Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

My son was an absolute menace between ages 3-4. I was completely on the edge because he was just so unreasonable and confrontational! So many tears and tantrums and extreme behaviour.

However, I came to realise that its really just an age thing (it’s a horrible age) It’s nothing that you’re doing wrong. Its also being compounded by the fact you have a baby. This is not easy for you right now.

I know you don’t want to hear it’ll get better but the reality is that it will and hopefully in the not too distant future! Until then, just take it day by day. Use grandparents/husband as much as you can to get a break from him. Other than that you just have to get through it I’m afraid

This is why parenting books exist. It sounds like you’ve had an easy time of it up til now so haven’t needed them. I liked “how to speak so little kids will listen”. There’s “one two three magic” that friends have said is good.

I only have one child but around the age of 3 they stopped sleeping through the night (which they'd been doing for over a year) and refused to go to bed. We could spend hours putting them back only for them to get up again - all very fraught and upsetting.

After a few weeks I finally realised they were going through some kind of separation anxiety and needed me there when they went to sleep, even though they hadn't before. We took the easy option of co-sleeping which immediately solved the bedtime problems.

I think in your case your son is jealous of his sibling but it's possible it's coincided with some kind of separation anxiety development too? I'd try what a pp suggested about all going to bed together and trying to get him to "help".

Christ almighty, the autism diagnosis party are out in force. (I say this as a mother of a severely autistic child) Why whenever a child is just being difficult is that the first thought. His behaviours are way out of the norm despite what you’re being told. No normal toddler spits and attacks, unless you are not calling out those actions. My autistic child did but we dealt with it, it’s not ok.

Are all the ‘he’s just dealing with sibling adjustment and not getting 100% attention’ going to feel that way when the only child of parents join your child at school and are mean? Will you say, he doesn’t know any better? He spits and attacks your child….. “be kind he’s never had a sibling….”

So this behaviour didn’t coincide with the baby being born if he started this when he was 2, he’s now nearly 3 but the baby is 6 weeks old?

Ah, as a mum of older ones I just want to hug you and tell you that this is a normal stage.

In reality, this will take years to pass. That won't make you feel better now, but i found a lot of comfort in having a trawl through mumsnet from 10, 15+ years ago and seeing loads of exasperated mum posts and realising those kids would be 20yo now! The time will pass and it will be a distant memory and will make you a great grandma!

Just hang in there. You've done a great job by resetting today. We regularly break down and reset because we're a family and we're going to see the best and worst of eachother. Being a mum is role modelling that pick-yourself-up and try again behaviour.

The bad times are part of the precious gift of parenthood (even though they are next-level 🤯)

Listen to Janet Lansbury Unruffled. It’s totally normal and a sign of how deeply he loves you that he is acting this way. Try to think of it like he is. Imagine your husband bringing home another wife. He’s hugging and holding her all the time. ‘But don’t worry I still love you…’

The behaviour includes trashing rooms and refusing sleep, and turning family outings into a circus.

It startled when he turned two, not when the baby was born.
Most posters who have responded to the OP have not noticed this detail.

He is an excellent verbal communicator, and while this isn't necessarily an indicator of an issue in 3 year olds, put together with the very different behaviour at nursery and at home and the serious issues around getting off to sleep, it is something that should be investigated.

An OT would be able to advise, and I agree with a PP wrt sleep onset issues - he probably needs much more sleep than he is getting if he's up for hours every night leading his parents a merry dance. He's probably just about able to hold it together at nursery, but collapses at home in the 'safer' environment, so melatonin prescribed by a pediatrician might be a very good place to start.

Yes.

The onset of this behaviour did not coincide at all with the arrival of the baby.

He kicks, bites, pulls hair, trashes rooms, and is up and not sleeping until 10pm.

None of this behaviour coincided with the arrival of the baby. He's been behaving like this at home since he was 2. He is now 3. The baby is six weeks old.

Melatonin is not a sleeping pill ffs. Contrary to widespread belief here on MN, it is a very good thing and will be prescribed by a pediatrician if he or she sees fit.

You mentioned trying different things, I would chose 1 strategy and stick at it consistently for at least 6 weeks before changing to a new strategy. Kids thrive on rules and consistency. It helps them to feel safe.

I had three children very close together, when my youngest was born the older ones were 13 months old and 2 so our life was pretty hectic. I was not working then as we’d also moved away with my husbands job and decided it was better financially for me to be at home.

Even after my second baby was born I prioritised my older ones and tried to make sure their routine stayed the same, making my baby just fit in! So they went to playgroup on his own, to toddler group with me, to reading sessions at the library etc. I did not have much money so paid clubs were not possible but I developed a good network of friends with children the same ages so we would go and play at each others houses. I was fortunate that all my children were good sleepers and after their afternoon naps, we went out every day to the playground, to see a friend or if too wet , to an indoor shopping precinct which had soft play areas.

I made sure I played with my older two when baby slept in the morning if we were at home, housework waited until they were all asleep in the afternoon ( yes, I got all 3 to sleep at the same time for a couple of hours) so I had some time for a sleep myself or to get tea ready etc.

I had no family support, we had moved over 200 miles away and my husband had a very demanding job with foreign travel but we just about managed. Yes, there were tantrums from the eldest and toilet training was a nightmare but we got there in the end. My three children are now the best of friends despite some jealousy in those pre school days.

I had a ds when DD was 2.5years old. Her reaction was astounding and never bonded with him no matter how I juggled my time.
No matter what I did.
They're in their 30s now and quite close. They're still chalk and cheese and DD has always been the perfect DD whilst DS is fabulous in completely different ways.
You won't change it. You have to accept it.
In the very early days DD asked the health visitor if she'd come to take him back.
No help I know.
Two personalities same parents.
I hope you get support.

Good for you… how is the helpful to an op at the end of her tether who is it having that experience?

Exactly. I feel for this child because the same thing happened to me 43 years ago when I was two. Im over the shock now though and me and little brother get along fine 😂

Also melatonin is not a miracle cure. Why would she suggest that? In Canada it’s available and cheap in the drugstore (chemist) on the shelf, no need to even speak to a pharmacist… and Canadian kids don’t seem to be sleeping any better en masse than children in the UK.

I know lots of adults who taken it and it’s been a mixed bag. It can actually exacerbate restless leg syndrome for those who suffer from it. Others have reported having very unsettling dreams while taking it. I’m sure it it helps some though.

We had similar when our little one was 2 pretty much until 3 tbh! Not saying this to scare you but to say we didn't have a new baby and put it down to an age thing. Although we didn't have the bedtime issue all year, we did have the early rising and all the rest. From age 2 we had a lot of nap transitioning and eventually cut the nap, moved bedtime earlier. This curtailed the not settling for bed and night wake ups we had started to experience with DC. Could you look at nap/sleep times? It must feel so full on with a newborn, be kind to yourselves and remember it won't be like this forever.

We had similar when DC2 was a newborn and DC1 was 2. I know you didn’t want to hear it gets easier but I’ll still say the worst really lasted only some weeks. I think the difficult behavior came from jealousy towards the baby. My advice is to have DH take the eldest on outings as much as possible so he gets 1-1 time with a parent. And take turns where one parents has the kids for 1-2 hours while the other one has a break. Do this a lot. At 6 weeks you can bf just before you leave, and then be away max two hours. At this stage the easiest would probably be to put the baby in a sling and push DC1 to a park or wherever in the stroller. Or if you have a double stroller with a cot, use that. But, breaks, breaks, breaks. That’s the only thing that helps right now.

I would use Chat gpt to say what your routine is like with both children. Give your perspective of your eldest child and see what it suggests. The good thing about it is that you can ask it any questions at the time it’s happening and it will give you the best suggestion on what to do. I have three boys close in age, my youngest is 3, I have started to use it and it helps me so much. Honestly, it might just be a game changer for you at this really stressful time. Or will get easier and you being exhausted doesn’t help. Be kind to yourself, going from one to two is really hard. I found it much harder than going from two to three as I was already juggling.

How much exercise is he getting? A day of crafts and jigswas would have resulted in a trashed house and no sleep for both of mine.
An with th weather this winter, there is a solid chance he didn’t get much outdoor times in nursery either.
Both of mine needed multiple hours of outdoor play and walks to be even remotely nice company

Maybe toddler is bored

Both of mine were decent sleepers as babies then it went out the window from about 2. My theory is they are old enough to be afraid of the dark, being by themselves etc. We got a sleep consultant to help with DD1 when she was 3 it was that bad. So for me this is normal.

We watched a lot of telly when BF - it’s for the greater good…..

You can't tell this from a bloody Mumsnet post! I'm absolutely not an autism or ADHD denier, I used to be an assessor. But this child has just had a new sibling. It is very very normal for toddlers to struggle with that and act out.

I only survived the toddler years with sticker charts and bribery. I can't remember it in lots of detail now that they are teenagers but I had a similar age gap and remember that dc1 watched way too much tv while I breastfed and I felt dreadful about it.

There’s a 15 month difference between mine and this is how I survived (breastfed both):

slept on the side of the mattress of my superking bed to give me extra room and co slept with both babies

got the toddler involved in bat tasks- let’s get a bath ready, let’s add bubbles, etc.

everytime the baby cried or was fussy or wanted to talk, I’d explain how the baby was feeling- trying to introduce empathy to my toddler!

toddler and baby was always taken for a long walk at least once a day- they’re like puppies, they need a release

toddler attended nursery 3 mornings a week and this built up to 3 full days

i babied the older one and spoke to him like I’d speak to the baby- I’d tickle him, chase him and engage in rough and tumble play. I was that embarrassing parent on top of the climbing frame (baby in a sling) and encouraging my older one to go down the slide so that mummy and baby could chase him like monsters, etc.

they’re older now and fight like cats and dogs but the early years is all about survival.

Got the toddler involved in baby tasks*