I want the positive comments about my weight.

[Globules]

I was at my hobby last night. I went late, so still in office clothes and not my normal jeans and jumper.

After the group ended, I went to speak to one of my friends, X. She told me I looked amazing, really skinny and just fabulous.

Another person, Y, who I barely know, corrected my friend and said I hope I didn't hear what I think I heard. She's looking amazing and fabulous, yes? That's all, right? We don't need that other comment, do we?

X knows Y pretty well, so kinda said, yes, yes. Of course she's looking wonderful. And moved on swiftly.

X knows just how hard I've worked for 2 years to shift the weight. She knows about the 4.30am 10k runs before work. She sponsored me in my first ever half marathon last year. She's seen me deny myself cake. She's watched me choose gin over calorific cocktails.

She knows how bloody hard I've worked to lose the weight. I really enjoyed hearing her say it was noticeable.

I didn't know Y well enough to say anything, and didn't want X to feel I was making a bigger deal of it. I have messaged X this morning telling her what a buzz her comment gave me last night.

Are we really in a place now where friends can't compliment another's weightloss as part of them looking good?

It's not generally the done thing to comment on weight no

It's the 'really skinny' that's problematic. Nobody should be aiming for 'really skinny'. Not sure I'd have addressed it the way y did but I'd have certainly internally winced at that choice of words.

Some people think it's rude. I'm a 90s kid so I am with you - I want to be told how great and slim I look 😆 but a lot of people don't, so it's best not to say that to someone unless you know them well enough to know how it will land. The other person was officious by telling off your friend. I would have said something at the time though - why didn't you?

Are you wanting compliments or specifically weight loss ones? I’m always wary of complimenting weight loss - i don’t know how to say it without saying they were overweight before.
I do tell my friends if they look nice though.

You sound a little bit shallow? Just be happy you have succeeded. For you. Stuff whet others say! Do you need compliments from everyone? Maybe you put too much emphasis on this and it’s noticeable?

Y sounds like an annoying busybody. I can't imagine policing a compliment given between two good friends.

Based on these threads there is a considerable amount of women who do not want others to comment on their weight in any capacity, so I can see why some people err on the side of caution.

And I agree with PP ‘you look amazing’ is a totally different comment to ‘really skinny’.

You can tell somebody they look great without mentioning how skinny they are (by default that means they were a fatty and looked awful). Not everybody wants to be reminded, so honestly I think it’s better to just say “ you look great/so toned/the work outs are really showing” without actually being specific ( unless the person brings it up).

I’ve currently lost 6 stone and almost a healthy weight. I’m very happy bout I don’t particularly WANT people pointing it out. Not in public, not in groups, not in front of others. It makes me feel weird and you can never predict how other people will feel. I also can’t abide people mentioning my new clothes and asking what make they are/how much they were. I’m spending much more on brands that I couldn’t fit into and I just loathe the attention when all I want is to look half decent.

It depends on whether you consider “skinny” a compliment. I don’t, personally.

If you’re framing everything in the language of dieting maybe it is but loads of us hate everything about that culture. I loathe the idea that a woman’s value is intrinsically linked to her weight. Its behind so many women having such poor self esteem and such bad relationships with their own bodies and often leads to disordered eating.

So while I congratulate you on losing the weight I would distance myself from this awful binary approach of “skinny = good”.

Sounds like she only took issue with the ‘really skinny’ bit, not the positive comments as such?

The difficulty is that weight loss isn’t always a positive thing - when I was at my slimmest it was because I was seriously unwell with an (at that time) undiagnosed rare medical condition. People kept telling me how well and wonderful I looked when I was severely unwell. It was just quite uncomfortable as I felt I kept having to explain I wasn’t well (as otherwise they were expecting more and more of me). It’s generally considered taboo now to comment on someone’s weight.

Oh I have lost 11 stone I like being told I am skinny. I know I am not underweight or unhealthy. I think i would of corrected y tbh

a woman’s health is linked to her weight , her future cost to society is linked to her weight. we have to acknowledge and celebrate those who manage to avoid the being overweight trap

would slim have been ok or must we avoid any word that might upset someone who is unhealthy ? Pretend being fat doesn’t matter ?

Well done @Globulestake the comment that makes you feel good and after two years hard work you don’t sound shallow at all! Also well done on the half marathon, are you going for a full marathon? I’ve tried for over a decade to get a place on the London Marathon and so far never made the ballot.

Nope sorry I dont comment on anyone's weight, ever. I have been burned before doing that!

There was even a recent thread on here where people were saying you should never compliment on someone's weight loss as they might actually be ill/stress or depressed and it would insult them. Others said their weight was noone else's business and people should mind their own business etc

So no, its a minefield I'm afraid and the easiest is just not to comment at all.

But when you've lost a lot of weight and people tell you that you look great, you and they both know it's because you have lost weight. I am getting compliments from people who say 'you look great' or 'you look well' and I'm happy to respond thanks I've lost 3.5 stone!! Let's not beat about the bush

I’ve lost over 5 stone (around 38% of my starting weight). If I’m honest I find it really uncomfortable when people comments get too detailed. I’m happy if they say I look well, but when they start grilling me about how much I’ve lost and saying how fantastic I look etc, I don’t like it. Maybe it’s because I’m still a fat person inside, and I don’t like the narrative that fat is ugly and slim is fabulous. There was nothing wrong with me before and whilst I’ve worked hard and have achieved what I wanted, I know that life can get in the way sometimes. If I end up back there I’ll feel twice as shit!!

'a woman’s health is linked to her weight' it certainly is and that goes both ways. We should all be aiming for a healthy weight and to me, 'really skinny' is not that.

I totally agree with this. But, as commenting on the actual size of a person is ‘taboo’, I’d probably stick with ‘and congrats on your weight loss’ or thereabouts.

I agree to an extent with @Pepperedpickles - weight loss can be a sign of ill health, so commenting might be inappropriate. But in this case the friend X who made the comment knew that OP had intentionally lost the weight, so this doesn't apply.

Person Y, who barely knows the OP, was being a busybody, quite frankly. If she felt that strongly about it, she could have had a quiet word with X. Instead, she loudly virtue-signalled to embarrass X and the OP. Y was being a twat.

Well done on your weight loss, OP, I'm sure you are looking both fabulous and slim!

Commenting on weight is a difficult one. It depends on the friendship - my friends and I would compliment on each other's weight loss as we're all battling with menopause etc. But, the 'really skinny' comment is offensive. Nobody wants to be really skinny (unless they have body/mental health issues).

i find an age divide on this.

Gene younger people don’t say anything.

Whereas people my age (51) or older will happily tell me I look fabulous, great, healthy, have lost weight etc.

X is a good friend, of course it’s fine to comment on a good friend’s weight loss! As poster above said Y sounds really annoying. I can imagine exactly the kind of person she is (know someone exactly like her!) You should have stuck up for your friend and told Y you’re happy for your weight loss to be commented on. Amongst acquaintances and people you’re less close to I’d be more wary about commenting on weight loss, even though I don’t agree it should be this way, it sort of feels too personal these days. Often though, not commenting makes it awkward. Just means there’s a massive elephant in the room the whole time (I’m sure there’s a weight-related joke in there somewhere 🤣)
I had a colleague who lost a huge amount of weight over the summer holidays (we are teachers in a school). I actually did a double take when I saw her, some people didn’t even recognise her at all at first! But no one said anything to her!! It felt like everyone was walking on eggshells, terrified to even say she looked good in case it was taken offensively. It just got really awkward cos her change in appearance was so dramatic. I did tell her she was looking fabulous and she seemed really pleased. I think she was desperate for people to comment and would’ve loved some “well done for losing weight” comments!

But you’re assuming that thin automatically equals good.

Obviously there’s a crisis with overweight. But there are many well documented problems with the dieting industry and the obsession with losing weight.

This binary approach does not one any favours. Losing excess weight for health benefits is something to be celebrated but the assumption that everyone should be on a diet is harmful in so many ways.

I don’t see the problem with the ‘really skinny’ comment. My friends and I will say this to each other, it’s not meant to be taken literally