Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

My youngest two never got on at all.
It all changed when they started to watch Tellytubbies! They started to give each other " big hugs". Maybe it was just their ages then but the TV programme seemed to have a positive influence.
I agree with what everyone has said about it being a big change in your toddler's life.

There's a brilliant book called "Siblings without Rivalry" - which I read religiously around the time DD2 arrived. It has some really practical advice in it. Good luck.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=siblings+without+rivalry&crid=2XO7VTAFIBQCW&sprefix=siblings+w%2Caps%2C240&ref=nb_sb_ss_mvt-t11-ranker_1_10

I found this really hard. My ds was awful for the best part of a year after I had dd. It is hard for them, of course it is, but it really isn’t equivalent to a spouse coming home with another partner 🙄

Do you get out of the house everyday? My children are a similar age gap and I had to get out of the house every day with them both at that ages. To the park, soft play, toddler groups or even if it was just a very long walk to the supermarket that would take up most the day.

Your eldest sounds like he needs to burn off energy.

This is great advice.

My eldest was hard work as a baby, but as a toddler was an angel - never ran off, would happily walk next to me for hours, go to a restaurant or sit in the trolley to go food shopping etc.

My youngest is 2.5 - she was never a great sleeper but she was a very content baby. However, terrible twos have hit us like a truck. She hates a pram or a trolley, runs off and is generally not a child you can take out anywhere like a shop without having to remove her kicking and screaming.

All you can do is parent the child you have, so in my case - as with the PP - it’s taking her to parks and playareas and soft play, not really going out for food etc, because she’s just not at the stage where she can do that at the moment, but we’ll build up to it. My eldest could sit and watch a film in the cinema at this age but my youngest definitely isn’t there. Your son is in the throes of the terrible twos, he’s had a huge adjustment in a baby sibling. He’s not being naughty or difficult, he’s being 2.

Give him plenty of one to one time, put the baby to “bed” before him so he doesn’t have FOMO, make sure days out are geared to him, not to adults (so very toddler appropriate activities!) and manage your expectations. Always have snacks on hand, and a couple of surprise toys (I have a pack of distraction figures from a tv show she likes, which are hidden unless needed as a distraction if I can see a tantrum brewing). On that note, if you can pre-empt the behaviour, you can try and distract before it escalates. Good luck, you’ve absolutely got this but it’s so difficult in the moment.

I could have written your post OP when I was in the same situation. From when I fell pregnant, I got really bad sciatica and my 1st had just turned 3 and it was hell! Her communication was brilliant, ahead of her age, so not related to frustration of not being understood. I think that that age really hit hard in terms of lack of emotional regulation (completely normal of course) but also an understanding that she wasn't alone with us anymore and had to share us and she really, really, really struggled with that. It was really really rough, I'm not gonna lie. My MH was at rock bottom, and I think hers too, and it took us months to find our way again. What worked, eventually as no quick fix:

• voicing and validating out loud, several times a day, how hard it is to have a younger sibling, sharing parents, time, space, attention, etc.
• relating to how it was for me when I got a little brother too (funnily enough, I was her age so I can make her feel like I really understand)
• saying out loud all the things I love about her many times a day, reassuring I'll always be her mummy, how special she is as she's the one who made me a mun for the 1st time
• trying to spend little pockets of time 1 to 1 being solely focused on her (this is really hard, but even just 5-10 min at a time it makes a difference)
• saying things like "wait baby, I'm busy with 1st child right now, you have to wait for your turn" (even if baby just waits for 1 min)
• when I needed to be focused on baby for long like feeds, nap times, etc. get sth out especially for 1st child (special toys or crafts or audio book or biscuits or whatever)
• I'm sure there are more tips but I can't think of rn

It doesn't work overnight and it takes time for 1st child to get over the heartbreak of the family unit changing. I lost my cool so many times, felt horrible, at my wits end, losing all hope, feeling like I made a big mistake etc. But now 2 years down the line and things are sooooooo much better! It's brilliant having them 2, and I'd say unless my 1st is poorly or overtired, things are much more enjoyable and "calm" (as calm as 2 small kids can be).

Oh I forgot to add, I know you're feeling like your toddler is ruining your family life, but reframing it as "your toddler probably feels like you/dad/baby have ruined his family life too" helps relate to your toddler more, and not position him as against you, if that makes sense.

To put this in to context your toddler was the centre of your world for his while life and now suddenly he is sharing his mum and dad all the time with a sibling. Not only a sibling but one who is permanently feeding on his mummy based on what your saying. His life is turned upside down. He isn't a nightmare he is struggling to adjust.

Honestly in this situation I would say try wean your baby onto a bottle for a couple of feeds a day so dad feeds the baby and you can spend one to one time purely with your toddler then. Loads of praise for good behaviour, cuddles, kisses and fun time. He is a toddler and still needs you. His world has turned upside down so maybe try put some familiarity back into it.

3 is usually the age that they start to have big emotions and try to assert control over situations ie. Lots of tempers and refusing to comply.. this coupled with the fact there is a new sibling.. it’s difficult but normal. Their whole world is flipped upside down! Try looking at emotional regulation techniques and naming their feelings to help them understand. Ie I understand that you are feeling angry, being a big sibling is tough! You are not allowed to hit. Mum has to keep us all safe. Let’s go get a drink/ count to 10/ do some tummy breaths to calm down, that sort of thing. I found the book ‘how to talk so little kids listen’ very useful. Good luck ❤️

I think your expectations of your first child are age inappropriate.

It's very easy to suddenly see the older kids as much older than they are -I found myself doing it and saw other relatives doing it. It's not fair on them.

He's 3 - terrible 2 and toddler being a handful are well know phenomenon - it's actually easier if it's that age when everyone expects it than bit older when pubic is less tolerant.

He's aldso got a new sibling needing you attention - that's a huge things for a small child.

You need techniques that work when out and about - and what works fo ryour child may be different to another - so reading round and asking what works for DGP and it is trial and error. Also getting out helped DS - running off the enery not so easy round a baby but worth doing.

Also as other have said he may well be picking up your moods as your dealing with a newborn - they can be little weathervanes not understanding what they are picking up. Try very hard to to think of him as the problem - he's acting age appropiate and it shoud get easier as they both get older.

My little boy can act like this when he's over tired...I know it sounds silly but if your toddler used to sleep 8-6 and is now sleeping 10pm-4.30am it's so much sleep he's missing out on!
Its so hard to get a grasp of routine back when they wake up so early, I take mine for a nap in the car which seems helps as he would never nap at home anymore.
He's had so much change with the baby, I'm sure your doing an amazing job looking after them both.

Mine had a similar age gap.

I used to feed the baby then hand her over to DH who would take her and the dog out for a walk while I did bedtime with DS. We snuggled up and read a story then I lay with him in his little toddler bed while he fell asleep. Then I had to do the ninja roll out of his bed without waking him.

He had a bed he loved which definitely helped with him staying in bed - it was a little tikes train bed. I would also suggest putting a mattress in his bedroom so if he keeps getting up in the night your dh can sleep in there with him.

Re the other behaviour you could try having a reward chart where he gets a sticker for good behaviour (focus on just one thing at a time e.g. in an attempt to resolve the issue of making a mess you could give stickers for helping put things away/having a tidy bedroom etc). I used to draw a silly picture with 10 circles for stickers. When they had stickers in all 10 they would get a prize, usually something small like a bouncy ball, but it did work.

Finally, try not to blame DS for issues in your marriage. With two little ones you do have to accept to some degree that for a time your relationship will be different, and everyone will be tired. Is it possible to carve out a different time of day for you and dh e.g. is there a moment when ds is at nursery that you could spend time together?

I think you are expecting a lot from him and yourself too! Theres nothing wrong with a weekend at Grandmas now and then .He will have undivided attention and you will have a break too.You are undergoing a massive transformation ATM .2 children are more than double the work. as my HV told me many years ago.He feels sore about sharing you and is taking his frustration when he wrecks the lounge!

what great ideas. As you said meeting their need and providing this in a safe way. OP look at what your toddler is doing and think of ways (or ask here) to accommodate him while keeping him, you and baby safe.

Sorry OP. This is why we stopped at 1 DC tbh, the scenario you are describing sounds quite typical.
They change a lot at this age regardless but on top of that his little world has been turned upside down so I think this is fairly standard behaviour.

I cook everything from scratch and freeze little
portions so he always has a home cooked meal or we all eat the same thing at dinner time at the table freshly cooked. I can't blame chicken nuggets and pizza because he didn't eat that sort of thing!

It’s a massive change. 6 weeks is just a lot of time to get used to not being the only baby in the house. He is acting out the only way he knows how.

Do you get him to “help” with the baby? Just wondering if him being involved more would help.

Yes! We knew (what we thought was) a little horror, avoided him at all costs. Turns out he couldn't hear anyone! Had gromits fitted and turned out to be a lovely chap who followed instructions well.
The mother felt terrible she hadn't realised sooner, but it never crossed our minds this was what it was. Thought he was just naughty 😬

‘Insult the baby’ I can’t stop laughing at that! 😂😂😂

Well his 3 and discovering he is his own person. Throw in a new sibling and tired parents.

Stop doing musical beds. Put child gate over his bedroom and make sure bedroom is child proof. Work on a set bedtime routine.

We uses to do - go for a walk round d the block to burn some energy.
Then quiet watch of TV programme for 20mins.
Then upstairs to do teeth and pj's (so many reward charts lol)
Then stories in his bedroom.
Night kiss, light thingy on the ceiling and leave him to it.
If cried, just went in, no eye contact, no talking, hug and popped back into bed (and repeat)
If he was tooting around the bedroom that was fine as long as they were screaming or crying.
Took couple of weeks for him to realise its bedtime and mum/dad will not interact with me when im supposed to be sleeping.

I remember a psychologist once likening the effect a new baby has on a toddler as no different to the effect it would have on you if your husband moved his mistress in. It's an incredibly hard thing to go through for him.
You're right not to ship him off as that would be even more painful for him.
It's really tough for you, Op. I don't have much advice other than to try to focus on, and praise the good behaviour and maybe turn a bit of a blind eye to some of the bad behaviour. He will adjust eventually.

No wonder some people don't want kids, it really is stressful isn't it?

This reminds me of when my younger siblings were born, especially the 2 immediately younger than me. I'd been promised a new friend to play with and here was this incredibly boring, noisy and gross thing that couldn't talk, couldn't play, couldn't do anything! Lies! The grown ups had lied to me! And what a disappointment. I had imaginary friends, I was a massive look at me show off.

Your language about him is really unpleasant. He doesn't have to mask his feelings at home.
It doesn't feel like you're seeing anything from his perspective at all. That's where you could start. Behaviour is communication and he is communicating that he's unhappy, unsettled, unsure of his place in the family, his world has been upended by the arrival of a sibling. Your (adult) world has and will be enhanced by the addition to the family but for him there have probably been no positives (yet) and won't be for a long while.

You can do it but you need to reframe your starting point.

It's cruel to say he's ruining your family. You need to change your mindset. He's a toddler whose whole world has been turned on its head. You're supposed to be his mother, and you're blaming him for acting like a toddler. He deserves better.