to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

The way you're describing your mum makes her sounds incredibly materialistic, childish, grabby, judgemental and petulant.

You don't have to spend money to show you love and value a person. Its telling that you don't you want her to know you're going through a belt tightening moment. You're living in your savings. Of course you shouldn't spend hundreds on a gift. Definitely regift the hamper to her.

It sounds like you really need to have a stronger sense of yourself around her
I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.
That's the point where you say "No. I offered to cook, not to treat you to dinner in a restaurant"

You don’t explain why you can’t share your problems with your mother; if you can’t that’s really sad. I would be devastated if my adult children couldn’t tell me and would help them if I could. If you don’t explain she may well feel disappointed as you gave her such a generous gift last year. Personally I’d be delighted with what sounds like a lovely hamper! Just don’t let her know it’s a regift, that might not go down well.

YANBU. But you do need to be clear that last year was a one-off, so that she’s not disappointed on Sunday.

I think you somehow need to set her expectations that last years was a one off. Can you just message and say - I had a lovely time too. No bonus for me this year so we will enjoy Mother’s Day on a smaller scale this time instead. Really looking forward to spending time with you

it’s a shame you can’t let her know your financial worries so she understands what you’re going through

Is your Mother actually as awful as you suggest here?
I would be really upset if either of my DD spent more than they could afford on me
Give her some flowers aand if she is ungrateful get her nothing next year

Also, as a SE person you need to get a bit better at managing money as there are always peaks and troughs

It's hard to make meaningful suggestions when you haven't shared why you don't want her to know about your financial situation.

It sounds like you are scared of your mum: so many secrets from her, big and small, walking on eggshells, tying yourself in ridiculous knots to avoid upsetting her. Why is that, what happens when she's upset or disappointed?

it's a really complex situation where I have had to give her a lot of emotional support. She's very neurodivergent and doesn't respond in typical ways to situations.

maybe I should set expectations that it will be less than last year. I feel very awkward wording it

You need to tell her that your financial situation has changed and much as you enjoyed what you did for Mother’s Day last year it won’t be happening this year .

Use the suggested wording in this post

Can you not say you had an unexpected bonus last year that you enjoyed treating her with but you haven't had one this year so it won't be the same but you would still like her to come for a lovely lunch at yours

Perhaps she enjoyed the meal and the spa because it was time spent together?

It would be ridiculous to hide your financial struggles from your DM, however you think she'd react to it. You definitely need to explain that last year was a one off due to a bonus and you can't afford to repeat it. The hamper sounds like a lovely mother's day gift for her.

If you're only earning £1500, so not even NMW, are you entitled to UC top ups now if you have DC? You also need to plan for what will happen when your savings run out. Can you foresee replacing the contracts? Do you have savings for the taxes you owe? If not, things could get very difficult, very quickly towards the end of this year, so you need to be on top of this.

Seriously dude you need to tell her your finances can't stretch this year. You're going to be full of anxiety and then feel shit after. Just talk to her

Was it actually the spa and the 3 course meal she enjoyed or was it just spending time with you. You can plan a significantly cheaper activity for you both to do together

This is a very good suggestion.

Obviously it’s too late now, but it would have been a good idea to have at least broached this a bit earlier.

If you do want to treat your mum to a meal or spa day at a later date, perhaps have a look on groupon to see what you can get at a discount. Only if you can afford it though.

I hope your finances take an upturn soon as this must be a source of stress to you.

@youalright we do spend alot of time with eachother already. She has no friends and I'm the only person she sees. So I think it was the luxurious treat. I see her every Saturday and we do a puzzle and go on a walk together.

She is a very kind hearted person. With the way she reacts to situations, especially money ones, my life is also alot easier with her not knowing.

Blimey, she sounds horrible! With her hints and her expectation of a massive gift!

I would reply to her - “yes it was so lovely - I was really happy I got that one-off windfall so that I could treat you - it’s a wonderful memory, and I’m glad we did it. It’ll be a long time before I can afford something like that again, so I’m glad we have that memory”

Then get her a bunch of flowers or something normal - something small related to one of her interests perhaps - and enjoy your lovely hamper yourself. You really deserve to enjoy it! You don’t have to put her first and give her the only nice treat you have!

Or you could get her some “home spa” products (not expensive ones!) and say “to remind you of our lovely day out”.

Mother's Day or Mothering Sunday is about visiting your mother church and your actual mother. It's about spending time together not the amount of money spent on a gift. It's a bunch of flowers and a meal together. So you're not being unreasonable at all. Given your financial situation, it's wise to cut back and not feel you have to spend more than you have. As a mum, I'd prefer my children to want to spend time with me, to do the washing up and make me a cup of tea and give me bunch of daffs from the supermarket than spend loads of money that they don't have.

this is what I have typed out but not sent yet "I know it was so lovely spending time with you. I wish I had the funds to treat you like that every year. I am organised this year and I bought you a gift I think you will really like."

My late mum was not an easy person for much of my life (though she mellowed massively in her last couple of decades). I never talked about personal issues to her and in retrospect, she might well have been neurodivergent.

BUT - she was unstintingly generous, even though she'd had little most of her life and she would do anything for anyone, especially family.

She would have been devastated to find out I'd kept financial difficulties from her and even more so if I'd worried about having to get her an expensive gift. Talk to her.

I think you message is well worded, although I would maybe add a few lines like PP advises regarding special memories. Send it today to reset her expectations for the weekend.
I took my Mum away last year for Mothers day, but it was a one off after a very tough year (losing my Dad). This year I am taking her to a nice country pub for lunch with 2 of my teen DDs, and maybe a bunch of flowers.
On a side note, we hosted my Mum for Christmas, made a big fuss of her, and she gave us a lovely hamper full of Xmas treats, and happily told us she had won it in a raffle 😂Did not minimize our enjoyment devouring said hamper x

That's fine OP..just send it, it'll be a weight off.

ok I have received a message back... "thats very sweet of you thank you. What is the gift, I'm so curious? (heart emoji) Shall we book a table at XXX for 7pm?"

XXX is the expensive restaurant we went to last year!

Any ideas?

You have to be direct with neurodivergent people (I am one!).

Are you happy to mention budgetary constraints in a vague way, and just omit details? If so I would say something like:

"Unfortunately I don't have any room in the budget for dinner this year, but I hope you'll love the gift. Would you rather I told you what it is, or kept it a surprise? I'll come and see you at X time on Sunday and we can do X".

If you don't want to mention budget at all, I would say:

"Sadly I can't do a dinner this year, but I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Sunday for quality time. I'll be round at X time and we can do X. Would you like me to tell you what your gift is or keep it a suprise?"

You may have to just keep repeating if her neurodiversity means she struggles with processing or has a one track mind. But don't feel guilty. You're kind and loving and have done a nice thing, and you're doing what you can to be fair and upfront about expectations.