Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

Lots of great advice here, just adding my experience with a two year old was an angel at bed time until we had a new born, then he would t stay in bed or settle and my husband spent hours sitting in his bedroom waiting for him to go to sleep each night. The turning point for us was some advice that with bedtime he was worried about being left alone. We were told to put him to bed all as per usual, say goodnight and then leave the room as normal. Then find a reason to pop back in literally 10 seconds later (eg just putting this toy in its box). Say goodnight again and if all fine do the same - 20 seconds break (just popping some clean washing in your drawer), then 30 seconds, etc but only increasing each time if he’s staying in bed. Calm voice, soft and quiet movements and returning at regular intervals so that he is reassured he isn’t being left. After months if hell it was a very easy and stress free way of doing bedtime and worked a treat. But you have to stay calm and give it some time - best if you can do it while someone else is handling the baby. Good luck. As I’m typing this said son texted me about some earbuds - he’s now 13 and a dream. Promise you this will pass.

This In spades ^

That’s the reason I never took DH to the cinema at that age, the mere thought of it made me recoil in horror! It just wasn’t worth it.

Oops, sorry. Tagged on to the wrong post above!

You say he sleeps at nursery. I’d knock that on the head. I’d either of mine had a nap at that age, even 5 minutes in the car, they’d have been up half the night. Trying to to get a non tired toddler to bed is always going to be a challenge

@Stressedoutmum26 I don’t think you’ve said anything unkind at all or indicated that you don’t love your child. You’re in the newborn trenches with a toddler and you’re being honest about how that looks to you. Two things can be true simultaneously and of course you can love your child more than life and also feel like you’re drowning / overwhelmed with sudden new behaviour. It’s obviosuly upsetting for you all.

Most of the responses are people who have lived through this experience and completely empathise and understand / say they went through the same thing. Even if nothing else, know you’re not alone. Lots of great tips - I can’t offer any as I only have one for now, but I will say, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel all the feelings, I hope you have good friends / family IRL you can speak to and Ofc a glass of wine if you’re partial to it after a bad bedtime 😂

Yes that’s what I read in the op, but she hadn’t said if this definitely correct.
I am not sure if the issue is that it started long before the baby was born but she’s finding it difficult now the baby is here?

If so, then all the advice on how to manage a toddler’s reaction to a new baby is sort of pointless.

5 year olds are worse!

Depends on the five year old. My son was hideous at three but lovely (mostly) at five.

Yes, children can get jealous and stressed when their world changes. But I’m surprised when people say it’s normal. Normal to trash the living room and hit and bite? No.

I didn’t read the thread carefully, but what helped us when my second was born was getting the toddler involved: helping with nappy changes, choosing outfits for the baby, bringing bottles and toys, etc.

We also had a big gift bag filled with toys that I knew my toddler wanted, “from the baby.”

You also need to spend more time with your toddler, just the two of you. I would consider pumping and freezing some milk so the baby can be fed when you're not around.

It gets easier 🙌🏼

Firm boundaries OP. I suspect you and your dh are running round after him trying to appease him Lots of positive praise when he behaves as he should And have the expectation yourself that he will do as you ask him, toddlers sense adults that don't mean what they say. It will get harder before it gets better but you need a bit of tough love here

He sounds perfectly normal, for his age. They don’t call it the ‘terrible two’s’ and ‘furious frees’ for nothing!

On top of which, this new little person has entered his life, who he will find completely uninteresting. But, who takes up Mummy’s time.

If Nan and Grandad are willing to have him sometimes - let them. Tell your son it’s because he’s such a big boy, and that being with Nans and Grandads is for big boys. Make him feel like ‘the special one’ 😊

It’ll pass. But, it’s hard work when it’s happening.

My eldest was a nightmare from 2.5-3.5 peak horror at 3. He dropped his nap around this time. Is yours still napping? If he is, could he possibly need a later bedtime or to drop his nap so he's tired enough to settle at 7? We also had a baby and honestly it's a tough time. We had a futon in my son's room and Dad would go in and sleep on it if he woke or wouldn't settle. When Dad was working late or away we would sometimes all 3 of us end up asleep in my bed. My advice would be to prioritise sleep as much as you can for everyone, toddler included, as behaviour will be so much worse if they are tired. Also prioritise one to one with toddler even if it's just 20 minutes per day. What did you enjoy together before baby? It sounds awful but they are grieving the bond you had and need to be supported through it.

www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-with-new-sibling

Its not the toddler ruining your life. The poor thing is having some serious difficulties in his life which are showing through his behaviour.
Difficult to say why from behind the screen. There are likely more factors. Having a new sibling, having an exhausted mother who has gone through a diffucult pregnancy and caring for a little baby. He will be picking up on your exhaustion and irritability and acting it out. Only you know what you feel like and how you actually treat your toddler. Lots of parents snap or yell or ignore the child out of utter exhaustion and own anxiety.
Also, has he had any jabs recently? They may trigger their nervous systems.

Can you get any help in? Can you get therapy for yourself?

It's really bloody hard to get your pediatrician to prescribe melatonin here in the UK.

There are risks, especially with boys, that they have to consider.

They also won't prescribe if the sleep disturbances are developmentally appropriate.

They will also try and understand the full home situation first, how much exercise, what the child's sensory needs are (even if they're not autistic because everybody has sensory needs), whether there have been any recent disturbances to the home life balance, whether routines are fixed or moveable, and they will make sure changes are made to these first and trialled before administering a medication.

We have been trying to get it prescribed since DS was 3, he's almost 7 and we are due for a review where he may get prescribed it, and that's after an autism diagnosis where it was understood at the autism assessment that at age 7 he will probably also be looking at an ADHD assessment, with well documented hyperactivity and significantly affected sleep.

You can't just book an appointment and say can I have some melatonin for my 3 year old and they write the script there on the spot, it just isn't how it works.

A note re managing his outbursts. Acknowledge his feelings ,show compassion. Dont be mad at him. What a child needs is a calm presence of his parent who can deal with his big nasty emotions and still love them. Lots of parents find this hard. Its more difficult when you have another child to look after too.
This doesnt mean you allow him to hit people or trash things. You need to keep redirecting his force. You may need to physically stop him from certain actions, you need to physically help him ie. by removing an object as they dont have the mental capacity to stop doing it themselves. Keep the boundary - I cant let you harm people, if you need to hit, hit the cushion, hit the ball. This can take some time to get through the anger, frustration, and perhaps a final cry and a hug. You may be exhausted afterwards but the child will benefit from this acceptance from you.
Also it good to have various activities and games to release physical tention that builds up from mental tension on ongoing basis throughout the day. Going outside to run, jump, climb is essential. Inside for us its banging the gymnastics ball, bouncing on a mattress, jumping off the sofa onto the mattress, lots of sensory play with things like chickpeas, that can be scooped and poured, playing tigers, shaking games etc. Look up WholeParent profile on facebook, he had a series of such games posted before christmas. Also Dr. Becky at Good Inside Facebook profile.
Good luck.

Not in the UK it won't.
But a consistent long term bedtime routine will also help.

So glad to read this - it is all so new and an adjustment for all three of you. You sound like a great mum who couldn’t see the wood for the trees because you were so blinded by exhaustion. It happens to us all.

As I said above - it DOES get easier.

Taking melatonin can hinder the body in making its own melatonin supplies. Its not a typical sleeping pill but can still mess up your own body's systems. That goes for adults, so would be very carefull for a toddler. He likely has enough of his own melatonin, but excessive energy or dyregulated nervous system.

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Hey. So, if you have a local Family Hub, (formerly Sure Start) they do regular behaviour based parenting classes that are free and tailored to different ages/stages. They also provide free childcare while you take the class and I’d imagine you could take your baby.

Some people find baby stage hard, personally I had no trouble with baby stage but hadn’t got a clue when DD reached 2. I did one of the courses for toddler to 7 age and it was really helpful. I’d do it again if she becomes a nightmare again down the line 😅.

Some key points that behaviour is about needing parental attention. Ignore as much bad behaviour (unless dangerous or hitting etc) as possible and praise any tiny amount of good behaviour. This lets kids know that only good behaviour will win them the attention they need from their parents. You also constantly need to name their emotions for then at that age as one they can start identifying their emotions they can learn to regulate them.

That’s a great approach. Well done for reaching out on here for different perspectives. I am sure that with a more compassionate and understanding approach he will feel more secure in his attachment to you and the transition will be briefer. But parenting (especially toddler boys) is eventful, challenging and messy - go with the flow and have only one goal which is a calm and peaceful home - after that everything falls into place.

We got a book for my eldest son when my youngest son was born, there is almost the exact same age gap. It talked about all the fun things he could do but the baby couldn't because he was little. like eat ice cream, play at the park. And we got him involved by doing things like he bringing the nappies over at changing time.

Might be a good idea to express some milk so Dad can feed the baby while you do something solely with the toddler.