Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

We took this approach, the baby has no language and feels your love through action so no impact to them.....We started with 'silly baby not being able to eat/sleep/insert thing that the toddler can do". We'd acknowledge the likely big emotions of the toddler by attaching them to us "it's making mummy cross I can't play right now because I have to feed the baby" "I'm sad I can't watch your jumping/tower building right now because I'm changing a nappy"....You get the picture.. That plus massive over the top praise of the things you want. "You are so great at waiting whilst mummy feeds the silly baby" "you are amazing at making up a game whilst mummy changes the nappy, babies can't do that". Then gradually gradually bringing the baby in as a something/someone they can show off too.... "Show the baby your amazing colouring/game" "I think baby is really lucky to have such a fast/amazing/clever sibling". Final part was when baby could react, making baby smile laugh was a big deal. Honestly once DC 1 realised they could make dc2 laugh it was like he'd got a super power. By this point he'd give a running commentary to dc2 sharing his prowess on everything. It kept his ego less battered (obviously as they get older you need to shift the idea gradually that dc1 is the king of everything, but toddlers are incredibly ego centric so it's appropriate at that point in development. Learning the whole world doesn't revolve around them comes a little later and needs easing in!)

I remember my mum giving my oldest brother a doll when her second child came along, she said it was to help acceptance and jealousy. So whenever mum cuddled the baby or had a bath my brother did the same. Apparently worked even though mum had judgemental comments about a boy with a doll!

Good luck OP, am sure things will get better, hang in there and wish you guys well. They'll be thick as thieves one day!

Me and my husband used to ‘argue’ about who got to take our daughter out and who ‘had’ to stay home with the baby. (I know we can all go, but our baby was small and breastfeeding in winter - the park was not fun!) I’d often ‘win’ the argument and let her know I was soooo thrilled to be the one who go to swimming or to the park etc.

my daughter was a nightmare at 2.5 when the new baby was tiny. We had an awful Christmas holiday and I really thought that was life forever! But last Christmas was lovely and she is now soooo good with the baby (he’s 16m and she’s 3.5)

I think your expectations of your first child are age inappropriate.

It's great that he was a 'perfect baby' but it's unfair to him to expect him to be perfect at all times.

Having a new sibling is very hard for a child. It is normal for them to struggle with this.

You need to change how you view him - despite your new baby, he actually needs more 'babying', more love and attention, more empathy to reassure his insecurity that he is no longer important to you.

Saying he's ruining your family and marriage is blaming a tiny child, hardly more than a baby himself. This isn't on him. I hope this is just venting here and you have never ever said this to him.

Don't blame a child for being a child.

My eldest was 4 when we had our second. 4 is easier than 3 but still hard.
He basically referred to his brother as 'that guy in the pram' for about a year. 'Mum that guy in the pram is crying again'
I agree with pp to side with the eldest sometimes, say things like 'he cries so much, not like my biggest most special boy, you are so helpful to mum, you can do so much by yourself' etc.
Also try and get him to help out, little things as it will help change the dynamic if he understands he is bigger and has more responsibility I know he is only three so obviously age appropriate things. And lots of praise of course when he does.

Also, remind yourself when your youngest is this age you’ll think of them as small and as a baby. I consciously babied my daughter (scooping her up and rocking her, carrying her from the car etc.) even though she’s actually quite mature for her age, just so she didn’t miss out on being ‘little’ for longer. It’s definitely a balance, but she loves being treated as little sometimes as well as being ‘a big girl’

The honest truth is that some children are difficult and they break up families. It's extremely hard for anyone to function on broken sleep, constant noise, interruptions, failures and no meaningful adult connection. I don't know anyone with 3 or more children who said the kids slotted perfectly into place. Some manage to pull through but a lot end up divorcing many years down the line.

The only families who manage to remain together and happy are ones where the mother has the temperament of a saint and a backbone of steel. I feel there's a specific type of woman (and this is not meant in any derogatory way at all) who have an almost mystical energy at being a mother. They feel connected and whole after having children and exude and insane patience and power to cope with that lifestyle. I think you could almost compare it to people with exceptional talent in singing, art, sports or intelligence. You are born with talent but you can also make a conscious choice to develop it further.

I feel those women have children knowing they can cope with it all, for good or for bad. If their husband doesn't want it handle it anymore, they will do everything themselves. They ensure everyone's needs in the family are met without expecting anything in return. Other women go into motherhood and realise it's a fucking trap and you will never get the help or rest you need. The only way is to stop at fewer kids, or force yourself to learn the patience and self-sacrifice that those other mums have.

I’d give up on days out for a while if I were you.

I think you need to speak to your HV. Read the language you are using about a child barely out of babyhood himself - “spoiling” and “ruining”. He’s behaving like a typical child his age who just got a new baby sibling - it’s very hard for you but it’s hard for him too. He’s not deliberately giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time and expressing that the only ways a three year old can!

You simply can’t blame a tiny child, whose life your choice to have a baby has upended, for anything to do with your marriage - you as adults made choices about having children, you as adults surely knew this transition was going to be bumpy, you as adults need to take responsibility for your family and relationship.

I really remember this phase too, and I was so upset about it. With hindsight it would have been better, if I could, to see the emotional reaction of the toddler as normal and to be expected, it doesn’t need to be fixed. I tried to “fix” it by spending time with the toddler, crafts and stories etc and then would feel like that hadn’t worked when she was still upset / furious later or the next day or whatever. Instead, do those things if you can but don’t expect miracles, enjoy the good moments and survive the bad moments and the gaps between the bad moments will grow and grow. You can’t really fix this for your toddler - they have to process this huge change and that will be messy! Of course still correct behaviour, no hitting etc but don’t panic about it and that
might help you to cope better with it all? Bedtime for example; totally normal for it to be a bit of a mess when you have a newborn, it won’t be a mess forever, do what works the best and it will start to work more often than not and so on.

Oh my god, this is all so EXTREMELY normal! Toddlers almost all have this reaction to a new baby on the scene. They regress and act up for attention as a way of showing their insecurity. They can't express their feelings in words so they do it the only way they can. Please don't blame him for ruining your family and your marriage. It's not his fault, You may just as well blame the new baby for ruining your toddler's previously happy and contented life.

This is phase is really hard, but it is normal. You will get through it. I know he's being a challenging horror right now but please don't pin all the blame on him. He will pick up on that and feel even more insecure than he feels now. Try to take turns with him and leave your DH with the baby as often as possible, so you both have plenty of quality alone time with him. Or get the GPs to take the baby for a walk for an hour between feeds so you have some time with just you, DH and your toddler.

If you are BFing the baby on demand and it seems permanently attached to you, your toddler will feel completely usurped. Snuggling in your lap was his special spot to feel safe and loved, and he's lost it to this boring creature that can't even do anything yet, except eat, sleep and cry and yet is taking all your attention. Imagine how that makes him feel?

Try not to gush over the baby too much in front of him and make a point of praising him and tell him how much you love him at every opportunity. Say things like 'this baby is so lucky to have you as a big brother. He/she is going to love playing with you when he/she is big enough.'

One thing I wouldn't do, as tempting as it is, is to keep harping on about how he's a 'big boy now' and needs to do xyz on his own so you can look after the baby. He's still tiny and he shouldn't be made to feel like he has to be 'big boy' before he's ready.

When you have a second baby your toddler suddenly seems huge and so grown up. But trust me, when you look back at photos and videos of this stage in ten years time you'll realise he was still a baby too and you'll wonder how on earth you could ever have expected so much from him.

Brilliant, insightful post.

Can you use breat feeding time as special time for toddler?

I promised DS1 that I'd ready him as many stories as he liked when I was feeding during daytime? Does he like games like playing with toy food/ kitchen when he can cook and serve you?

I was also very consistent that I had 2 boys amd 2 arms so was able to snuggle him while feeding. Obviously this depends on having feeding established and comfortable and not one of those babies that is an energetic wriggly feeder

Is your toddler still napping? It may be (in part) he is getting too much daytime sleep and you are facing battles at bedtime because he isn’t tired (and trying to get him to sleep when he isn’t tired is winding him up).

Some children drop their nap just after 2 and some nap until almost 5!

I could not agree with this more @Stressedoutmum26

In addition to your panic thru can sense your irritation and anger too even if you're masking it.

When things got bad when my dd wouldn't sleep as a baby and I was on my own as I'm a completely loan parent - I tried this trick.

id put her in her cot, close the door and imagine her gone - either not born or if something had happened to her and she'd died. I'd really visualise this and then after a few minutes of sitting on the stairs at 3am - I'd flood with so much relief and love and patience I could cope with anything.

You need to find the love and be flooded with it so he feels it and then praise him, cuddle him, reset the boundaries with him.

Good luck it's so tough xx

This started a year ago, the baby is only 6 weeks old so it's not a reaction to a new baby.

@Twooclockrock”That guy in the pram”. I am sure it was anything but funny at the time - but this made me laugh out loud!

speaking as a mum of a 2 and 4 year old, each stage has its own challenges. I’m dealing with the terrible 2s, hitting the older one, throwing toys, trying to teach her to be gentle whilst the older one is “that’s mine!” And no sharing. The kids won’t magically get easier, you’ll have some lovely times in between the stress, so my first suggestion is to speak to your husband and say, the next 5 years are going to be the toughest of our marriage, but if we can get through them together as a team we can get through everything. There’ll be less sex, probably won’t speak to you half as much and when we do it will be very practical based, I’ll be moaning and crying as will you, but we can throw in the odd date night and try and cuddle and be kind to each other in between the chaos, show each other a bit of mercy and grace when we lose the plot, then we’ll be fine. To survive you both have to have the same goal which is to raise happy kids. The early years are the most important for brain development so if you can both make sacrifices now then it will pay off later as you’ll have nice older kids. Otherwise you’ll have a troubled child who will never leave you. Trust me, my mum has one at home with her now who she wished she’d sacrificed more for in the early years. But my dad wasn’t on the same page he was more bothered about himself too

Agree with all of this. It’s a great sign that your toddler used to sleep well and listen and understand etc, that is really encouraging and posters suggesting he will break up your family are being really alarmist based on what you’ve shared.

Ok, missed that. Sorry.

@Stressedoutmum26 does he still have a nap?

Oh my goodness OP, I had the same experience with my DD at age 2.5 when my youngest was born. She struggled so much, even from the first hospital visit when she saw me holding him at 2 days old and had a complete meltdown in the hospital hallway.

I was at home with both of them (oldest son already school age), and she didn't go to nursery, so it was unrelenting 12 hours a day of hideous behaviour. She would try to knock the bottle out of my hand while I was feeding the baby, I couldn't leave her alone in a room with him because she would try and hurt him.

The only thing that worked for me was really embracing the baby wrap/sling. I never used it with my other two, but with Baby #3 it saved me. I would basically wear the baby all day, which allowed me to give DD my attention, and we could go for walks, play together etc. I found that getting her to a playground nice and early, usually after school drop off, set the tone for the day and made things easier. We had ALOT of screen time, way too much, and way more than I ever thought I would give my kids. But it was the only way I could survive.

Whenever I had to feed the baby (he was bottle fed), I couldn't manage without putting something on the screen. She would watch a show for about 30 mins while I fed, burped, and changed baby, and then baby was back in the sling and we were up and moving again.

It was so insanely exhausting.

It sounds like you are all having a tough time and even though you’ll get “it’s normal” “terrible 2’s” it does sound like your toddler is harder than the average 3 year year old.

I think working on his bedtime routine will change how he acts in the day as I’m assuming he is completely overstimulated and over tired so lashing out. There is help out there, definitely speak to a HV. Don’t suffer alone.

Another point to make is his whole world has just changed and he is only 6 weeks in to adjusting to life with a new baby in the house. He is still tiny and all of a sudden, his parents now have this other baby who needs constant attention and breastfeeding etc. your son is probably jealous but that’s normal

I say all of this with love and knowing it doesnt give you the quick fix answer you want...

He is a difficult age. In my experience from my three children, age 3 was hard! And also each transition to a new sibling... I read something that said they are literally grieving the life and relationships they had before baby came. He will be absolutely fine in time but he deserves to have the recognition of what hes going through, regardless if that seems to be his "problem".

I know it is really tough, but Id encourage you to work on your mindset. If youre viewing it through the lens of him "ruining your life", your brain will already be looking for the evidence to support this, he will be picking up on your attitude towards him and is probably feeding into it etc. This is so hard to do especially postpartum and exhausted taking care of a new baby, I totally get it. But you kind of have to fake it til you make it... try hard to reframe it to he is a good kid having a hard time, try and focus on the tiny moments of joy even if it is as small as holding his hand as he walks up the stairs! Im talking tiny!

My practical suggestions are to not stress yourself out over "1 to 1" time, small moments like 15 mins uninterrupted play that he gets to lead, cuddles and stories etc. I always find getting out the house so much better for everyone, even if it is the last thing I feel like doing or it feels overwhelming. Parks, walks, scooter ride, softplay, farm trips etc. Baby in carrier, couple hours outside and then you can chill out a bit at home. Try and have easy activities at home - puzzles, stickers, playdoh, building stuff etc. Play with him for a few mins and then hopefully you can sneak off and he will play a little alone.

Have low expectations - everybody fed and alive is good enough. Make packed lunches night before or when you have a minute, then you dont need to stress in the moment when everyone is hungry. Dont feel bad for screen time or snacks, it is a season!

Also to add, sleep at this age has always been rough for us!! Be consistent and calm as much as you can, tap in support from partner, or if you have to do things like a car bedtime do it! I resorted to that a lot when heavily pregnant with my third and two toddlers at home!

I promise you it gets so much better, youre in the trenches and the fog will lift Xxx

Agree with PP about insulting the baby, I used to point out that baby DS was useless at holding things, fetching things, using the toilet, eating food etc etc. If I needed a hand I'd make a big deal about needing a "big kid" to help me out.

I'd also stop trying to make things "special", sometimes we over egg things too much and it puts too much pressure on them to behave.