Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

It’s likely he’s reacting to sharing you with the new baby. He doesn’t want to go up to bed when baby gets to stay downstairs with you and he “misses out”.

Maybe make sure he gets plenty of one on one time with you (I know very hard with a clingy 6 week old!) before his bed time and then take your eldest up without the baby to put him to bed and see if that makes it a bit better?

Or maybe act out putting your baby to bed in the cot in your room and let your eldest say night night etc then take him to his room so he doesn’t think baby is staying up and will stay put?

Other than that, it’s just a bloody hard transition to having a sibling and I really really hope it doesn’t last long for your sake - so tough!

From his point of view his whole world has been turned upside down. Of course he’s acting out, he wants Mummy all to himself again.
Good suggestions from the first poster above.
Your toddler is not ruining your family - from his tiny perspective you and your husband did that when you had a second baby.
He feels replaced and needs way more empathy and understanding.

How is he at nursery?

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, I’m in a similar boat age wise with children as we have a toddler and a now 4 month old, it is a huge transition for them and this age does also bring its own challenges even without a baby added to the mix. The main things I do/have done which I do think really help (although don’t get me wrong there are still tough moments and tantrums- totally developmentally normal), you may have already tried but:

• Most destructive behaviour is pent up energy that just has to come out and if they don’t get an opportunity to get that out then they end up finding one themselves which often isn’t ideal. We do a park/walk in the morning which gives toddler an opportunity to burn off some energy and I can feed baby wherever we are, that 45 mins/hour of outdoor exercise tends to mean when we get home toddler is happy to do some crafts/play with toys/do an activity I’ve set out while I feed/change/have some breakfast myself. After lunch we tend to play in the garden with ball/slide/swings/running around the little obstacle course thing or bouncing on trampoline- most of the garden toys we have were pretty cheap and you can look on marketplace too! And again in the evening toddler plays, dances etc

Fine. Eats sleeps. Listens and plays. A good boy for grandparents too. I don't want to ship him off at weekends to them because it's easier. We are never going to sort out this bond issue between us if I pack him off to them. I try and dedicate the day to do crafts and drawing, dancing, park, jigsaws, no joy. Try and go out as a family, he spoils that as well and acts up in public.

Totally normal behaviour - his safe little world that he is content and comfortable and been totally upended. He’s acting out and pushing boundaries and it WILL get better.

It’s only been 6 weeks (which will seem forever for you I know) but you said you’ve tried several things. Trying several things over a short time probably hasn’t helped - he’ll be confused by a new routine/rules/treats that are then changed as I presume you feel aren’t working? Consistency is key - a few nights of a new routine/rule not working for you won’t be long for him to get used to so pick a technique and stick with it.

i had twins when my son was 3. Bedtime on my own so we all went to bed at the same time. He would sit on one side of our bed, then the babies were in the middle. He would help me get them to sleep and then we would have quiet time together, read or watch something. Once he's in bed you can take the baby wherever you want.
It made him involved and he felt a special because he was helping mummy with the babies.

He’s only tiny and he’s got a big change to adapt to. How is his communication?

Do you involve him with the baby?

My DC1 was very difficult at this age including when DC2 was born. But a lot of his behaviour turned out to be frustration from having his ears blocked.

How is his communication?

Have you contacted your HV for advice?

Clicked post too soon sorry!

I also make sure toddler has opportunities to do the things they want to do and are totally developmentally normal in a safe way. It’s normal for toddlers to want to climb, so we have one of those wooden toddler climbing frame things in the living room, climb on there rather than the sofa/coffee table. Totally developmentally normal for toddlers to want to throw things, they are learning skills, cause and effect, we have some really light foam balls that can be thrown and are encouraged to throw- doesn’t hurt or damage anything if it hits you. “No throwing” is not realistic, “here is something you can throw” meets the need without the drama of it ending up being the remote that gets thrown.

Setting up a space that is safe just does really help in my own experience, toys that can be thrown, something that can be climbed, pillows to jump on etc. These are all really normal things for a toddler to want to do, it’s easier to provide a safe space for that than it is to go against it.

I’d say it’s a reaction to the new baby but you said it started months before the baby was born. Lots of toddlers start acting out at two hence the term “terrible twos” so I think it’s fairly usual and will be compounded by the baby. He’ll grow out of it.

3 year olds are the reason that I’ll have no more children. They are terrible.

Communication is absolutely fine. He's a brilliant talker. I will speak to the HV

The toddler isn’t spoiling your day out. He’s being a toddler.
It can be tough, they do play up, but you have to manage and juggle and organise things to make your life easier.

What’s the issue when you are out? If you are trying to talk to your partner as part of it, that’s not going to happen! Basically at these ages, each child needs a whole adult to themselves. So Dh has to concentrate on the toddler while you wrangle the baby or vice versa.

It’s like a strategic game. You look at all the things that are difficult, and avoid them. I stopped doing shopping with DC. Not worth the pain. Mine were not the kind that sat in the pushchair nicely. They were the kind that ran riot at every opportunity. So we only went to places where letting off steam was the point. Parks, play barns, woods…

I agree, his whole world has changed. I imagine, as you said you’re breastfeeding, that your newborn is taking up majority of your time if you’re feeding on demand. Does the baby get put in their moses basket or whatever, so that you can solely focus on your son while the baby sleeps?
With regards to bedtime, I assume the baby is downstairs and so he feels as if it’s not fair that he has to go to bed maybe?
If he’s absolutely fine at nursery and at grandparents house then it’s clearly something at home that is upsetting him. It sounds tough!

It is partly normal 2 year old behaviour
nothings changed at nursery or grandparents, so behaviour there is fortunately the same
adapting the environment is a great idea, foam balls, climbing stuff indoors

when you go out where are you going that he spoils it?

Try doing a Circle of Security parenting course, I found it very helpful.

I think that mothers don't get enough warning that when their second child is born they will at times feel hostility towards their first. It's such a shocking and shame inducing emotion, but it's normal.

I always found 3 the most challenging age. Please try not to blame him for being 3 and behaving like a 3 year old. He isn't deliberately and with malice ruining things. He's trying to make sense of a new situation where he's no longer the focus of all your love and attention.

This is really common, so I’d actually suggest you speak to your HV. My almost 3yo regressed when her baby brother was born. Insisted on wearing nappies having been potty trained, would pinch him when she thought I wasn’t looking (until she realised that just got him more attention). Even if he had just woken she would say ‘He looks tired, pop him in his cot’, which we still tease her about now.

It was a huge adjustment and one of the reasons I gave up breast feeding early as DS would have fed all day. In hindsight I could have expressed milk so DH could feed him or to speed up feeding whilst still giving breast milk - so I am not advocating stopping OP. However, we needed to find the balance that met the entire family’s needs. Lots of one on one time with toddler, dh taking baby out for walks/drives to facilitate that. We [and extended family, without prompting] also made sure that she was given big sister gifts to show how proud of her we were for being a lovely big sister and for helping mummy etc. We ordered craft activities/games to play when baby was sleeping and made sure that we spent a quality 15-20mins entirely focused on toddler before collapsing in a sleep deprived heap on the sofa in front of CBeebies.

If it helps, it really does pass. My two adore each other, even now they are 18/21 in a few weeks and can also annoy the shit out of each other. At the moment you are less than 2m post-partum, tired, adjusting to 2 DCs and your resilience is at a low ebb. In a few months you and DH will look back on this and laugh.

I watched a YouTube video years ago and it was a mum stood behind her toddler in a high chair and when she was acting stressed and moody, the child was also acting stressed and moody and restless. Then she put some music on and started dancing and singing as she put food down and the child instantly changed and was happier.

We don’t realise sometimes how much our moods rub off on our children. If you’re stressed with a new baby and feeding schedules and bottle sterilising and sleepless nights and this new bedtime resistance, chances are that’s affecting your toddler’s mood too.

Any chance of just being fake cheerful when you’re around him, make sure you have music on and are being playful and not just sitting there doing the jigsaw but totally checked out, one eye on the baby and bored (which you no doubt totally still will be and totally reasonably but don’t let it show).

Then swap with DH whilst you scream into a pillow or cry or sulk in another room to let out your true feelings?

Try insulting the baby, ‘he’s sooo boring, you’re much more fun’ ‘can’t wait for the baby to fall asleep then we can read some stories/ get the play do out’ ‘he’s not like you he can’t do anything interesting’ etc, they lap that up.

‘Try insulting the baby’ 🤣 sorry that took me out 🤣🤣🤣

My baby was 20months when our second was born. You need to give him more time, everything he's known has been turned upside down.
Generally speaking though, he's behaving like a normal 2 or 3 Yr old. You're expecting too much. It's developmentally normal for him to test boundaries, you need to be realistic and let some things slide. Like what is he throwing in the house? What do you do when he's hitting etc
Are you letting him help and be involved with the baby? Don't keep the baby from him.

My baby was 20months when our second was born. You need to give him more time, everything he's known has been turned upside down.
Generally speaking though, he's behaving like a normal 2 or 3 Yr old. You're expecting too much. It's developmentally normal for him to test boundaries, you need to be realistic and let some things slide. Like what is he throwing in the house? What do you do when he's hitting etc
Are you letting him help and be involved with the baby? Don't keep the baby from him.

I did this! Not insults, exactly, but I’d roll my eyes at DD1 and say in an exasperated conspiratorial tone “Ugh! Babies!” DD1 lapped it up, she loved it. It was her and me dealing with this new demanding person - made her feel she and I were on a team together.