to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

It’s unfair and not your fault but just learn from this never to lend unless you are chill about not getting it back in the same condition, and certainly don’t lend to her again, but buy yourself a new one.

Still no reply but that’s not abnormal and I know her baby is starting settling in sessions at nursery this morning so I’ve sent a message wishing them well. So I’ll see if she just ignores the other message

Purposely ignoring. I'd call her.

I really hope she gives back the missing pieces, OP. And never lend that friend anything again.
Some people are really awful and careless with things they borrow - I never ever lend books anymore, for example, as I’ve had them returned to me in an pitiful state or not returned and I’m the one who has to chase the borrower!

So cheeky you make sure your careful with other people's items

You can’t allow her to ignore it OP.
It’s an issue that’s important to you, - an issue that arose the moment she gave the play mat back in a very poor state without saying a word as if it didn’t matter one jot.
You set great store by taking care of things properly and in being kind in lending out but she flippantly and dismissively walked rough shod over you and your kindness and generosity.

Your relationship with her will never be the same if you let it go. There will be resentment which is unnecessary as you can easily fix this by leading the way in being more assertive about it.
You must find the courage to remind her again for the missing items until she is forced to confront the issue. It’s entirely normal to stand up for yourself in that way.

And by the way, it’s her job to replace the missing items by buying them if she can’t find them at home, and by handing them to you personally with a sincere apology at which point you should ask her how ever she thought it acceptable to hand it back to you in that awful state without saying a word in the first place.

It will be so much easier to renew the friendship and start afresh after she has had the decency to explain and apologise. If you value the friendship you will enable that to happen. And only at that point will you feel able to be generous in forgiving her - if you want to.

I don’t agree with this sorry. DD used her toys but they were still in perfect condition because I looked after them, cleaned them and tidied them all up so all parts were together. I’m not saying things never got broken (and binned). But if you have to ruin it to enjoy it, that’s not right either.

I am sure your friend is well aware it’s ruined and not in the condition you supplied but presumably there was never a verbal agreement to return it in the same condition. Some people just treat things roughly, don’t look after things, easy come, easy go. She should have bought you a new one, never lend her anything again. I’d let it go and get a new one but I’d be upset too.

Have a look and see if you can get another one cheap on eBay. It's careless and annoying of your friend but it's only a baby gym. Don't lend any items you are actually bothered about to anyone in future.

Your friend seems somewhat disrespectful@OldPossumsPracticalCats
The casual way she handed you back your item, practically destroyed , without so much as a backward glance and then to blatantly ignore your texts.
i would imagine she is disrespectful in other areas, to you , which you’ve excused over the years.
She maybe a slow texter, but if she valued your friendship, she should be bending over backwards to make this up to you. ..
I’d step back a bit …. And I don’t think you’ll get any joy with replacements etc, from her …

One has just come up on vinted for £55 12 minutes ago! It says it's in very good condition but it will probably sell super fast though.

Did she reply to your message OP?

Would be good if someone told the friend about this thread…

I think it’s pretty bad that she trashed the toy when she knew you wanted it back. It doesn’t matter whether it was expensive or cheap - when you’re borrowing something, you take good care of it.

I hope she gives you the pieces back or pays to replace them, OP!

She’s so rude. Can’t even be bothered to really after trashing an expensive item. Not a friend.

I reckon she's hoping you'll forget about it if she leaves it long enough.

This. And if OP isn't direct enough then that's what will happen.

did you get the items replaced OP?

Probably still waiting for her to reply 🙄🤦‍♂️
Any news OP?

This is why we no longer lend things. The last two times we did, the first person lost the item (with no offer to replace it) 😡 With the second person it took months of reminding and cajoling to get our property back. We even considered buying ourselves another one at one point as we were so fed up but we got it eventually.

Nowadays, when someone asks, we just say no politely and move on. After all, we spent hundreds, if not thousands, building our tool collection, other people should do the same.

@OldPossumsPracticalCats any update?

Why do so many threads go on for 15 pages plus with so many people taking their time to give advice then OP doesn't resolve it or update the thread.

Yep. Wonder if this did even happen 🙄

I think the ones that fizzle out to nothing and we never hear an update because the op ended up taking it up the arse are more likely to be true than the ones that escalate and end up in massive friendship ending confrontations, sudden and unexpected growth of massive steely balls, and billowing cape flounces.

Its probably resolved in the - I'm sorry can't find the bits - and Ops learned the hard way not to lend stuff.

I didn’t update because I know that a lot of people will disagree with me. She said she’d keep an eye out if the missing pieces but you know what babies are like. She has returned the play guide though. I’m disappointed because I know what babies are like, but also I had the play gym and a baby - it’s not like I bought it for a doll - and didn’t lose so much of it. I’ve bought another which came up online cheap and had some bits missing too, it arrived yesterday and other than one card, I think we’re pretty much there with it. I’m undecided if to give the rest to my friend, sell it incomplete to recoup some costs or keep as spares for me. Thinking the latter at the moment.

I’m really not a wet blanket, but I’ve resolved the problem and I really value the friendship. I posted when I’d just opened and was shocked and really upset, but I’ve calmed down and sorted it now. We went through years of infertility together and have years of support and care and I really value that more than making a point about the play gym. I’ll chalk it up to an experience about lending, and I won’t lend any more baby toys out until I know I don’t want them back. I wish I could make up an answer where I was sassy and witty but that’s not what’s happened.