to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

I would message the friend and ask her what happened to the baby gym- tell her she can keep it because you will have to buy a new one.

If she's a good person she will order you one immediately. If not- then bin her with the gym.

That sounds dreadful. Any decent person wouldn't return an item in that condition. They'd mention it and offer a replacement. Even if it were a cheaper replacement, it's still an offer and an acknowledgement.

I had this with a cousin and my travel cot. The main difference was that she told me about the damage and bought me a brand new one as soon as I found out I was expecting DC2.
YANBU at all.

thats the thing with babies. No respect for other people’s property.

just look out for a second hand one online. They are usually available on marketplace

Can you buy replacement parts?
if so maybe text her the link to them

Sorry op i think you are both unreasonable.

Your friend should have apologised or at least owned up.

On the other hand, i’ve just googled this product as not heard of it before. What an absolute waste of money. A £20 version from argos will do the same thing. Babies will wreck things.

I think this was a case of more money than sense. I would just learn from this, don’t lend your friend stuff again and buy a cheaper replacement mat for your second baby to enjoy.

Why did you spend so much on a play mat?

i had a second hand Lamaze mat. Everything was washable and replaceable

when i finised, i gave it away. It was in excellent condition because i washed it

just get yourself one of those for £35

I’d probably just let it go, and learn from the experience that you shouldn’t lend anything you wouldn’t give away.

I have come to the conclusion that people have wildly differing standards in what they think is excellent / good / acceptable condition. I don’t doubt that it was immaculate when you handed it over; I’m sure your friend thinks she gave it back in immaculate condition.

Yes this!!

Experience has taught me never to lend anything I care so much about that it would be an issue if it were damaged or not returned.

There is an old saying "never borrow, never lend, never lose a friend."

I think your reply is great. If you get the stuff back then I’d let it go although I’d n ver lend her anything again.
if she can’t get them back I’d ask her to replace the missing parts I’d say that’s totally reasonable.

I wouldn’t mention it, really not worth ruining a friendship over.
Im sure she didn’t do it on purpose and maybe she was struggling with a baby (not plain sailing for everyone) and keeping the mat immaculate may have been the least of her problems. Just ask if she has the missing pieces, then wash it. It’s annoying but no more than that.

Oh, it's lovely. I wouldn't have loaned that out. It's available on Amazon for £28 a month x 5 months.

I’d be so embarrassed to hand something back to a friend in that condition! Not just the stains but the missing items, and the fact she didn’t explain as she did… If she’s wealthy enough to replace it, I think I’d be inclined to ask. It might hurt the friendship long term but it’s the fairest thing for her to do in this situation. If someone lent you a £140 dress and you ruined it- stains, holes etc then you’d surely be expected to replace it.

A £20 one from Argos won’t do the same thing. This one is so well designed and it grows with the baby over the first year. There are so many parts to it and ways to play with it. If other people don’t see the case that’s fine but I do and a generic playmat isn’t remotely the same. And people keep saying babies wreck things but mine didn’t and my biggest issue is the missing parts which the baby wouldn’t have done.

Sorry just posted the Argos 20 quid one..

Given these circumstances and the fact you knew you’d want it back for your next child, I think you were mad to lend it out.

Sorry OP but now you’ve said “people say babies wreck things but mine didn’t” you have now guaranteed your second baby will be a demolition machine.

It's not great that it's come back with stains/bits missing but why are you so worried about the missing "play guide"? Surely you know what do with the thing if your first kid used it for ages? That probably went in the recycling long ago!

Sorry I think YABU.

Different kids play in different ways- one child can just be a bit more rough or just more likely to manage to break/ destroy stuff. And I think if it meant that much to you you shouldn’t have lent it and just bought your friend a cheaper one!

I’d ask her for the missing bits, but if she doesn’t have them I’d just buy some new accessories online. I’d also have a good go at cleaning it- put everything you can in a cold wash in the washing machine a couple of times then use hot water and biological washing powder almost as a paste. If that fails try bicarbonate of soda and Vinegar/ lemon juice. And don’t lend anything so expensive again!

How you address this pretty much depends on how much you value your friendship.
The damage is done to your property which was costly, used but you’d cared for it; you lent it out on trust but it came back in a poor state. Evidently, your friend thinks that’s acceptable……it isn’t under any circumstances.
In your situation I would be telling friend just how disappointed you are with the state of it now, ask if she has the missing pieces and can she contribute to a new one for your baby. If she is a genuine friend she might offer explanations and hopefully some cash…..if she shrugs and denies all knowledge then she isn’t worth investing your time and energy in going forward IMO.
Finally, never lend what you can’t afford to lose.

I’m with @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast on this. It’s a lot of money for not very much. Babies, once they are past 3 months, will tend to destroy anything they can get their hands on. So cards will get bent or torn. Toys with so many pieces will end up with pieces getting lost. Mats will get dirty.
Can you prove that the item was in good condition with all the pieces when you gave it to her, because if not, she’s likely to tell you it was like that when she got it.
I’d message her and tell her which items are missing and ask her to check if she’s still got them. If she says no, I’d leave it at that. You can’t force her to replace it; lesson learned.

I would leave it. She’s not going to replace it.
If you can get another one - if anyone around wants to buy a gift for baby 2 I think it would be fine to ask for a donation for a new one.
Your friend is a CF by the way.

I presume that because OP's baby used it constantly for months before growing out of it and the play gym was still in a good condition, she assumed that, with normal use by her friend's baby and if her friend looked after it properly, there wouldn't be a problem.

Her 'friend' is a cheeky fucker for asking for such an expensive item in the first place, for not looking after it and for not even mentioning and apologising for the awful state that she returned it in.

Honestly, your second baby won’t know the difference between the Lovevery play gym and the £20 Argos one. You will, of course, but your baby won’t.