Toddler is ruining our family and my marriage

[Stressedoutmum26]

Our first child was born three years ago after a rough pregnancy. He was the most content, happy baby, hit all his milestones and settled into nursery with no issues. He slept brilliantly too – in his own bed from 8pm–6am from just before he turned two. Bedtime was a kiss, a story and “night night mummy”.
We decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in May and our second was born in January. Since around his second birthday our eldest has slowly become harder and now we are at breaking point. He’s almost three and I have a six-week-old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding.
From about 4.30am until 10pm he’s an absolute nightmare. He trashes rooms, destroys toys, constantly says no, hits, bites, kicks, throws things, spits and pulls my hair – even when the baby isn’t there. Bedtime has become three hours of musical beds between me upstairs and Daddy downstairs.
We’ve tried one-to-one time, treats, taking things away, different routines – nothing is working. We’re exhausted and constantly snapping at each other. We don’t even get five minutes at the end of the day because he’s climbing furniture or trying to hit the baby. I don't want to be around him.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’m writing this while he’s trashing the living room and the baby has just been sick all over me while I’m trying to feed him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Please don’t just say “it gets easier”. I really need help now.

Have a look at some occupational therapy ideas for bedtime. Lots of full body moves like crashing onto cushions and big squeezes. Lots of ideas online like this

www.instagram.com/reel/CtZWhH9MToL/?igsh=ajdjdGpmcXh2NG4y

I had 3 under 5 at one point and found that for the older ones it was nice for them to feel they were getting to do things 'the baby can't do or have'.

Like staying up a bit late. (6.30, half an hour after baby has 'gone to bed') but they don't know it's not late and that the baby hasn't 'gone to bed'. Eating certain nice foods that baby can't have. Going to the park with just you while DH has the baby at home (baby is too small).

Basically appeal to the 'grown up big boy much more helpful and having a better life than the baby' side of them.

💐
Either way things really will change. All things do.

Where is your Dh in all of this? Because if he’s at nursery during the day, Dh should be working as a team with you in the evenings and on weekends. There shouldn’t be musical beds, your Dh should be doing bedtime with him as he should have been well before baby arrived. He shouldn’t be trashing the house, because your Dh should be parenting him. He should be having lots of 1 to 1 time on weekends with each of you, not dragged on family days out with a baby.

Hes fine at nursery, its home that is the problem. Where did this screaming bundle appear from that takes my mummy away from me?
Its tough, ive been there but it does pass eventually

Most of this sounds a lot like atypical 2 year old behaviour OP. A new sibling is a lot to adjust to at any age, I suspect at 2 it would be even more difficult. My eldest was 6 when my youngesr child was born. They are now 3 and 9 and get along very well. I found this age gap very manageable. A friend of mine has a 4 year old and 2 year old and she has her hands completely full, I’m exhausted watching her. Toddlers are difficult.

Could you “ship” the baby out so you get some rest and 1:1 time with your eldest child? Then meet up for walks, take bay back home. Emphasise what family means and maybe look at meeting other mums with a toddler and a baby so your eldest gets a sense of normality.

See a paediatrician. He has a sleep onset disorder. Melatonin will change your life. You need a prescription.

He also needs to be assessed for autism/ADHD.

Agree with others - your little one is coping with a massive change in his life. Imagine if your husband brought home a new wife and gave her all his attention and you were told that you have to be nice to the new wife and look after her! That's how the new baby feels to a toddler.

You both need to give him lots of extra cuddles and attention and opportunities to let off steam. Throwing beanbags into a tub, big pillows to jump on and pummel, put away heavy or dangerous to throw toys for now. Try to ignore low level undesirable behaviour and praise to high heaven any good behaviour. If you can, put baby down to sleep and give him undivided attention as much as possible - if he's at nursery during the day, he's well aware that baby is at home and he's probably feeling a bit pushed out. Remember he's at the age when children do start to assert their independence (hence the use of 'no' - typical of 2/3 year olds!) and that is a normal developmental stage. I remember my eldest at 3 saying 'you're not the boss of me!' and I had to tell him that sadly yes I am, until he's 18 while trying not to laugh!

It's quite normal for toddlers to regress and act out babyish behaviour when they have a new baby sibling. Don't tell him off for this, give lots of cuddles and reassurance. Bedtime/bathtime is a good time to have some splashy fun and cuddles and stories if you can get baby down for a nap beforehand.

Try not to catastrophise in your head and think that your lovely toddler has turned into a monster - this is a normal phase and you have to just take a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time!

If you can afford it, get a paediatric occupational therapist. Ask them for behaviour help. You’ve probably already done this but can you make your living room more toddler proof in the meantime? As little for him to trash as possible, but I’m guessing you’ve already done as much of this as you can.

Is he in childcare? Is his behaviour the same at childcare? If he’s not in childcare, again, if it’s possible to afford it can you put him in childcare for a few hours on some days just so you get a break?

Hi OP,
I had a similar problem when my older child was 2-3 and my younger child was born. My Mum gave me some great advice : ‘’Your child can sense that you’re panicking, your child can sense that he is the one in control, the one dictating your emotions, dictating the family dynamic. He can sense that you’re vulnerable and feel like the situation is out of your control. A 3 year old does not want to have that much power. Your child is testing your boundaries in the hope that you will take back the control and provide him with a sense of security again.’’ I don’t’ mean external ‘’control’’ like consequences and punishments, at all, but ‘internal control’, a feeling that you’re the parent, you’re in charge of this situation. Children can sense the difference between a parent who is telling them ‘’We don’t hit’’ with an increasing sense of internal panic, and a parent who’s telling them ‘’We don’t hit’’ with a clear, confident, boundary-setting expectation. The reason your child is behaving well at nursery and his grandparents is because the nursery staff and his grandparents aren’t panicking. It’s a vicious circle of course.. the worse his behaviour becomes, the more you panic, and when you feel out of your depth trying to nurse a newborn at the same time as managing his behaviour, it’s difficult. Try and create specific expectations and boundaries in a calm firm way like ‘’Daddy is going to take the baby now, and we’re going to go to sleep, come on. Lets go upstairs, read a story, I’ll lie down with you and we can talk and have a cuddle and I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep. No, don’t hit, you’re absolutely not going to spit. It’s disgusting and we don’t’ do that. Come upstairs now..’’ Etc. I started gradually trying to implement that kind of approach and notice and manage my own internal sense of panic, and it improved rapidly. Hope it helps.

There’s nothing to suggest he needs a diagnosis. He’s just a small child whose world has been turned upside down. Let’s not medicalise it.

And also this, reward him with lots of attention for good behaviour and low-level disinterest for bad behaviour, to reinforce that good behaviour gets attention. And I'd definitely stay with him until he falls asleep at bedtime- there's just no point fighting with a toddler, reassurance is better.

OP said these issues started just after he turned 2.

He is nearly 3 now and his sister is only 6 weeks old so it’s likely not just the new baby.

Big pile of books in a basket so that every time you need to feed baby, sit down, glass of water, model positive excitement and read the toddler a story. All the voices, lots of questions
Buy You Choose by Nick Sharratt.
You need lots of books because you will have to go to a place of repetition.
This will pass and your toddler will get a massive literacy boost.

Put away your phone and screens.

Some great advice from posters, I hope it helps.

I always remember reading: "Imagine your husband said to you I love you so much I am going to get another wife. That's how it can feel for a child when you get another child. 😟

Don’t be ridiculous.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time OP. I remember when my second arrived everyone was like 'ooh how are you getting on with the new baby' and I was like 'the new baby is not a problem at all, it's the toddler who's on a mad one!'

I think we actually just got very lucky that our first didn't lose the plot too much, I know several friends who've had a really rough ride when the second has come along - it's very normal. So I don't have loads of advice but I really hope things get better for you soon.

Things hat helped for me , reading to my eldest as I bf, spending one on one time with her alone when my partner came hime and I could hand the baby over , lots of positive praise whenever they did something good , going out to places where her behaviour made no difference like the park or beach.
it hard but the comment of he’s going to ruin our family and relationship is extreme. Are you sure you are in a good place and coping well with the change too? Maybe speak to someone . And at the weekend you do t red to palm him off you could have grandparents give you an hour or two break from the baby to do something with him ( he should be fine even if bf) and then have them spend a couple of hours with him .
involve him with the baby too . I got my eldest a baby dip and buggy she would push whilst I pushed mine when out and about.
I know it’s hard when sleep deprived to cope with all these changes he’s as upset as you . For what it’s worth the first 4 months with a new subsequent baby have been a nightmare for me and the family , slowly getting better until the baby turned one . It takes time to get into a new routine and get used to change .

I had DT when DC1 was not yet 2 years old. REALLY focus on your DC1. His whole world has changed and he needs your attention, stability and love. You are the adult here: you set the tone, you create the environment, you provide him with safety. Are you knackered and have needs too? Absolutely and with a 6 week old you are depleted. Sleep and rest as much as you can when DC1 is out / asleep, get DH to be main parent with the baby when he's there, and where possibly others to help with the baby. Consider this a really really hard short part that you need to get through. Dig in now, and it will be easier later. I know that isn't what you were hoping to hear but there is no magic wand. I remember a friend of mine who is a psychologist telling me the first five years of her kids lives kicked her butt, but she strongly felt that the work she did then paid her back from the age of 5 up.

Well something is distressing him, stop looking at the result of his behaviour and ask why instead?

That sounds really tough ☹️

I don't know what the answer is, but it's not as simple as a reaction to the new sibling as some previous posters have suggested. The toddler's behaviour changed 12 months ago and the baby was only born 6 weeks ago!

Also get your husband to give you a break in the evening to recharge and be able to face things less stressed. Assuming he working and you’re at home all day , he should be looking forward to seeing them where you will need a break from them !

I took the approach that the new baby had to fit in with our existing lives, not become the new main character of the family.
So play groups, afternoon at the park, whatever our toddler was doing before we still did. I also used to leave baby with dad for a couple of hours and take our toddler out, just the two of us.
He was also involved in absolutely everything baby related. Changing time, bath time, holding his little brother frequently. There is a 3 year age gap between them.
It sounds like simple things but it worked well and we didn't have problems with behaviour.

What on earth...? He's not even 3 and you're suggesting medicating him to sleep!?

He's a threenager. Sometimes the terrible twos hits at 3.

It could be because of the baby or it could just be developmentally where he is at.

What I do think is important is to stop this musical beds thing. He needs consistency even if he doesn't want consistency, and every time you swap and change it's showing him that your boundaries are moveable and challengeable which doesn't make them very good boundaries at all.