To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

[MummaDelly]

Ex and I have been separated 3 years, DD is just about to turn 7. Custody is 50:50.

DD is overall a lovely child, always great school reports, great feedback from friends families and after school clubs etc. She likes rules and routines and tends to question things and wants to learn and understand.

For me she is great, obviously has the odd issue but doesn’t really tantrum. Can usually talk it through and she listens to reason. I have a chore chart and behaviour chart for her which she loves.

Recently my ex has reported DD has been naughty for him, will talk back or completley
ignore him sometimes. I spoke to her about this and she didn’t really have an answer for why she behaved like that and denied some of his claims. I know how he parents and it is different to me, he changes his mind a lot and on one day a certain behaviour will be funny to him but the next he gets frustrated by it. He will have loads of patience and ask multiple times for her to tidy her room but get annoyed if she leaves her shoes beside the shoe rack.

I offered to chat over the phone about how we can handle this together which he didn’t really seem keen on, I sent him photos of our chore charts etc and offered to print the same for him. I also said we could chat to DD together but again he didn’t really jump at this idea. I think he is a bit defensive of his parenting.

This weekend he had her the whole time and called my on Sunday to say that he had missed his mums birthday thing because DD had refused to get dressed out of her PJs, so they had to stay at home because “I’m not going to wrestle her into clothes, she’s not a baby”…

Next weekend I have plans with my friends, their children and my DD and exH said he had told DD she wasn’t going to go. I said to him that it’s not reasonable to punish her a week later and that I’ve already bought tickets etc and that I hadn’t experienced any of this bad behaviour. He also said that he is not going to renew her gymnastics club for after Easter if she doesn’t start behaving better but that seems really severe to me.

I don’t know how to help or advise him. Maybe I do need to be stricter…? It’s hard because I don’t see this bad behaviour

as an update I have spoken to DD a bit this evening about what happened at the weekend and I’m even more sure there’s been miscommunication now.

She did get changed out of the PJs she wore to bed, she had a shower too and then got changed into what she considers “clothes”,
the top she described is a tshirt but is what she wears as PJs. I’m not sure what bottoms she actually means because they’re not what I picked her up in so she must have got changed again at some point on Sunday. She said black ones but I don’t think she has black trousers that aren’t her school trousers. Anyway I think the problem was dad wanted her to wear something ‘ nicer’ and considered what she had on as PJs, she liked what she was wearing and didn’t understand the concept of wearing something ‘nicer’. The only thing he has that’s properly fancy for her to wear is a red Christmas dress which she didn’t want to wear and therefore it became a problem.

I think it’s a combination of her being defiant and dad not communicating or listening well so it escalates. But I wasn’t there 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m going to chat to grandma in the week and see if she can help a bit to communicate with dad and ask DD to say sorry to her grandma for them not coming to the meal as a way to acknowledge her behaviour was wrong.
I’ll suggest the behaviour chart to be in both houses again in a few days once the dust has settled. But I’m not carrying the punishment over to my weekend.

Thanks for all the advise and comments ❤️

I’m not build for coparenting, if he cancelled the gymnastics on his days I’d start them back up on mine!

I think you sound like a lovely parent and he needs to read some books or take a class.

Ah, she didn't wear what he wanted her to wear.

He's sounding a bit controlling, what with wanting you to punish her on your time and getting mad about miscommunication and not wearing the dress he wanted her to. Is he not good at picking his battles as well as communication?

I think sharing the chart is an excellent idea and good for standing your ground about punishments on your time.

Two parents unable to communicate and one parent delighting in she never sees the behaviour and won’t impose consequences for bad behaviour because it’s not on her time. I feel sorry for your child - she’s acting out and you’re pandering to her. We can all negotiate with our child but sometimes they just need to do as they are told. She’ll continue to play you off against each other when she gets older. You think that by playing good cop, you’re getting one up on your ex. Unfortunately, those children tend to be the most unhappy, especially in their teenage years.

I'm sorry, but for me, asking her to apologise to her Grandma would be asking her to apologise for her dad's behaviour and that is not a precedent you want to set. Stand your ground, it's his responsibility to handle situations that happen on his parenting time, do not get involved. Honestly, I tell my ex all the time that he is the adult in these situations and it's his responsibility to manage his own emotions and de-escalate the situation. She is a 6 year old child, he should know better. It's time to force him to grow up and take responsibility. Do not allow his poor parenting to encroach on your relationship with your DD. Talk to his mum yourself if you think it might help, but other than that you tell him he has to deal with it. End of.

This is complete BS.

Please do not drag grandma into this.
She doesn't need to help you communicate with your ex... that's just going to get his back up and tbh you just need to let him parent on his time, you parent on yours.

He's the one who missed out on his mothers birthday. It has nothing to do with you.

Agree you shouldn't punish your daughter in your time for what sounds like your DH and your daughter at loggerheads. He's a grownup parent... he needs to deal with it.

I think your parenting style is great. Firm and fair boundaries, related to problem itself. Considering and listening to her point of view and giving her a voice to express when things make her sad.
Let's be realistic, most things that upset 6 year olds wouldn't upset a grown up but that doesn't mean the way they feel still isn't very real! And exploring that with her will be helping her learn to manage and regulate her emotions into adulthood.

I think your ex's parenting style isn't working for DD and I wouldn't advocate for extending punishments into your time without asking, especially when you have stuff pre planned.

I agree. I think she behaves with mum because of consistent boundaries, and her feelings as an individual human being considered rather than "do this cause I told you to". Sometimes kids do have to do what they're told, it doesn't seem like the OP struggles with this in her own house so I don't see how the father struggling is her fault when she's not even there

honestly I would have only had a word with grandma. Keep talking to your daughter about it is pitting them against each other. He just looks like the bad guy. Which doesn’t help her if she spends 50% of her time with him. I know that’s not your intention. But you are over validating her behaviour. Going for a meal with a Tshirt she sometimes sleeps in means she wasn’t dressed the best. She was being difficult and whilst he is the adult, who should have demanded she change after explaining to her it’s about showing respect for the place you’re visiting and the person you’re celebrating. There are 2 incidents where I would have been disappointed if my kids have behaved like she did, which they have done. She’s a typical 6 yo. I would have been unhappy with the lack of respect towards her nan and the lack of respect towards her friend. But making excuses like you are & over demonising like he is isn’t the way, you both need to realise she’s 6, she’s not as emotionally mature as you make out. I think she’s very sensitive & you have interpreted this as having sensitivity for others. Thats just not how 6 yo are & he thinks her behaviour is more malicious than it is.

I agree. I’ve never heard of any one cancelling their kids class like that. So mean and what else will she do at home instead?! Stuff like gym is great for kids! Keeps them active and off screens

What a load of fuss over an outfit. Poor kid. There’s no reason why she couldn’t have gone how she was

This doesn’t make sense to me. Are you sure your ex actually wanted to go and isn’t just using your dd as an excuse? I just can’t comprehend missing my mum’s birthday because my kid was wearing the “wrong” clothes. If wearing a t shirt is disrespectful then surely just not turning up at all is significantly more rude??

I wouldn’t be asking her to apologise to granny either, it’s not ultimately her responsibility that they didn’t go, that was her dad’s decision, surely he should be the one apologising to his mum.

No. He screwed up, and he’s punishing her for it. Thats a parenting failure not a parenting style.

there is no way I would accept gymnastics being cancelled. I’d say to him you get very defensive so this won’t go down well but I cannot not say it and I am going to be much more blunt than you’d like - you need to think about your relationship with your daughter. Cancelling gymnastics is a terrible plan, it’s a great activity and she really benefits from it. If you do I will book her in on my day, your parenting failures is not a reason to punish her like this. You forgot the present, but you didn’t apologise to her. You should have taken her to your mums in what she was wearing with a change of clothes if you couldn’t persuade her.

I completely disagree. Completely.

Tbh it sounds like she's playing up alot at Dads (probably due to his parenting style). Forgetting a present isn't a failure... you're being dramatic ffs.

Do not allow his poor parenting to encroach on your relationship with your DD.
This is the point I was trying to make upthread.
Something goes amiss at dad's and she is given hell for it, then she comes home and gets the third degree from mum ... a double whammyfor what sounds like a bit of nonsense.
And now she is being asked to apologise to her gran because her dad threw a wobbler over something minor and overreacted.
Let's be clear here, her "crime" was not to want to wear exactly what her dad wanted her to.
Please sit down privately with her dad and try to thrash out some behaviour/discipline/sanctions ground rules. You must both be prepared to compromise during this discussion.
She is more likely to act up, and more importantly be unhappy, if the ground rules are blurred.

I'd argue that forgetting the present is a failure, a small one which he could easily have taken responsibility for and reassured his daughter, instead of being an arse and making her feel worse about it. He's the one being a dramatic, OP said in one of her follow-up posts that he 'doesn't like to admit when he's wrong or apologise'. He doesn't have a parenting style, he's just a lazy selfish manchild. Stop making excuses for him, you're coming across as defensive.

Wow, you're getting such a hard time OP!!

For what it's worth, you're doing an excellent job in my eyes. She's still a little kid, and sometimes they can be headstrong. Your ex sounds like mine, in that he's either happy and joking or yelling and angry. Your ex could have given her several outfits to choose from, or even just dropped it. DD was dressed and comfortable.

I really don't think you should carry petty punishments over into your time.

www.pocketmoneycards.com might help with that. It's not a chore chart but a card game - you choose the chore cards for the things that need to be done that week, the child chooses say 5 cards face down and pocket money or some other reward is contingent on those things being done. It makes the child think they have agency in what they're doing, and it gives a transparent effort-reward structure that kids can understand.

Calling something a failure is dramatising it... it was a mistake, human error.
Kids need to learn that very simple mistakes happen all the time in life.

The OP wasn't there... and obviously doesn't agree with his parenting style so is going to bad mouth him because it's different to her pandering nature.

Im not defending him... I've actually already said a few times that the OP should let him deal with the consequences of his parenting as her style seems to be working for her.

I don’t understand why you’re treating her like a baby. She is SEVEN. Why couldn’t you get a straight answer from a simple question. What clothes did you wear? It’s not a rocket science kind of question. Seems like she plays up a lot at his house.
i don’t blame him for wanting to cancel the classes, and i think he should. Bad behaviour should never be rewarded.
Your weird suggestion of taking a bag of clothes for a 7 year old to faff around with tells me you are very lenient and she’s used to getting her way with you.

And yet again you’re making excuses for her which confirms why she acts up with him.A pajama top isn’t suitable clothing for a special occasion.
if this was me, I would have asked her why she has no problem wearing uniform to school? She respects rules there but doesn’t respect that turning up in pajama clothes is rude to the occasion. Very easy to point out. Sounds like you’re talking about a 2yo here and no wonder she behaves like this.

100 per cent agree.

He has to learn to manage his own behaviour and not blame everything on a six year old child.

How about he keeps suitable clothes at his house for her too, instead of getting her to wear a Christmas dress? My nieces would also have balked at that, at their age. She felt self conscious and wasn't allowed to communicate it, so the problem never got managed or solved.
It sounds like lack of communication and lack of planning on his part. Why not say to you.. We are going to an event on Sunday can she bring something suitable?
Or Why not go shopping with her and buy some clothes to keep at his house? She's growing all the time so its not spoiling, as there should be a need for it soon.

He needs to make more effort next time, before he kicks off.

There is a problem when a 7 year refuses to dress and cause someone to miss plans. Allowing her to leave in pj's isn't the answer after the child has refused to change. That's just giving in to bratty behaviour.

She is pushing boundaries and is working out what she can get away with around each parent.

If you're not on the same page, the behaviour will get worse. Your ex can't control what you do on your time but cancelling gymnastics club is fair if the behaviour isn't improving.

Firstly she’s SIX, I said nearly 7.

I didn’t get a straight answer because I didn’t grill her. I tried to make it a lighthearted chat to understand better, not to make her feel like I’m angry with her too when the event happened 2 days ago and her dad already expressed his disappointment with her.

Thank you for your advice and reply but I don’t think our parenting strategies or opinions align at all.