when you agree to lend something, unfortunately.

It has also gone through 2 babies now and isn't going to be in the same condition it was after just 1 baby had used it.

There’s no way I’d ask it to be replaced. You lent something for a baby to use… it was not going to come back immaculate

Sorry to hear that, I bought mine second hand on Vinted with the ring with the crinkly fabric missing and was able to get it separately on Vinted in a bundle with other things I also wanted (so even with the postage and buyers fee it didn’t work out to be too expensive). Hopefully if you keep an eye out you will be able to get what you need (not that you should have to). It’s awful when you have something special and important to you and your family that’s been damaged by someone you trusted and they didn’t even offer an explanation/ apology/ remedy. Maybe a message asking if she could look for the missing pieces would be a good idea as she might at least still have them somewhere?