To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

[MummaDelly]

Ex and I have been separated 3 years, DD is just about to turn 7. Custody is 50:50.

DD is overall a lovely child, always great school reports, great feedback from friends families and after school clubs etc. She likes rules and routines and tends to question things and wants to learn and understand.

For me she is great, obviously has the odd issue but doesn’t really tantrum. Can usually talk it through and she listens to reason. I have a chore chart and behaviour chart for her which she loves.

Recently my ex has reported DD has been naughty for him, will talk back or completley
ignore him sometimes. I spoke to her about this and she didn’t really have an answer for why she behaved like that and denied some of his claims. I know how he parents and it is different to me, he changes his mind a lot and on one day a certain behaviour will be funny to him but the next he gets frustrated by it. He will have loads of patience and ask multiple times for her to tidy her room but get annoyed if she leaves her shoes beside the shoe rack.

I offered to chat over the phone about how we can handle this together which he didn’t really seem keen on, I sent him photos of our chore charts etc and offered to print the same for him. I also said we could chat to DD together but again he didn’t really jump at this idea. I think he is a bit defensive of his parenting.

This weekend he had her the whole time and called my on Sunday to say that he had missed his mums birthday thing because DD had refused to get dressed out of her PJs, so they had to stay at home because “I’m not going to wrestle her into clothes, she’s not a baby”…

Next weekend I have plans with my friends, their children and my DD and exH said he had told DD she wasn’t going to go. I said to him that it’s not reasonable to punish her a week later and that I’ve already bought tickets etc and that I hadn’t experienced any of this bad behaviour. He also said that he is not going to renew her gymnastics club for after Easter if she doesn’t start behaving better but that seems really severe to me.

I don’t know how to help or advise him. Maybe I do need to be stricter…? It’s hard because I don’t see this bad behaviour

Is there a reason he is resistant to the reward charts?
It’s fine for him to stick to his own style of parenting but not to then impose punishments on your time with her. Quite short sighted of him to cancel gymnastics as well.

I agree with you about your plans not being affected but he has a point on this. That would cheese me off. She was upset over a present but most kids would get over it within minutes. The fact she did this for the duration of the party suggests she’s being a little bit spoilt. She’s too young to know her actions make others feel, her sulking could have bought the atmosphere down and it’s important they learn that as & when they do it. Making excuses isn’t really going to help her regulate her feelings to suit, cause all you’re teaching her by doing that is an expectation that everyone should consider and understand her feelings regardless of the circumstances. I would not have been happy to get this feed back and if she was to return to me after that party and the dad didn’t have time to sort out consequences I surely would .

Yes interested in what you’d have done. I probably would have been quite annoyed at that!

I’d either have said “don’t worry I will
speak to Mina’s mummy and explain, she’ll tell Mina and it won’t be a problem.” I think my kids would have accepted it.

If she was being rude or really moody I probably would have suggested we go back for the present if it was close by but made it clear that she would miss the first half hour and that she had to cheer up and not be rude otherwise the best thing might be to give the whole thing a miss.

But I suspect most of this is in the delivery- I have met many dads whose reaction is to escalate rather than diffuse with boundaries and it’s a difficult skill to learn.

I disagree with the idea that a parent tells a child what to do/wear/say/how to behave and they must instantly do it without question, otherwise they are bad children. Maybe they are sometimes, but kids are people with their own opinions too. Most kids go through stages when they absolutely refuse to wear trousers/dresses/pink things/tracksuits (my kids went through all of those) and if your child only likes wearing tracksuits but you insist on frilly dresses like they're in Little House on the Prairie, then you're creating a rod for your own back and IMHO that's on you. A lot of parenting IS negotiating, and if you're completely didactic and inflexible, you're going to end up either with a meek and mild child, or one that pushes back and you're endlessly punishing. 'Picking your battles' is about 50% of parenting.

Which is a long way of saying that I disagree with some of the posts saying the OP's child has been naughty and deserves punishing. a) she wasn't there so doesn't know and b) it does sound like her ex is inconsistent and didactic. That's the trouble with co-parenting in separate houses - it's hard to back the other up completely when you don't really know what's happened.

That doesn’t mean some children might not be really stressed about this. Have literally never seen a present given at school so I can see why she’d not be ok at that age, my eldest might have refused to go in too. This is 100% on the parent and he needs to own that .

I would have spent time in the car letting her calm down and then found a way to compromise. I wouldn’t have bought another present but I would have gone to the parents/child and apologised for me forgetting, explained DD was sad about not having a present to give and we’d give it on Monday. Spent the time understanding why it’s such a big deal to her and explaining at her level how we would resolve it

Maybe he could have taken a screenshot of the present on the Argos website and let her show that to the friend or something. Rather than dragging her into the party crying and telling her she is silly for being upset about this.

Or she could just be really sensitive. Being upset at her friend (not herself) not getting a present doesn't say 'spoiled brat' to me.

He sounds like a dick. Surely they don’t live so far away that he couldn’t possibly have gone back for it?

I agree. He forgot it and instead of apologising or trying to fix the situation, he wants to punish his daughter for being upset by HIS mistake. I really dislike that kind of attitude. He needs to take responsibility for upsetting his daughter but blames her for being upset instead. It's such classic toxic male behaviour!

Yeah i think your parenting styles are VERY different. Yours seems to be a bit frilly, and his seems to be more authoritarian.

And that's possibly the issue... they are EXTREMELY different so she's going to be very disregulated.

This level of compromise and reassuring would not be necessary for the vast majority of children.

I think you and your ex are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. I don’t think either of you are bad parents, but ultimately you could read the situation as him being too authoritative and inconsistent, and you spoiling her and being over-indulgent.

The result is your kid is unhappy because she has inconsistent rules. You need to meet him in the middle.

You ignored my earlier question about whether she has issues with authority and talking back at school…

No she doesn’t “talk back” and has never been in trouble at school, I’ve never heard a bad word about her from any adults and she does great with her peers. She understand and respects everyone has feeling and opinions and is conscious of those, will ask if people are okay, suggest games that everyone can join etc

I disagree that i negotiate with her, I am willing to compromise (not on everything) because she is entitled to have an opinion and I don’t want her to be a robot. If she doesn’t want to wear certain clothes then we will compromise with another option but I’ll ask her why she doesn’t want those and she can communicate with me “the label is itchy” “the trousers feel too small” etc.

you think dragging the party kid away from having fun to appease your daughter is reasonable and fair on that child. To comfort your child so she would feel better and potentially wreck the surprise of what’s in the present (which by all accounts the most exciting thing) you’re putting to much emphasis on her feelings above what’s reasonable, things aren’t going to go her way, your daughter is only 6. I agree she can’t help feeling and acting out. Thats why we teach them at this age to behave appropriately. I probably would have asked another parent to watch her whilst I ran back and got the present, but my gosh she’d have had some consequences to teach her to not try ruin someone else’s day. I think there’s an over pandering from you and a lack of patience from the dad. He needs to chill out abit and you need to firm up a little.

I think that missing an event a week later is too extreme a punishment and impinges too much on your parenting time.

If she'd done something serious, like been suspended from school, fighting, stealing etc., then I would think it was good co-parenting to agree on a punishment and enforce it at both houses but not for this, which is just a typical stroppy 6 yo pushing boundaries. I agree that he should have just taken her in pyjamas and made her sit on her own until she got dressed.

I would have a talk to her about that not being acceptable though.

The gymnastics is his choice, seems a bit of a weird and disconnected punishment to me.

I think that’s extreme. He already said we’ll give the present at school. He had a problem with the sulking the whole time she was at the party, which isn’t ok

I disagree with your take on what I’ve said. I don’t spoil her and actually would say I’m quite strict. Not many children I know her age have the same chore expectations, limits on screen time etc. But I am consistent, which I would say her dad is not as much.

And I hadn’t ignored your question, there’s a lot of people to answer and I was typing as you sent your second message. You can see I have now replied in more detail but no my daughter does not have a problem with authority and has only ever been complimented by her teachers

She's 6 years old. Regulating your emotions just because an adult tells you to isn't really a thing at that age.

He messed up and handled it really badly.

Exactly 💯
Im sure he mentioned to the parents that he forgot the gift and would bring it to school.

Being sad is fine, sulking and therefore potentially bringing down the mood of an entire party isn't OK. The "compromise" I'd be giving here is Cheer up and enjoy the party or go home.

I agree. I think she needed a bit of help and understanding to deal with her feelings. "Tell me how you feel." "That I'm mean/rude/a bad friend etc" and then to talk to her and acknowledge those feelings but you need to work through that so you can enjoy the party now. Then go and talk to the friend and explain what happened so that you/she don't have to feel those things are true.

He’s parenting badly and dragging you into it. If he’s not willing to listen to your advice you should stop bringing willing to hear his complaints.

I think that you are all finding your way, and when DD is with you you have your way and it works well. When she is at her father's he has a different approach and it's not working. So i think you need to be clear that you are not punishing your DD for things she has done when away from you.

For the gymnastics? fine, that is up to him (on his time, he arranges it so nothing you can do anything). Your DD will learn how to cope with both parents, and if he is making her time at his miserable she will soon let you both know and you can revisit how you do contact?

But you can’t do this alone, without her dad there, otherwise you’re just reinforcing that your house is where she’s heard and dad’s house is where she’s punished and that will magnify the issue rather than deal with it.

Surely it's better to be heard at one house not none? Although I agree there's some work to do around cooperation between the parents. It's hard if he'll just see it as criticism.

The ex could well have framed it as 'sulking' rather than her being upset because she hadn't got a present for her friend. At 6 years old, I've have been mortified at turning up to a birthday party empty-handed (I'm still like that at 50 tbh). Him telling her not to be 'silly' when it was him who forgot the present would also have really upset me. I dislike unfairness and people who are unable to take accountability for their own actions.

Firstly the parents and party girl are good friend of ours and would have completely understood. They apparently asked why she was upset (because I spoke directly to mum since) and she said exH said she was just being moody and to leave her there. DD is very sensitive to other peoples feelings and she was worried the friend wouldn’t be happy because she didn’t give her a present. It doesn’t come from a place of trying to ruin someone’s day or being a brat and I think could have been mostly avoided if exH had taken some time to explain and reassure her

You have no idea how he handled it, you werent there, you dont know what exact words he used or the tone of voice. Neither does OP

What a ridiculous thing to say.