I want the positive comments about my weight.

[Globules]

I was at my hobby last night. I went late, so still in office clothes and not my normal jeans and jumper.

After the group ended, I went to speak to one of my friends, X. She told me I looked amazing, really skinny and just fabulous.

Another person, Y, who I barely know, corrected my friend and said I hope I didn't hear what I think I heard. She's looking amazing and fabulous, yes? That's all, right? We don't need that other comment, do we?

X knows Y pretty well, so kinda said, yes, yes. Of course she's looking wonderful. And moved on swiftly.

X knows just how hard I've worked for 2 years to shift the weight. She knows about the 4.30am 10k runs before work. She sponsored me in my first ever half marathon last year. She's seen me deny myself cake. She's watched me choose gin over calorific cocktails.

She knows how bloody hard I've worked to lose the weight. I really enjoyed hearing her say it was noticeable.

I didn't know Y well enough to say anything, and didn't want X to feel I was making a bigger deal of it. I have messaged X this morning telling her what a buzz her comment gave me last night.

Are we really in a place now where friends can't compliment another's weightloss as part of them looking good?

It is an odd compliment as it’s essentially saying you no longer look fat. But if a close friend said it they presumably know the recognition would be appreciated so really y should have butted out as she doesn’t know you as well

I agree. It’s a shame Y didn’t apply some common sense before rushing in to police language in a private conversation between friends.

These days no. When I did my nursing training in the 70s we had communal changing rooms, people were happy to comment how thin I was (it actually turned out to be gall bladder issues and appendicitis) and acne.i can imagine how it would have gone if I said they were fat. One young sister was in fact, I don't know why it was considered ok .

’You look great!’ is enough.

Mentioning weight is too personal.

In the ‘80s, ‘90s, ‘00s ‘skinny’ was considered a compliment between female friends although it did sometimes veer off into being a bit offensive:

’You look about twelve/ like a pencil/ like you weigh about four stone’. And this was from people at work.

The media were full of articles about eating disorders and people got into the habit of scrutinising one another.

What kind of mannerless jerk asks somebody how much her outfit cost?!

Congratulations on your weight loss though!

The general feeling is now that a woman's worth doesn't have to be tied to her appearance. Particularly in relation to body size. It smacks of body shaming. Probably OK for a close friend but not for someone without that level of closeness.

If your friend knew you were trying to get fit /lose weight and working hard on getting results that it is absolutely fine for her to congratulate you on the work and / or on the results!

Using 'really skinny' as a compliment isn't great but between good friends I would know what they meant and not take offence.

I have a friend who has an eating disorder and I would be extra careful not to use that kind of description around her though. Perhaps your other friend has someone close to her who would similarly struggle with hearing that and that's why she spoke up?

Congratulations on your weight loss, OP.

Im with you. I’m sick of all this pandering. Weight loss is bloody hard work; what’s so wrong in telling someone you admire them & their achievement.

Yeah it’s this. The extreme of diet culture that says skinny = good, controlled, a moral value attributed to weight. Whereas fat = not just body weight but that you must also be lazy, poor self control, a bad person, unlikeable, unintelligent.

Having lived through the 90s and 00s as a taller well built sporty woman, I never want us to go back to that. Where women were made to make themselves smaller to the detriment of their health and self esteem.

Between friends, you can say whatever you like to each other. That’s your business.

I put on a lot of weight after I had a breakdown and had to go on a lot of psychiatric medication.
I got constant negative comments and it was horrible. I ended up taking myself off the meds and the weight fell off me. Then I got lots of compliments and positive comments, so naturally I wanted to stay off the meds only of course after a while I relapsed and was forced to go back on them.
Both positive and negative comments make me feel very self conscious and I don’t really enjoy the positive ones though they’re well meant.
A lot of people who struggle with their weight go up and down over the course of their lives, so even if it does feel good to get compliments, it feels really bad if you put the weight back on down the line.

I don't see what the problem is. The OP is happy to be called skinny and she put a lot of effort to lose weight. The other person is virtue signalling and being patronising. It's none of her business. They're not children.

I'd see it as rude to comment on someone's size or weight. But Y was also being rude to chastise X for it.

You are only allowed to be body positive about fat bodies. That's the rule...

We must embrace and accept ALLLL bodies - as long as they are fat.

@Globules

I think you're all being unreasonable tbh. The person (Y) saying you look really great, and 'really skinny' was out of order. It's suggesting you only look really great because you're 'skinny,' and that being 'skinny' is the best look.

Your friend (X) was being unreasonable because it's got nothing to do with her what other people say to YOU, and she is giving 'slightly jealous' vibes.

YOU are being unreasonable too, because it sounds like you are desperate for people to comment on your weight loss, so it's giving desperate-for-attention and 'look at meeeee' vibes.

Well done on the weight loss though, you have done well, but sometimes when people have lost quite a bit of weight, they do get a bit full of themselves for losing it, and do talk about it a lot. Just don't be that person....

.

I’ve been overweight on and off since I was a teenager and the only positive comments I’ve ever gotten have been for losing weight.
You think your comment sounds clever but you’re talking bollocks.
Body positivity is about separating your self worth from your appearance which is something that is good for everyone. It’s not about promoting a particular body shape.

Just to add - of course its rude to comment on a stranger’s weight. But its also rude to insert yourself into someone else’s conversation and take offence on their behalf. If someone calls you skinny and you’re triggered or offended then it’s your right to tell them so; but it is not your business to tell someone that they should be offended by what another person has said.

It is massively overstepping, intrusive and rather patronising. If OP wasn’t offended - and indeed was rather flattered - then it is no one else’s concern.

I have always been slim, and when very stressed, I lose weight. So skinny to me is an insult. Esp when people make assumptions about my diet and joke about an ED. I would never call anyone that.

But I have a friend whose entire self worth is tied up in her weight. Fat means bad and thin means good and it’s as binary as that. She has spent all her life obsessing about weight and judging others and herself when fat. She is only happy when thin. OP may be a bit like that, someone who laps up compliments about being thin. Her friend knows that and is giving her the validation she needs, so is really doing nothing wrong. The other woman should have stayed quiet.

I never comment on people’s weight or fertility though. I think more people should do this.

Y sounds like a patronising wanker.

Agree with others, saying someone is skinny is definitely not a compliment.

People tend to compliment me when I’ve put on weight “you look healthy.” When I’m slimmer, there’s silence. It’s not that anyone is trying to be tactful; it’s that “skinny” has become an awkward word. We’re careful not to praise thinness for fear of encouraging eating disorders, yet we rarely acknowledge that disordered eating more commonly means eating too much. The result is a strange social rule: we comment on weight gain, but tiptoe around weight loss.

@wishingonastar101 depends on your social circle, one of my friend groups will happily cheer on each other for being "skinny queens" meant and received with love.

Another of my friendship groups have a far more neutral attitude to bodies, and are more likely to compliment a new hair cut etc.

Neither is wrong as we are all comfortable speaking like that.

skinny is a loaded word.

Also not the done thing to police other peoples conversations.

The 'done thing' depends on where you are and who you're with. And sometimes it's not even the sensible or rational thing.

It’s not ‘analytical’, it’s just that words have connotations. And for me, without analysing anything, the word ‘skinny’ has always had the connotation of ‘unhealthily thin, lack of muscle/strength, weedy’. It’s just not a word I’d ever use as a compliment, and I wouldn’t consider it a compliment if used about me.