To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

MummaDelly · 2026-03-09T11:55:56+00:00

Ex and I have been separated 3 years, DD is just about to turn 7. Custody is 50:50. DD is overall a lovely child, always great school reports, great feedback from friends families and after school clubs etc. She likes rules and routines and tends to question things and wants to learn and understand. For me she is great, obviously has the odd issue but doesn’t really tantrum. Can usually talk it through and she listens to reason. I have a chore chart and behaviour chart for her which she loves. Recently my ex has reported DD has been naughty for him, will talk back or completley ignore him sometimes. I spoke to her about this and she didn’t really have an answer for why she behaved like that and denied some of his claims. I know how he parents and it is different to me, he changes his mind a lot and on one day a certain behaviour will be funny to him but the next he gets frustrated by it. He will have loads of patience and ask multiple times for her to tidy her room but get annoyed if she leaves her shoes beside the shoe rack. I offered to chat over the phone about how we can handle this together which he didn’t really seem keen on, I sent him photos of our chore charts etc and offered to print the same for him. I also said we could chat to DD together but again he didn’t really jump at this idea. I think he is a bit defensive of his parenting. This weekend he had her the whole time and called my on Sunday to say that he had missed his mums birthday thing because DD had refused to get dressed out of her PJs, so they had to stay at home because “I’m not going to wrestle her into clothes, she’s not a baby”… Next weekend I have plans with my friends, their children and my DD and exH said he had told DD she wasn’t going to go. I said to him that it’s not reasonable to punish her a week later and that I’ve already bought tickets etc and that I hadn’t experienced any of this bad behaviour. He also said that he is not going to renew her gymnastics club for after Easter if she doesn’t start behaving better but that seems really severe to me. I don’t know how to help or advise him. Maybe I do need to be stricter…? It’s hard because I don’t see this bad behaviour

Beachingtons · 09/03/2026 11:58

Totally unreasonable for him to impose sanctions on your time, but I appreciate he’s struggling to manage her and desperate.

What’s her side of the story as to why they missed the meal?

LadyTable · 09/03/2026 12:02

Hell would've frozen over before I allowed my 7 year old to make me miss my mum's birthday, she would've gone in her pyjamas if that was her attitude.

BUT obviously he can't set a punishment during your time with her because that's nothing to do with him.

Threatening to cancel the gymnastics is perfectly fair, as long as he sticks to it if her behaviour doesn't improve.

canklesmctacotits · 09/03/2026 12:03

You have to give your DD a consistent message, whatever that is. I agree that a week later isn’t the best punishment at this age, but you have all of this week.

Your DD might be testing how to exploit the differences in your households - in fact, at her age, it’s not exploitation so much as managing going back and forth and being unable to otherwise express that she doesn’t like doing it. So I don’t think this is so much about behaviour as much as it is about her feelings about having to live between two households and two sets of rules all her life. You consistently approach might have to do with talking to her more about how she feels with her arrangement. But you can’t do this alone, without her dad there, otherwise you’re just reinforcing that your house is where she’s heard and dad’s house is where she’s punished and that will magnify the issue rather than deal with it.

Beachingtons · 09/03/2026 12:04

You really need to get this sorted together now or she’s going to be an absolute nightmare once she realises she can do whatever she wants at Dad’s.

BudgetBuster · 09/03/2026 12:08

I am generally of the opinion that punishments shouldn't extend households unless perhaps to do with schooling or something external (for example if kid is acting up outside of the home)...

In this instance though I think its fair that both parents come up with joint repercussions (not your ex single-handedly deciding what happens during your time like he has now). But maybe something like no screentime for a week no matter which house or whatever ye agree.

Your daughter is 7. Refusing to get dressed is just bratty behaviour (assuming she has no underlying learning difficulties etc - which you haven't mentioned so I'll assume none). Why would she do this? Why does she think its OK? Ye need to get to the bottom of WHY she acts out at his versus yours

My stepson always acted out for his mother (at a younger age than your DD) but very very rarely acted out at our house for his Dad. The reason - his mother just gave in and let him. We didnt let him do the fun things, if he was being bold. We gave clear instructions of If you do X, we don't be going to Y and we stuck to that.

outerspacepotato · 09/03/2026 12:08

The two of you are going to have to come up with faster consequences he can impose during his custody time. It's controlling to expect you to do punishment a week ahead on your custody time and it's going to affect what you can do on your time.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/03/2026 12:09

canklesmctacotits · 09/03/2026 12:03

You have to give your DD a consistent message, whatever that is. I agree that a week later isn’t the best punishment at this age, but you have all of this week.

Your DD might be testing how to exploit the differences in your households - in fact, at her age, it’s not exploitation so much as managing going back and forth and being unable to otherwise express that she doesn’t like doing it. So I don’t think this is so much about behaviour as much as it is about her feelings about having to live between two households and two sets of rules all her life. You consistently approach might have to do with talking to her more about how she feels with her arrangement. But you can’t do this alone, without her dad there, otherwise you’re just reinforcing that your house is where she’s heard and dad’s house is where she’s punished and that will magnify the issue rather than deal with it.

💯

Original poster

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:09

Beachingtons · 09/03/2026 11:58

Totally unreasonable for him to impose sanctions on your time, but I appreciate he’s struggling to manage her and desperate.

What’s her side of the story as to why they missed the meal?

We didn’t have much time to talk about it last night and then she’s at school today so I’m going to ask her in more detail today. When I asked her why she didn’t put clothes on for Dad Her answer was a bit confusing because initially she said “my PJs were clean” (she never leaves the house in PJs with me so not sure why she thinks if they are clean that means so can wear them all day - or if that’s even what she meant). Then she said “I did get dressed” and then I asked her when you woke up in the morning did you change out of your PJs? And she insisted yes. So I’m not sure if maybe she got changed into other clothes that he considered PJs but aren’t what she slept in, which confused her.

So later I’m going to ask again ans try to understand better

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Lindy2 · 09/03/2026 12:10

I'd tell him straight that he does not set punishments for you to impose in your time. That's an absolute no and you will not be changing your plans.

Cancelling her gymnastics also seems very extreme. Again, does some of this club take part in your time?

It sounds like your DD and Ex are clashing. I'd be concerned about what is so different at his house to yours. You've offered support and advice but he's declined. Does he just order people about and then make threats?

You need to try and find out why DD wouldn't get dressed. Was she too tired ie not getting enough sleep there? Was there a reason she didn't want to see his family? How often does she see him?

Whyherewego · 09/03/2026 12:14

I think it's not on for him to give a sanction that is not in his control ie this day out with you and your friends. So that can't happen unless he had discuss and agreed in advance with you.

The gymnastics is a bit different. If he wants to either withdraw funding this or wants to discuss with you about taking away this privilege to address poor behaviour then that's a discussion that can happen but again it needs to be joint agreement

Original poster

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:17

outerspacepotato · 09/03/2026 12:08

The two of you are going to have to come up with faster consequences he can impose during his custody time. It's controlling to expect you to do punishment a week ahead on your custody time and it's going to affect what you can do on your time.

At my house we have a reward chart which works well. It has things like ‘I remembered my manners’, ‘I listened and followed directions’ ‘Was kind to others’. She gets a tick every day in each one if she has done them. I told dad that he can get one at this house too and we can inform each other on the days we each have her if she deserves the tick, so it’s consistent. I don’t punish her based off of these but if she doesn’t get the ticks she doesn’t get a reward (to pick a movie, to get a milkshake etc)

for consequences I pick that depending on the issue, so if she gets upset at turning off the tv then tv time is gone the next day. If she doesn’t tidy her toys away then I remove the toys until she proves she can keep things tidy.

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User567573 · 09/03/2026 12:19

He sounds like an unreasonable twat! To miss his own mum's birthday because he refuses to dress a 7 year old is ridiculous. It sounds like he was doing it all out of pure spite and wanted to escalate the situation on purpose so he can blame it on DD. A child has no way of accurately gauging the severity of missing an adult social event and he was deliberately goading her into it. It would have taken him 2 mins to just put some pants and a t-shirt on her and get her out the door. Lazing around or refusing to get out of PJs on the weekend sounds pretty typical of 7 year old girls...we just forcibly dress DD and shove her out the house, and never had any problems. As soon as she's out of the door she's perfectly fine and happy to whatever is planned.

ChestnutSquash · 09/03/2026 12:20

He could do parenting classes?

FlapperFlamingo · 09/03/2026 12:21

You're completely right to not carry forward punishments from her time at her Dad's place in my view. How he parents and what he does is up to him (within reason of course). I can see this developing into a real struggle for you if your DD and her Dad aren't getting on so I think I'd be clear with him "I can try to help you with parenting strategies, but I am not carrying forward punishment" would be my line. Probably he's a bit all over the place and she doesn't respond well (e.g. perhaps he kept her up very late, or she didn't sleep well so didn't want to get up).

Iloveagoodnap · 09/03/2026 12:22

Is she happy at her dad’s? Because if she isn’t and it’s showing in her behaviour then I wouldn’t want to bring punishments and you being cross into her happy home with you.

Original poster

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:23

Lindy2 · 09/03/2026 12:10

I'd tell him straight that he does not set punishments for you to impose in your time. That's an absolute no and you will not be changing your plans.

Cancelling her gymnastics also seems very extreme. Again, does some of this club take part in your time?

It sounds like your DD and Ex are clashing. I'd be concerned about what is so different at his house to yours. You've offered support and advice but he's declined. Does he just order people about and then make threats?

You need to try and find out why DD wouldn't get dressed. Was she too tired ie not getting enough sleep there? Was there a reason she didn't want to see his family? How often does she see him?

The gymnastics happens on a night he has her and he pays for it, so I guess it is up to him to withdraw it. But I feel like it’s extreme when overall she is a good child, I don’t feel like he’s spent the time to communicate with her and try to sort it out before just resorting to punishments.

Ex Is a decent guy and wasn’t abusive or anything but he’s not a good communicator. He can be defensive and doesn’t like to admit he’s wrong or apologise. I think DD behaviour badly for him but good for me is denting his pride because he thinks he’s a great dad (and don’t get me wrong, he’s a good dad, but she’s growing up and has her own mind now which he isn’t used to)

Im going to ask DD tonight in more detail. She loves his family and sees them often, his mum does childcare on a Thursday after school for a couple of hours before I get her after work (and never reports any behaviour issues)

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PullingOutHair123 · 09/03/2026 12:23

I think both Ex and DD are both struggling, and clashing as a result.

Its unfair though that he expects you to punish DD for stuff she (potentially) is doing at his. That is not on. And cancelling gymnastics will likely only backfire too. He is a few steps away from her not wanting to go to her Dads at all, and staying with you full time. He needs to listen to what you do (as seems successful) and imitate it at his house.

On the other hand, maybe the 50/50 approach is not working for her. I know it's considered splendid for the adults, but maybe she wants one stable home like (I assume) most of her friends have. Is this behaviour her way of saying as she is getting older, she doesn't want to keep splitting herself in 2?

Original poster

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:26

User567573 · 09/03/2026 12:19

He sounds like an unreasonable twat! To miss his own mum's birthday because he refuses to dress a 7 year old is ridiculous. It sounds like he was doing it all out of pure spite and wanted to escalate the situation on purpose so he can blame it on DD. A child has no way of accurately gauging the severity of missing an adult social event and he was deliberately goading her into it. It would have taken him 2 mins to just put some pants and a t-shirt on her and get her out the door. Lazing around or refusing to get out of PJs on the weekend sounds pretty typical of 7 year old girls...we just forcibly dress DD and shove her out the house, and never had any problems. As soon as she's out of the door she's perfectly fine and happy to whatever is planned.

I was also confused why he even needed to get her changed because they were going to his sisters house, he could have taken clothes in a bag to change into when she’d calmed down. I would have driven there, kept her seperate from the rest of the family and the fun until she got changed and then carried on the rest of the event. It doesn’t seeem worth the fight to me but when I questioned him he said they were going out to eat and just meeting at the sisters to share cars so she needed to get changed first 🤷🏻‍♀️

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outerspacepotato · 09/03/2026 12:28

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:17

At my house we have a reward chart which works well. It has things like ‘I remembered my manners’, ‘I listened and followed directions’ ‘Was kind to others’. She gets a tick every day in each one if she has done them. I told dad that he can get one at this house too and we can inform each other on the days we each have her if she deserves the tick, so it’s consistent. I don’t punish her based off of these but if she doesn’t get the ticks she doesn’t get a reward (to pick a movie, to get a milkshake etc)

for consequences I pick that depending on the issue, so if she gets upset at turning off the tv then tv time is gone the next day. If she doesn’t tidy her toys away then I remove the toys until she proves she can keep things tidy.

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That's a really nice system that seems to work with her. She responds to being able to choose to do something she likes and consequences involve the problem directly.

Does your ex have a more authoritarian parenting style? I can see why he's be upset at missing his mom's birthday meal, but if she did change from her pjs, what's going on? I would have taken her in what she was wearing personally, not missed an important meal.

BudgetBuster · 09/03/2026 12:31

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:26

I was also confused why he even needed to get her changed because they were going to his sisters house, he could have taken clothes in a bag to change into when she’d calmed down. I would have driven there, kept her seperate from the rest of the family and the fun until she got changed and then carried on the rest of the event. It doesn’t seeem worth the fight to me but when I questioned him he said they were going out to eat and just meeting at the sisters to share cars so she needed to get changed first 🤷🏻‍♀️

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He needed to get her changed because that's a normal thing people do before leaving the house. Questioning why she had to get dressed (a basic thing) isn't right here... the question is why was she refusing to get dressed?

Either she's pushing boundaries, or they are clashing.

RockyKeen · 09/03/2026 12:32

It’s perfectly reasonable not to carry a punishment forward in this situation. I do have friends whose children are over who will have their phone or internet taken away and both parents will stick to it or not allowed out for two weeks . But this is different and your child is younger .
your ex would like he needs parenting advice . Missing my mums birthday because my child disk t want to get dressed would not be an option . Children need boundaries.

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 09/03/2026 12:33

Haven't we all dealt with a stroppy 6 year old who doesn't want to get dressed? Pretty standard behaviour in my experience. There's obviously a problem with how he's dealing with it. I find this with my DH, he's far too soft until he suddenly isn't and he'll go from 0-100 in about 5 seconds which then just escalates the situation and makes things 10x worse. You've got to have patience but also be firm and consistent when dealing with 6 year olds and it really sounds like he's not dealing with it well.

Totally unreasonable for him to try and impose sanctions at your house.

Beachingtons · 09/03/2026 12:36

BudgetBuster · 09/03/2026 12:31

He needed to get her changed because that's a normal thing people do before leaving the house. Questioning why she had to get dressed (a basic thing) isn't right here... the question is why was she refusing to get dressed?

Either she's pushing boundaries, or they are clashing.

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Agree; letting her leave the house in pyjamas and taking clothes in a bag is a very weird suggestion OP. Have you allowed that before?

BeeCucumber · 09/03/2026 12:38

Your poor daughter - having to cope with two households, two sets of rules. It must be exhausting for a 7 year old.

Original poster

MummaDelly · 09/03/2026 12:41

Beachingtons · 09/03/2026 12:36

Agree; letting her leave the house in pyjamas and taking clothes in a bag is a very weird suggestion OP. Have you allowed that before?

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No I haven’t allowed that before because she’s never refused to get dressed for me. Im
not saying he’s wrong for not going, but this was an important event for him that he’s really annoyed about missing. If I was in that situation I would have taken her in ger pjs and made her sit in another room or at the table just twiddling her thumbs not allowed to play with her cousins until she got dressed. That way I’m not missing out on the event too. And then afterwards I would have firm words and not give her ticks on her reward chart. But i don’t think it would escalate to that with me anyway

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