I want the positive comments about my weight.

[Globules]

I was at my hobby last night. I went late, so still in office clothes and not my normal jeans and jumper.

After the group ended, I went to speak to one of my friends, X. She told me I looked amazing, really skinny and just fabulous.

Another person, Y, who I barely know, corrected my friend and said I hope I didn't hear what I think I heard. She's looking amazing and fabulous, yes? That's all, right? We don't need that other comment, do we?

X knows Y pretty well, so kinda said, yes, yes. Of course she's looking wonderful. And moved on swiftly.

X knows just how hard I've worked for 2 years to shift the weight. She knows about the 4.30am 10k runs before work. She sponsored me in my first ever half marathon last year. She's seen me deny myself cake. She's watched me choose gin over calorific cocktails.

She knows how bloody hard I've worked to lose the weight. I really enjoyed hearing her say it was noticeable.

I didn't know Y well enough to say anything, and didn't want X to feel I was making a bigger deal of it. I have messaged X this morning telling her what a buzz her comment gave me last night.

Are we really in a place now where friends can't compliment another's weightloss as part of them looking good?

Really Y should have minded her own business and not inserted herself into a conversation between you and X. Totally fine for a friend to say you look slim/thin/skinny if she is aware of your weight-loss/fitness journey. Totally not fine for Y to police your conversation or relationship, even if it came from what she perceived as a place of kindness

I wouldn’t give it another thought.

Agree skinny does not and should not equal fabulous. Most people I know who have become ‘skinny’ have chronic illnesses. To me, skinny = frail and that’s not a compliment.

I think I’d rather have a compliment that I’ve worked hard and am looking strong/ lean/ toned whatever.

Congratulating someone on their intentional weight loss is not the same as telling someone admiringly that they look "really skinny". That sounds dangerously close to what anorexics think.

'Really skinny' is hyperbole for 'slim' rather than a statement of fact. Presumably people wouldn't be using it as a compliment if the person looked gaunt and frail.

I agree with Y’s sentiments. IMHO it’s not appropriate to remark on someone’s weight or size, especially in front of people you don’t know well.

They may have personal experience of weight problems, including due to health problems, such as eating disorders, or extreme stress or trauma (e.g. bereavement). If you don’t know Y well, it’s possible she lost a loved one due to an eating disorder and found X’s remarks triggering.

Of course it’s fine for your good friends, such as X, to compliment you on your weight loss when it’s just the two of you, because they know you find that encouraging and how hard you’ve worked. But they should be mindful of saying it in front of other people.

IMHO women shouldn’t be complimented for being skinny, but for being healthy.

That's a matter of interpretation.

but that's you being happy to respond, not the other person mentioning it

Exactly.

I mean when used between female friends in the manner described

But true!

My colleague’s husband met me for the first time and she told me he’d said I was ‘as skinny as a rake’ (in the context of him knowing I was on mounjaro). I was thrilled.

Some people don’t like any comments at all on bodies (especially some MNers). But my friends and I use ‘skinny’ as a compliment. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think Y should have commented. This sort of language is obviously normal between you and X.

I don’t find ‘skinny’ a compliment though. It implies underweight with poor muscle mass. I really like having muscle so for me ‘you look fit/strong/lean’ would be a great compliment on my physique. I’m afraid I associate skinniness with ill health. Interesting how that one word can have either positive or negative associations for different people.

Policing private conversations between friends is never likely to be welcomed. Context is just a word to some people.

I never comment on anyone’s weight. I have an ED myself and people telling me I’m looking “too thin” or “skinny” is a thrilling to me and it takes a lot to override that. Best not to comment

The word skinny is just as bad as the word fat.

Op are you actually really skinny or are you slim?

The issue is it can feed into disordered
eating/exercising. When my very close friend started running she lost weight and initially everyone told her how great she looked. She developed an eating and over exercising disorder that took years for her to recover from. We eventually had an intervention with her as she had gotten so skinny she was jeopardising her health and it was therefore obvious something deeper was going on. But it wasn’t obvious to start with and being told that she looked great having lost weight fed into her identity and impacted how she saw herself.

That isn’t to say that’s the case here, but I will never compliment someone on looking skinny when they’ve lost weight. If they are making the effort to be healthy then great but I wouldn’t compliment without them sharing that and also reminding them that they are great and loved no matter what.

I would never mention body shape/weight. Just 'you look fantastic' etc , theres no need for the skinny part. It minimises you as a person that how great you look depends on being thin. And what about the lady who just had a baby or has struggled with weight all their lives. Not nice for them to overhear those comments
Its as though being thin is the be all and end all.
Also some naturally thin people don't like being thin so it could trigger them too.

I’m surprised so many people see ‘skinny’ as a compliment… to me it has always implied someone is unhealthily thin with poor muscle mass.

I don’t think really skinny is a compliment so it’s odd for your friend to have paired it with fabulous. Just saying fabulous would have been a nice thing to say.
Really skinny is unwell, gaunt and loss of muscle.
I’m in my 50s so have come through 90s waif model era.
I think language and acceptability changes over time. Things that were ok in 90s aren’t ok to say now.

Does this way of thinking mean that if I said to someone “Wow! Love your dress!” it would be interpreted as labeling all the outfits I’ve previously seen them wear as ugly?

Well done OP. Of course it’s not shallow to enjoy compliments, especially after you’ve worked so hard to transform your body. I’ve lost nearly 4 stone and in the last few weeks people have really started to notice. At work yesterday someone said, ‘have you lost weight? You look really lovely’. I don’t see that as an insult as though they were saying ‘you were fat and ugly before’, I see it as the real me emerging from underneath layers of flab that I previously hid behind. If someone refers to me as ‘skinny’ - great!

It wouldn’t be so analytical in my circle. I’ve never considered my friends’ muscle mass. A group are going out on Friday. My friend is picking me up. She texted, ‘I look fat. Don’t be a skinny bitch’

It’s just a compliment.

One of my colleagues the other day told me she preferred me ‘nice and round’. I work with people from all sorts of cultures and you do get some funny comments. Can’t be thin enough for some and others will prefer you with meat on the bones. People also of course lose or gain weight due to stressful events and illness. It’s difficult for those of us who grew up in the ‘heroin chic’ 90s to not be affected. So I prefer it when people say nothing although appreciate that too is odd.

Why are so many people refusing to make a distinction between general and private conversation?
Most people are much more careful about what they say eg in a general chat in the open office than if they were to have a one to one conversation with someone they know well.