I want the positive comments about my weight.

[Globules]

I was at my hobby last night. I went late, so still in office clothes and not my normal jeans and jumper.

After the group ended, I went to speak to one of my friends, X. She told me I looked amazing, really skinny and just fabulous.

Another person, Y, who I barely know, corrected my friend and said I hope I didn't hear what I think I heard. She's looking amazing and fabulous, yes? That's all, right? We don't need that other comment, do we?

X knows Y pretty well, so kinda said, yes, yes. Of course she's looking wonderful. And moved on swiftly.

X knows just how hard I've worked for 2 years to shift the weight. She knows about the 4.30am 10k runs before work. She sponsored me in my first ever half marathon last year. She's seen me deny myself cake. She's watched me choose gin over calorific cocktails.

She knows how bloody hard I've worked to lose the weight. I really enjoyed hearing her say it was noticeable.

I didn't know Y well enough to say anything, and didn't want X to feel I was making a bigger deal of it. I have messaged X this morning telling her what a buzz her comment gave me last night.

Are we really in a place now where friends can't compliment another's weightloss as part of them looking good?

X is my good friend. She knows me well.

I took it all as the compliment she intended it to be.

The use of "really skinny" is probably because she's a 90s girl like me, and like a PP points out, that was common parlance as a compliment back then.

No, we shouldn't be commenting on peoples weight. I'm looking really skinny right now, but that's because I have anorexia and relapsed a year and a half ago. A friend's son is looking really skinny right now, but that's because he's been terribly unwell.

I love hearing that I'm looking skinny because my eating disorder brain just laps it up. That doesn't mean it's at all healthy for me to be told that.

Just because you like it doesn't mean that it's okay to do, you also really need to figure out why"really skinny" is such a compliment when being skinny is not a healthful thing. Like, "wow you're looking really fat" generally isn't a compliment.

Being from the 90s is not excuse, you and your friend should be older and wiser by now surely.

She is her friend she knows how hard she has worked to get slim telling her she has succeeded is not problematic fine not to comment on a strangers weight loss but when you know how hard someone has worked to get slim are we really saying we shouldn't mention it?

I see both points, I don't think it's nice to mention weight normally, however the exception is between close friends who know the whole story and know it would be well received. My best friend and I would call each other skinny bitch in that situation and laugh, obviously that wouldn't come off as funny from say, my boss.

Are we really in a place now where friends can't compliment another's weightloss as part of them looking good?

Of course you can complimenta friends weightloss when you know her and know it is welcome compliment. Some of us don't want anyone to comment on our weight so it is not a compliment for us. But it is a know your friend situation.

Yes. Because "working hard" to get skinny is stupid. No true friend would be celebrating such a thing.

Oh you look much happier now, you have so much more energy now, you're looking beautiful etc are compliments for someone who has worked hard for their health.

"Skinny" is just stupid and those of us who can actually achieve it are sent to hospital because it's so ridiculously stupid.

I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder. I hope you find your way through it sooner than you hope for.

I don't have an eating disorder. My friend knows that. She knew she was paying me a compliment.

Commenting on a strangers weight is a definite no no, but always good if you know a friend is working hard to reach their goals.

I have no doubt X would comment privately and directly if she felt my weight loss was becoming an obsession.

I’ve lost about 2.5st and have had lots of lovely comments. Although, last week two people told me I was ‘really skinny’, which annoyed me. They meant it as a compliment but I think it’s a horrible term. I’m a healthy weight and strength train 3 times a week, I am not skinny!

Telling someone they look really skinny is not a compliment.

“her future cost to society is linked to her weight”
Could you explain this please?
Are you saying that fat women cost more than they contribute? What would be the evidence of that if so?

I would never use the word skinny to compliment someone. It reminds me of that horrible saying “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. I would never mention someone’s weight to them, I’m more likely to say “you look fantastic/amazing”. I’ve always struggled to keep weight on and have been called skinny more than once, it’s met with an icy stare, it’s not a compliment imo.

Why would she be shallow to be happy when someone gives her a compliment, and have doubts when some people are mood killers?

It depends on context. OP took it as a compliment, in conjunction with the words 'amazing' and 'fabulous' it was clearly intended as a compliment. OP's friend knew what she'd like to hear and said it; it's irrelevant whether other people might be offended by it - the friend knew her audience. Person Y had no reason to interfere other than to show off what she thought of her own 'sensitivity'.

Someone who says 'we don't need that other comment, do we' to anyone over the age of 7, probably shouldn't be dishing out advice on social skills.

Me too,

Really hate being called skinny

Hmmmm, I think this is a tricky one. I would never comment on someone's weight unless they specifically mention it themselves. I will say to someone that they are looking "really well" and maybe ask if they've embarked on a new sport or exercise regime to gently see if they are open to some compliments about how they look, but I'd never baldly comment on someone's weight.

I also think that most people comment through their own lense, if that makes sense and it is just their opinion. So the use of the word "skinny" can be a compliment or it can be an insult - depending on how it is used and how it is taken.

I think the only opinion that really matters in this situation is your own @Globules . If you are happy with how you look and what you weigh, then whatever anyone else says is just their opinion and is neither here nor there!

So your friends wouldn't call you it, right?

And I'd never call a friend skinny if they didn't like it.

I've never had an issue with it.

I've never even discussed with any friend that they've got an issue with the word skinny.

This thread has made me realise some people do.

Which is fine. You do you.

But don't interfere in my friendships, and tell me how to think, if YOU'VE got the issue. (Looking at you Y)

I think Y was being kind. You mention Y doesn’t know you as well as X, and probably felt X had made put her foot in it. Y is right, we don’t talk about people’s weight in this way for so many reasons.

@MargoLivebetter , 'looking really well' is an euphemism for 'you've put on a lot of weight' were I'm from, and other MNers have said the same.

I don't want any comments on my weight. (I'm in the normal BMI range but a few pounds either way shows).

I get what you're saying but some things are offensive to those who overhear them too. By saying "you look great, really skinny, just fabulous," or whatever, your friend is inadvertently signalling to others in the room who may be bigger that they don't look as good because of that. I'm not commenting on whether that's right or wrong, I'm just saying that is how it can be perceived.

I wouldn’t ever comment on someone’s weight, especially not to compliment skinny because I don’t think it’s something to aim for.
Although your friend was aware you had deliberately lost weight, you never know you might be complimenting someone who has lost weight through ill health or an eating disorder so I choose not to comment at all on weight.
In any case, a person’s weight/size is the least interesting thing about them. I’d prefer a compliment on something other than my body size.

@AlbieJiggered which kind of makes my point that we comment and receive comments through our own lens! Therefore, probably best not to say anything at all and focus on our own opinion of ourselves, not the random comments of others which may or may not be received in the spirit in which we intended!

i think it up to you (as you were in receipt of the mention about weight) wether "we need that other comment".
I'm glad to receive the comment acknowledging my hard worked for, intended weight loss from my close friend X ,but i understand not everyone in every situation would.

I think it's better to rely on internal motivation and personal satisfaction in order to build self esteem. However, I have noticed that there is often a lot of ill feeling expressed towards those who eat well and exercise in order to look and feel good. I wonder if it's rooted in insecurity.

“Really skinny” is not a compliment and is triggering for people with eating disorders.

“Slim” or “fit and healthy” or “healthy” or a million other things would be absolutely fine. The person commenting may have easily battled an eating disorder themselves or known others that have.

Just because you weren’t triggered or offended, doesn’t suddenly make that term ok.