Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

Also dont be afraid to seek external support - GP, HV, homestart... they are there for a reason and to be utilised if you feel youre struggling or behaviour is beyond what you can manage xxx

You must be at your wits end after almost 12 months of this and now a 6 week old too to cope with too. A sleep regressing toddler and overnight breastfeeding nearly killed me and that just kicked in when the baby arrived, I didn't have it all through my pregnancy.

You've had some good suggestions re adjusting your son to the new baby. I learned too late that my DD1 didn't realise the baby was actually feeding, she just registered that I was cuddling DD2 all day so when that dawned, actually rolling my eyes and complaining the baby was hungry again and we'd have to watch another episode of DD1's favourite [the sound of Timmy Time brings me out in a rash now] made the baby suddenly very popular. But needed to consciously disengage the baby at the end of a feed and put her down away from me. The bonus was she would self settle far earlier than her big sister.

But to the main point, the terrible 2s - open question is whether that's all it is or whether it's something more. The fact that he behaves well/normally with nursery and GP's suggests to me it is not ADHD or similar. But parents with children who have a diagnosis may be able to say whether a child that young can "mask", certainly I don't see threads to suggest they can as anyone saying their child is a nightmare at nursery/school is immediately prompted to get their child tested.

So that makes it environment - can you give more details? Does he sleep longer after a day at nursery? Does he still nap there and/or at home?
What is his nursery routine like and how does that differ when he is at home? Similar for eating? 4.30am wake up suggests hunger for me especially in the dead of winter when it's dark. How early does he eat dinner - could you do him a good bedtime snack? Boiled egg and toast in his own special egg cup?
Odd one this. Is his bedroom warm enough, does he have a proper pillow? DD1 started sleeping way better when she was old enough to have a decent pillow and a nice warm duvet [when we stopped stressing about SIDS]

Support
Can you afford extra nursery slots for a little while when the baby is so young? Or a mother's help / family assistance a few afternoons/ days a week?
Is your husband pulling his weight or leaving it all to you now as you are "off"? If the latter, then time to lose your shit.

Maybe you already do this, but here's what a did when my 2nd was born: watched lots of videos about being a big brother so ds1 was prepared and proud, got him a congratulations big brother card and present, made sure to give him lots of reassurance that I loved him as much as ever, did things together with him and the baby such as reading together, gave him opportunities to help with the baby (he loves feeding him, reading to him and rocking him in his bouncer), and talked a lot about when baby is older he'll be a best friend and look up to him and learn from him.

Granted my ds1 is much older than yours, and he's still acting up more than he used to, his behaviour is definitely worse, which makes sense given how his whole world has changed. But he loves his brother and is very good with him.

My daughter went through a really bad stage at 2 years old. I spoke to my health visitor who came out to help us with techniques and coping strategies, we also went through a positive parenting programme. We also do time out to give her time to calm down, it doesn't work every time but I calmy explain to her why she is in time out and then leave her for about 2/3 minutes and we hug it out and again explain why.

I mean a “threenager” has been coined as an expression for a reason- they can be hard and act like the most unreasonable teenagers!

In your case it probably is at least partly a reaction to the upheaval of a new baby though. Definitely don’t send him to GPs more than you already do, because it’ll just make things work.

Keep him close to you as much as possible. Make as much time for just you (or his Dad but probably especially you if you’ve been most tied to the baby) and him to spend 121. Use the baby’s naps for this of course but also have Dad look after the baby as and when possible.

I agree with pps saying act out putting the baby to bed first so he doesn’t think the baby gets to stay up.

It sounds like what he wants is more time with you though. Can he go to nursery any less? Can Dad take any time off to care for the baby whilst you and DC1 have time together? I know Dad and DC1 need time together too but my hunch is it’s you who’s been taken up with the baby and who he’s been missing.

🙄

That was my technique!
We also used to 'put the newborn to bed' at about 6 if they could nap then (I know i can be hard with witching hour etc) and give eldest attention ++ during bath book and bed. If the baby needs input let one parent give the eldest attention
If they're awake from early until late they're probably absolutely exhausted and over tired and acting out. I know it's so hard but try and get them in bed reasonable time (I used to leave mine listening to tonie box and they'd be out like a light).

It is hard and will get better but thinking of you!

I used to do this with my daughter when DS was born. She loved doing little jobs but it did help that she suddenly loved all babies. Both young adults now and have severe autism and ADHD. But they seem to understand each other better than I do. She will still do anything she's asked to for her brother.

'terrible twos ' is a saying for a reason
they start to be much more mobile, they have huge increases in energy, and they learn they can say NO. its boundary pushing time in every sense = what their body can do and what they can do autonomy wise.
Its a really normal developmental phase.
He is learning social behaviour at nursery and doing really well, but letting rip when he gets home
The key is firm unwavering boundaries, but with space to feel, explore and express himself.
Hopefully he gets plenty of outdoor space to run and let off steam - this is what they need at this point, where it is safe to do so.
But as their autonomy grows their realisation that the world is a much bigger place also kicks in, so home needs also to be a space where the same rules always apply and there are some really firm red lines for behaviour which cannot be crossed. And they also need to learn that No means No while they are tiny like this - but hopefully dont have so many 'no's to deal with.

Now add in a big change. You have been the star of the show until now. the whole world has revolved around you. Everyone loves you, you are the best thing sionce sliced bread. And now you are not. There is a boring, smelly, noisy new person who everyone is looking at first. people dont mean to, but its natural - its all 'let me see the new baby' practically shoving toddler out of the way to get to it.
you are going to do anything in your tiny repertoire to get attention. And you are going to feel some huge emotions - some of them not very nice. Angry and resentful are the easiest, but also scared and frightened - questioning if you are still loved or important, and if this can happen, then what else could? And its very likely that if you express any negativity towards the baby you get told off, or that its wrong to say it.
you are scared, and when you are scared you regress and you want your mum. And despite little moments of attention, she just doesnt seem to be there for you.

My daughter was 5 when her brother was born and yes, we had this. It was important to try not to upset her routine too much - to make the baby fit around the things she did or needed rather than not.The MOST important thing seemed to be to make suree that she had her bedtime routine with just me, and baby looked after by dad. And if baby cried, it was up to him to deal with it - I needed to focus 100% on her and not rush off to check. It made her feel a priority. It probably took only an hour - bath, a snuggle, a decent amount of reading. Just absolute 1-2-1 time.

and it is a phase, which you are in the early stages of

Nothing is working because you’re trying nothing consistently. Instead of trying everything, try one thing consistently! He’s unsettled and he needs new boundaries to be established.

I was in this boat this time last year! Baby now almost 1. Things are lovely now but hod it was hard so you have my absolute sympathy.

Praise every single good thing he does, praise hard. EVERY TIME. Ignore every bad thing. IGNORE it. He’s Looking for connection and will accept negative attention every time if it’s available. Make positive attention the only thing available and he’ll chase it. You have to do this consistently. Don’t try it for a few days and decide it doesn’t work. It takes time to unwind learned rewards/behaviour and establish new ones.

It's a normal jealousy reaction. Imagine if you had been married for 3 years and your OH suddenly introduced a new woman into the home and said you must just suck it up. And that you must go somewhere else during the daytime (nursery) so he can concentrate on his new woman.

This is just how it feels for your toddler! Of course he is angry!

My second DD used to hurl wooden bricks at the French doors every time I breast fed the second!

There have been lots of helpful suggestions upthread, and I would add that you need to leave baby with your OH and take toddler out for some special time together when he is the centre of attention.

Central to this is your now negative attitude to your toddler - he is cast as the villain who is ruining your lives, when in fact he is a very small person who is deeply hurt and confused.

I know it is hard - you need to give a lot of yourself to the new baby and have this "delinquent" causing chaos around you.

Giving more time to your toddler will involve giving less to your baby. I know this feels as if it is going against the grain, but second and subsequent babies inevitably receive less attention than the first and it does them no harm. I used to leave my second to cry much longer before going to them when I was tied up doing something with the first. She has turned out fine. She has learned to be part of a family where there are needs other than her own.

I know it is a challenge - you have not long given birth, you are tired, you have a thorn in your side in the form of a sad and angry toddler. This is the most difficult bit and it will get better. But your toddler will feel your resentment and behave worse not better.

This phase does not last long and hopefully your OH can cooperate with giving you the chance to make more time for your toddler. A bit of you will feel you do not want to - that you are "rewarding" bad behaviour, and that you are annoyed with him. But honestly time invested now will bring rewards for you all in the long run and will help you to remember how much you love him.

Good luck.

Your language towards your little boy is way off - he isnt ruining your marriage, family time and days out - he is going through a 3 year old hormonal transition and his family has changed - lots of children struggle with this - but as he is fine in other settings and relationships - nursery, grandparents - then it’s his relationship with either you or your DH that is causing him distress. I think if you are scapegoating him with the language you have used in these posts then he will absolutely feel your implicit rage, frustration and demonisation of him and this is a huge change from the blissful times 6 weeks ago and he is acting out of trauma - that his once secure unconditional attachment bond has now turned sour. He is still a baby himself and is not to blame for your marriage / family time / outings being under threat / not being perfect.

Maybe it’s you who has the biggest challenge to adapting to two children - it’s been the middle of a very wet winter (if you are in UK) - family days out in these conditions with a newborn - just why - maybe lower your expectations of yourself and don’t expect raising a new born and a 3 year old to be the same as when you had only one new born to focus on.

How is your own emotional health post partum? Where is the Dad in all of this? I think you need a reset and a more intentional compassionate approach to your DS. Toddlers are never to blame for anything. Make sure you get some help for yourself.

I’m not saying whole thing is the baby, just that having the baby makes it worse.

I think it’s all quite normal though.

I visited an NT properly as part of a hike yesterday, and it was full of toddlers and small children. Lots of them were acting up or complaining as it was a a bit cold and misty. Made me glad mine are older now! But all looked very normal.

It’s not so much “ruining”’it as just what toddler life is like - at least for most!

I think having a very easy baby has skewed your expectations a bit - it was a great thing you got lucky with your first baby and his temperament at the time, but no one has plain sailing for the whole of their children’s childhood. It’s just not life!

My second DD used to hurl wooden bricks at the French doors every time I breast fed the second! - sorry - that should read "My first DD used to hurl wooden bricks at the French doors every time I breast fed the second!*

How is this any help whatsoever?

I thought it was very helpful - seeing things from the toddler’s pov.

Lots of good advice here, I just wanted to say - solidarity. My oldest has just turned 3 and youngest nearly 10 months, I found the transition from 1 to 2 really fucking rough. The oldest has been a horror at times. It has got easier/different over time as I've learned to adapt, but I also breastfed (still am) and it was so hard to give everyone what they needed, especially when I came last in the pecking order.

What helped for me:

• baby in the carrier, a lot. All naps in carrier so we can be on the go for the toddler to burn off energy.
• stay and play sessions, ideally 2 hours - my oldest loves these and it gave me a bit of a break to focus on the baby (especially as other mums are often happy to keep an eye on my oldest as I sort the baby). Do you have anything like this nearby that you could go to?
• 1 on 1 time at the weekend when my husband is around, we would each take one child for a bit of quality time and can still do family things (eg days out) with the baby in the carrier.
• consequences for bad behaviour. It's draining but eg removing my oldest from situations if he didn't follow my warnings, taking toys away if he throws them, reminding him about my expectations re behaviour on the way to activities (and reminding him again, and again, and again etc). Appreciate it's bloody hard work to do all this when you have 2, especially as it feels never ending. Consistency is key, I suppose is what I'm trying to say. Your oldest won't be like this forever (and when he's over it the youngest will just be starting 🫠).
• films. Baby napping in carrier, snuggle up on the sofa and watch a film. Point out the funny bits and silly bits, laugh together.

Sorry if I've repeated anything you're already doing. It's still hard for me now but in different ways, and I'm better at dealing with it and you will be too. You're a good mum and you're doing a great job 💐

I agree. I think it's very helpful to see things from the toddler's perspective.

Cut UPF from his diet, as well as sugary foods as much as possible. It really makes a big difference.

It’s been hardly anytime since his sibling has been born and he’s adjusting to his life being turned upside down and reacting in the only way he knows how to.

Im sore it’s been a shock as he was so good before all this, sometimes I think it’s harder for parents to deal with an unruly toddler when they’ve had a blissful baby.

Hang in there op, and consistency is key, sounds like you’ve tried lots of things in a short space of time, pick one and stick with it.

We went through similar. One thing that really helped was to routinely, at bedtime, talk about all the positive things our toddler did in the day. If they start to see themselves as the 'bad' one, you're in trouble.

I could have written this 9 months ago! Things are much improved now, while there are still some fraught times, it is nowhere near as relentless as it was. We did try and give our toddler some one on one time, cuddles etc., but I think really it was just a matter of waiting it out. Now, he loves his little brother and loves making him smile/laugh. I’m glad I had them close together, even if it is difficult at times and I can see a strong bond forming between them. Basically, just know that this is normal, and it will feel like you are barely surviving at times! But it will pass.

My older child loved going out to the park with a new baby in the pram.
They could run free, expel energy and, due to baby in pram, I was available to push swings etc.

at least breast fed vomit isn’t as revoltingly smelling as bottle ☺️, & baby would throw up regardless of what’s going on in the background.
Cant he go to nursery to wear him out?

There were times when my two younger children were born that I just didn't recognise my normally quiet, placid son. After my third child was born, the two of them would rampage around just as I was trying to settle the new baby. Honestly, I was so angry and frustrated witht he pair of them. Both times it lasted only a few weeks and soon settled down. It's tough as you're tired and could do with things going your way but the groundwork you have built with your son will stand you all in good stead. This too will pass and in my experience pretty quickly. Consistency is something to aim for and even if you really dislike the way your son is behaving, make sure he knows you love him.