to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

I don't think there is any harm in asking her tp have another look for the bits for it.

So many posters saying the OP risks the friendship if she asks for a replacement (I still say asking for a contribution would be better), but what about the friend risking the same friendship by sending back a broken thing with missing parts and not apologising?

That’s what I’m thinking. I wish us women could just be straight with each other and then move on as friends still. Men don’t do all this pussyfooting around.

Take it as a lesson. If you’re lending something out it will get used and not be in the same condition. Don’t lend things out anymore. I’d keep quiet about this though. I stopped lending things out i’m precious about. My friend never gsve me my baby sling back and it had lovely memories for me. She moved to Lisbon and has probably sold it. People are thoughtless.

That's OK, but I'd just add, at the end:

...I'm sure you just overlooked these items and didn't really mean to be the cheeky fucker that everyone on Mumsnet now thinks you are!! 😆

personally would never lend something I planned to use again for this very reason.
This
As you don't know what condition you're going to get it back in.
Only give if you don't actually want it back.

Unfortunately, what we expect people to do and what people actually do are poles apart.

Unless you gave strict instructions when you loaned it, I don’t see how you can go back now and ask this person to replace it.

Speaking of which, I can’t imagine borrowing something and trashing it and NOT REPLACING IT, either.
How very low class.

And @OldPossumsPracticalCatsI’m sorry. Consider the price of the new toy mat WORTH ditching that horrible woman - and yeah, she’s horrible. This was just a taste. I think you might’ve gotten off cheap. Aren’t you glad you didn’t loan her anything else? Like something you couldn’t replace? I’m sure you are. I am!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! which is far more important and exciting and wonderful!! than anything else.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

@OldPossumsPracticalCats
Don't say you 'think' items are missing. State 'items are missing.'

Also I think you need to infer you would like them replaced.

A big lesson learnt here. Don't lend people stuff that you want to keep in the same condition, particularly expensive items that you know you want to use again.
I thought you were being a little oversensitive over a playmat. I had no idea it was that expensive.

Ask her to replace it. People really need to work on basic ethics, these days.

I think you are totally within your right to ask for a replacement.
This is so irresponsible of your friend 😞

So well said.

I’m really cross on your behalf. I’m non confrontational so I’d be useless in this situation but it would dampen how I felt towards her. She knows what she got and what she handed back. I’d be tempted to text her that I’m disappointed that it was returned stained and with missing pieces and see what her response is. She should be buying you a new one.

She’s not a very good friend to hand the item she asked to borrow from you in that condition. So rude of her to not to replace it. She sounds very entitled.

She needs to replace it, you made it clear you wanted it back to use again so her returning it in a trashed state isn't acceptable. I'd send her the link for a new one and say I'll drop this one off, you can keep this one but I'd like a replacement. I can't believe she didn't replace it without being asked, I'd be so embarrassed. I personally wouldn't have lent such an expensive item though to be honest.

Why should a friendship be ruined though when she's not the one who's done anything wrong?

You should never lend anything you want to a) get back and b) get back in good condition. Things happen, people don’t have the same standards or the same emotional investment in something you do. I’d forget about it and buy another new one for your baby and keep the friendship. Asking for it to be replaced is a bound to cause friction or further upset. Is it really worth it

That is sad. I would’ve been heart broken too. No matter what the possession cheap or expensive if you borrow it it’s in good faith that it should be returned well looked after.

Isn't it a given that if you borrow something,you give it back in exactly the same condition? Or you mention it and reimburse them if it's not? Am I missing something here? 🤦‍♂️

Agree it shouldn't have been returned broken/ damaged but on a practical level - couldn't the mat be given a good scrub? Or could you make a new cover for it? Otherwise Id go with a friendly tone message - hey these bits are missing- can you replace them? Also the mat is stained- could you clean it or replace it? Thanks!

@AutumnLover1990 I think in a perfect world - yes
But we don't live in a perfect world.

I just don't lend things out anymore really. Particularly if I know it would upset / annoy me if it came back in a different state. People use stuff differently, have different levels of care.
I tend to lend things that I actually wouldn't be that bothered if I didn't see it again or just give it to them.
With baby stuff, I didn't lend things after my first baby. I gave it away (or sold it) after my second baby when I knew I wouldn't have any more.

Were you never at her house whilst she was young it? Our gym lay out for about 6 months for all to see!

I just looked. I think the real issue is that it is massively overpriced. You should be able to pop the mat in the wash though.

I think its fair for you to ask for a replacement although not a brand new one. You mentioned she'd had it for 10 months which is quite a while and It was already second hand when you loaned it to her so a second hand replacement in good condition seems reasonable.

for the people saying ‘don’t say anything’ why shouldn’t she? She did her friend a favour and has lost out as a result. Silence is how people get away with murder. I think the OP’s suggested message is a reasonable middle ground. I’d have gone a little harder but she really should be getting the missing bits back.

For what it’s worth I never lent out any baby stuff. If you’re likely to want things back for another child there’s a good chance it’ll never be the same. Over the years there have been a few posts on here with similar scenarios so it’s not uncommon unfortunately.

She’s incredibly rude not to have mentioned the stain and missing parts. I’m intrigued about the guide though- don’t you just let the baby at it?! (But since you gave it to her, yes she should be giving that back). You could have been hoping to sell it yourself after baby 2- if clearly still gets a decent price- so she’s basically wrecked that idea too. I think if she can’t find the missing pieces I’d be telling her I was going to have to buy another one and at the very least could she contribute to that.