to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

It’s a hard lesson learnt. Never lend anything you’re not happy to see the back of, whether it’s money or an expensive play gym. And babies are messy creatures. I’ve been disappointed in the past with how things have been returned to me, have chalked it up to experience and am careful now about what I choose to lend. Can’t bear a bent spine on a book for starters.

She should have been ashamed returning it.
Perhaps she never really imagined you asking for it back but when you did she should have assessed the condition and just bought a new one

I would ask her to replace it.

"Hi x, thanks for returning the play gym, unfortunately it's very badly stained and there are numerous bits missing. As you know, it was really expensive and when I lent it to you it was in excellent condition so I'm really disappointed as it's not in a useable condition any more. There's one on eBay for £xx, do you want me to send you the link to buy it or send me the cash and I'll buy it? Let me know xxx"

You probably mean me and I'm not missing anything.

I would be devastated in your position and really pissed off. But I know that's how I would feel which is why I would never lend something to someone that may not come back in the condition I leant it in.

If the missing bits are replaceable then she needs to replace them but I think two babies worth of use is always going to show some damage.

Baby no 2 really won't care about a stained mat or missing bits though. DC2 absolutely destroyed the fairly treasured play seat I had bought for DC1.

Ask her where they are.

Do you want to save the friendship? If not you have nothing to lose by being fairly blunt with her about it.

Hey friend, thanks for dropping the playmat back. It’s disappointing to get it out and find pieces missing and parts stained. I’m not going to be able to use this now for baby 2, there are some available on Vinted I’d be happy to get if you can pay half towards the cost of the replacement.

She's not a very nice person to return it to you in that condition, but I can't imagine it will go over well if you ask her to buy you a replacement. If you're prepared to end the friendship, you could try, or at least ask for a contribution to a replacement, but again, I doubt someone like this would agree or make it easy on you.

Unfortunately, you've learned this lesson the hard way. Don't lend friends anything of value—especially nothing for babies or young children.

I do t think you’re being unreasonable but I think you need to weigh up whether it’s actually worth asking for a replacement as you could lose a friendship over this if she takes offence (yes I know she’s done wrong). If you’re not that fussed then yes, ask her but if you’d like to continue the friendship maybe let it slide. Then when she sees the new play mat for seasons baby you can comment then!!

That would have been the decent thing to do.

Part of being a parent is advocating for your child, and that sometimes means being assertive and having difficult conversations. The earlier you start, the earlier you'll feel comforting doing it.

Imagine your child is older and someone borrowed a toy worth over £100, and returned it in this state. Would you tell your child to quietly get over it? No. Not unless you want them to have a lifetime of accepting poor treatment. So start now. Contact your friend and be factual, keep emotion out of it. Say that the item is stained with pieces missing and ask when she can sort it or provide a replacement.

Think about how you'd feel if the roles were swapped, you'd want to fix things wouldn't you? So should she, and if she doesn't, then end the friendship.

@OldPossumsPracticalCats
https://www.vinted.co.uk/items/8227975057-lovevery-bunny-teether
I know they’re asking for £10 but it’s been listed for two weeks and nobody has favourited it so they might take an offer

That's awful, unfortunately even if your friend keeps a very tidy home and looks after belongings normally her rules and expectations for babies may be completely different.

You have to mention it to her because it's going to weigh on you otherwise but be prepared for her to take it really badly.

I’ve just followed the link. How the hell is that worth £140!!!! It’s bit of cloth.

I didn’t say I expected it to be immaculate. I just said that so people wouldn’t ask if it was handed over in that condition. I expected it to be complete though. There’s a difference between wear which I understand and expected, and just not receiving so many parts back. The play guide for example isn’t for the baby to use but that hasn’t come back.

I hate borrowing things for exactly this reason. I also often forget to give them back. I’d rather people didn’t lend me things.

You were foolish to lend something so expensive and precious that you were planning to use again to someone with their first baby.

If you make her buy a new one or make a big deal of it you will lose her as a friend.

Big equipment operated by an adult you can expect to be looked after but baby toys not so much.

Noone can predict how well they’ll cope with the world with a new baby, let alone keep everything pristine.

I’m old and have no idea about modern baby things but why on earth do you still need the play guide! What’s in it?

If you buy it new again and you keep it in excellent condition again, you can sell it for about two thirds of the cost on eBay or wherever.

the friend is a turd though. Shows something about her character that she wrecked it and didn’t even say anything. I wouldn’t want a friend like that.

Truthfully OP, is she actually really a friend.
I don't consider this normal behaviour.
This is low class cheeky fxxker behaviour from someone whom has zero respect for you, themselves and your property.
Not normal at all.

I'm a passive aggressive bitch so I'd send a message saying something like, "Hi friend! You seem to have forgotten to bring X, Y and Z item, could you bring them asap please? DC1 loved playing with them and I want DC2 to enjoy them too! Also, I'm going to try and tackle that dark stain that's now on the mat- Could you tell me what it is so that I can research the best way of getting rid of it?"

Hi op I would text friend and say I don’t think this is the playgym I lent you did you have 2? If she replies and says it’s definitely yours just say oh it is ruined I didn’t expect that from you. Then leave it with her to stew and never lend out again to anyone.

Just buy a new one and try to forget it.

Clearly you didn’t look very hard if you think it’s just ‘a bit of cloth’. Or didn’t you notice everything around the cloth…

I’m not here to discuss the virtues of the play gym, but for us it was worth it.

I don’t think I’d be asking for a complete replacement, but I would be asking for the missing things back. Send her a list of everything missing along with a picture from the website of everything in tact, and ask her to have a good scour around for them and remind her it was expensive and given in good condition.

She should’ve apologised to you for the state of it and bits missing & offered to buy a new one. She obviously hope you would’t say anything.

Personally, I would let it go and just never lend her anything ever again.

I can see why you are upset but some of the responses on here are way over the top in my opinion. I don’t think this one event means she isn’t a real friend as some have suggested and I don’t believe passive aggressive messages are the way forward either, especially as she is a friend. It may be that she just has much lower standards than you and hasn’t realised it’s an issue.

I do think you have every right to address it though, but maybe just gently pointing out that you were upset with the condition (as it was expensive and a gift that you wanted to use again) may prompt her to sort the situation. She will probably be mortified and want to offer to sort it out or replace it anyway.

Good luck with whichever approach you decide on x