Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

My eldest was similar when his little brother arrived. It helped me to remember how overwhelming a change it was when I had my first.

Remember that feeling of 'oh wow, my whole life has changed overnight' when you brought your first baby home? Your eldest is experiencing that now. Except he's 3 and has no way of managing such big feelings. And he didn't choose to have a baby, or have months of fully understanding what was coming.

Big changes have to come out somehow, at least he's letting you know he needs support instead of shutting down. And it does get better (though it can feel endless at the time!).

OP, read this carefully and have a think! He’s not ruining your family, you turned his world upside down.

You have to give him more time with you and develop new strategies. And yes, it will get better.

New siblings are always going to be a big change but I would say my DD was at her worst between age 3 and 3.5 years old. Worst tantrums ever! She did slowly mellow after that 6 month stint but it was a tough one!

Does he still nap? Could it be tiredness if this happens end of day?

What does the rhythm of your day typically look like?

For me it was a lot about dealing with my own reactions and expectations (and burn out), making sure I had me time, and learning how to be playful.

One of my DC is still a terrible sleeper so can't help you there!

I understand that babies do cluster feed and it can take a really long time. (I used to hold onto DS whilst he breast fed and do everything one handed. With a 3 year old boy especially, he is like a young puppy who needs to burn off energy.

I try and dedicate the day to do crafts and drawing, dancing, park, jigsaws

Most of these are sitting down activities which require brain power.
I think if he is anything like DS he needs to go out for long morning walks in fields or the local country park for a couple of hours where he can run around and burn the energy off then back for a drink and snack and a relax, couple of children’s programmes where he doesn’t have to think too much then before lunch take him out again for another walk in the park for 20/30 minutes or take him on a walk to the shops to buy things for lunch and dinner then home for lunch then out again an hour later then before dinner and after dinner
I had both of mine on reins and attached the reins to extendable dog leads. They could run around more and still be safe. DS especially needed to burn energy.

If you see you DS starting to get worked up and it isnt because he is hangry etc I would get things ready so you can get out of the house to go to the park for a run around in an instant

It might seem hard work but you will see results. Also don’t compare your DS to girls of the same age.

Whilst you might have a weeks old baby and expect him to fit into the same routine as pre baby it isn’t going to happen.

When he is calm and relaxed after a long walk start to ask him for help with things like baby nappy changing.
Dd thought it was hilarious when I pretended to vomit over the contents of her brothers nappy.

Although he once did clear the John Lewis breast feeding and changing room area because of the stink from his nappy.

Womem were abandoning everything and running for the door clutching their babies
(I too wanted to join them) boobs and nipples all on show. Apparently one young guy saw all this and was grinning away till he caught a whiff
On DS’s behalf he did have a dickie tummy but the fact he was lay on the changing mat giggling away, it looked like he knew what he was doing.

To this day I have never smelled something so foul

A couple of times per week find somewhere you can go to entertain DS. Baby is in the pram (which doubles as a handy sandwich snack drinks and what ever you need carrier) I got a buggy board for dd so she was also there infront of me when she wanted to just stand and be pushed

it doesn’t have to be something completely childish. My go to places were the British Museum, the Science and Natural history museum

Sonewhere where you can interact with DS about the exhibits and whilst baby is in the pram, you are focussing your attention solely on him.
When you stop for a snack or lunch you can breast feed and get DS to help you organise the food and drink

Sometimes that feeling of inclusion and helping goes a long long way to making a bond with his sibling.

When this happened to us DH took on the two year old toddler. He did one to one with him all the time, bathed, reading, bedtime and slept with him. Meanwhile I was unpopular mummy.
It was a trying time but all came good in the end once the baby was a few months old.
I know you are feeding the baby but the baby really only needs physical attention, talk to the toddler throughout. Invent games you can play while you're on the sofa and he is running round. Funny walks, backwards running, hopping etc. Craft and arty stuff doesn't run off energy and neither of my DC ever willingly did colouring or craft. Lots and lots of exercise.

For the babys safety I'd move out with the baby til the toddler can behave.

I think your plan of speaking to the HV is a good idea, you need to be careful of PND if things are this bad.

Hugs to you, a toddler and a newborn is bloody hard going.

Instead of “shipping him off”, can the grandparents come round to your house to play with him or spend time with him? It might make him feel less like he’s being sent away while still giving you some help. My toddler LOVES it when grandparents come to visit.

I’ve read some really ridiculous suggestions on here, but that’s the clear winner for the worst. What a ridiculous, impractical and emotionally damaging idea - the kid is a fairly typical sounding three year old, he is not a risk to a newborn baby if properly supervised by a parent and there’s far less dramatic ways to keep newborn safe like a sling or a playpen.

i’ve been here OP with pretty much the exact same age gap. It was fucking horrific.

Having a second baby was like letting off a bomb in my first child’s world. It changes everything for them and they simply don’t have the emotions or resilience to understand it or cope with it.

I spent a LOT of time in tears after Baby number 2 came along, thinking I’d ruined our first son’s life, and that our family life as a unit was just damaged beyond repair.

I would say things only started to get better when Baby number 2 was about 4-5 months old, and until then we just struggled through.

I didn’t believe anyone when they said things would get better because every day felt like a fucking, never ending nightmare, but it did.

You have my sympathy and congratulations on your new baby xx

Am i missing something? If his birthday is in January he is nowhere near ‘nearly 3’. He’s 2 and 2 months. Not that it really matters - just if a 3 year old is tiny then a just turned 2 year old is still little more than a baby!

Anyway, my eldest was extremely challenging from 2.5 ish to, if I’m being honest, close to 5. Huge energy, huge emotions and huge attitude really resonates. So you do have my sympathy. I really doubted the effect of baby sibling but, with hindsight, I do think that was huge for my eldest. It took him years for him to settle to his sibling.

5 definitely was a bit of a turning point and its continued to get better. He’s still full on, but he’s totally manageable now with lots of exercise and attention. Hang on in there.

edit: sorry sorry, I see baby was born in January, not toddler, my bad!!

Her baby was born in January, so around six weeks old, the toddler is three.

Hi! I didn't want to read and run. My two children have the same age gap. My youngest is now 17 months and I remember the days you are describing well. I feel like some children adjust much easier to having a new sibling and others ( like mine ) don't, or didn't in my case. My daughter regressed in every sense when I was pregnant and first had her sibling; toileting went out the window, violent tantrums, sleep was non existent, everything you describe. I remember feeling so overwhelmed I cried most of my way through these early days. I know you said it's not what you want to hear but it does improve. Its absolutely soul destroying in the meantime though, and if I'm honest you just have to ride it out. Hopefully you've got family that can help here and there?

Thanks for you advice everyone. Picked him up this afternoon with a fresh outlook. Helped him bath the baby. Loads of praise. Stopped saying no when he acted up and tried to distract him with something else. All so far so good hoping bedtime is easier. I posted this after a very long night and hard morning. Upon reflection the words I have used in my post are unkind and I want to make it clear that I love my little boy very much. I just want to find a way we can all be happy at home and get through this hard patch.

Look, don't be bloody hard on yourself and your choice of words here. You're a new mum at the end of her rope. You're doing great.

We had upset around bed time.
I brought the baby up to bed and sat for 10 minutes whilst he was downstairs with Daddy.
He then went up to bed happily.
Dadfy came home after work and never looked at the baby, went straight to him and it all settled.
Its exhausting.
Mind yourself.

We can all use harsher words than ideal when under huge amounts of pressure! You're a mum doing her best and some days you just need to vent a little. Take it one day at a time and look after yourself, you're important too and need all the rest you can get 💐

I put my toddler into nursery when number two came along as I wanted to make sure number two had all the attention I gave to DC1 and I thought he needed some extra stimulus elsewhere with routine and lots of exercise to wear him out. It worked well.

ETA: not full time! I can’t remember how many hours a week but I reckon it was around 16.

I think including him as much as possible with the new baby (where safe and possible) is an excellent idea. Makes them feel included and part of the process. If your breastfeeding that takes time away. Maybe explaining that they can come sit with you and as you breastfeed (when its appropriate. Obviously not everytime) read to them. If they were well behaved before and only acting this way after. Could be they have their "nose knocked out of joint" as my grandmother used to say. Making way for jealousy.

My youngest was an absolute angel until he hit the age of two when he turned into a complete horror, and that was without a baby sibling. He'd have around three rather impressive tantrums a day and was quite difficult at home. I ended up going stir crazy at home so invested in a bike seat, strapped him into it and went on very long bike rides all around the countryside. I'd stop off at parks or beauty spots and let him burn off enough steam to wear him out which seemed to work. I remember having to leave him to it in the middle of supermarket aisles and try my hardest to ignore it. I found ignoring his bad behaviour completely (unless dangerous) and praising the good usually worked. It's hard to remember to bear in mind that they are not rational beings at that age. I tried the naughty step once which resulted in him getting hold of a Sharpie and scribbling all over himself, the walls and the stair carpet. Good times.

You need to involve him in the care of his sibling and reward him when he is good. He feels abandoned and is jealous of all the attention his sibling is getting.

You could put some breast milk in a baby's bottle and let him "feed" the baby for a minute or so each day so that he takes on the protective older brother role.
Let him gently tap the baby on the back after feeding, help you put the baby to sleep in the cot, etc.

This brings back memories! My daughter did all that when I brought the new baby home. It did pass eventually but it was a gruesome time. I'm afraid you just have to grit your teeth.

I found it an incredibly bleak and cynical post that doesn't reflect my experiences at all. I have 4 and yes, there were hard times, but you decide to pull together or you will accidentally pull apart.

In my whole circle there are many people with 3 or more kids and not one of those couples has divorced. The only divorced couples in my circle had 1 child and 2 children respectively.

Children are this young for the blink of an eye. It's hard in the trenches but there is always joy...or no one would have more than 1 child!