To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

[MummaDelly]

Ex and I have been separated 3 years, DD is just about to turn 7. Custody is 50:50.

DD is overall a lovely child, always great school reports, great feedback from friends families and after school clubs etc. She likes rules and routines and tends to question things and wants to learn and understand.

For me she is great, obviously has the odd issue but doesn’t really tantrum. Can usually talk it through and she listens to reason. I have a chore chart and behaviour chart for her which she loves.

Recently my ex has reported DD has been naughty for him, will talk back or completley
ignore him sometimes. I spoke to her about this and she didn’t really have an answer for why she behaved like that and denied some of his claims. I know how he parents and it is different to me, he changes his mind a lot and on one day a certain behaviour will be funny to him but the next he gets frustrated by it. He will have loads of patience and ask multiple times for her to tidy her room but get annoyed if she leaves her shoes beside the shoe rack.

I offered to chat over the phone about how we can handle this together which he didn’t really seem keen on, I sent him photos of our chore charts etc and offered to print the same for him. I also said we could chat to DD together but again he didn’t really jump at this idea. I think he is a bit defensive of his parenting.

This weekend he had her the whole time and called my on Sunday to say that he had missed his mums birthday thing because DD had refused to get dressed out of her PJs, so they had to stay at home because “I’m not going to wrestle her into clothes, she’s not a baby”…

Next weekend I have plans with my friends, their children and my DD and exH said he had told DD she wasn’t going to go. I said to him that it’s not reasonable to punish her a week later and that I’ve already bought tickets etc and that I hadn’t experienced any of this bad behaviour. He also said that he is not going to renew her gymnastics club for after Easter if she doesn’t start behaving better but that seems really severe to me.

I don’t know how to help or advise him. Maybe I do need to be stricter…? It’s hard because I don’t see this bad behaviour

I did stand united with him, I spoke to her yesterday evening and asked what had happened. I said things like ‘you were excited for a nice weekend with daddy and to see x cousin. But daddy said you weren’t behaved enough to go which is disappointing”. “I don’t like to hear that you’ve been raising your voice” etc. What else can I do when I’m not there?

I have the behaviour chart at my house and before it was only for the days I have her, I can extend that to every day but I can’t be the only one with the chart and therefore giving her the punishment a few days after the problem.

Im happy to be on the same page as dad, but he needs to be open to those discussions for that to happen and so far I’m the only one that’s trying

My daughter’s father moans that daughter doesn’t always behave as she should. I’ve tried to help but he then backtracks and says he doesn’t mind. So I leave it now.

Just have a word with her, tell him you’ve done it and see how it goes.

Give her a consequence at your house perhaps if she misbehaves at his?
Talking to her clearly didn't work, its hardly a consequence is it?!

And what consequence do you suggest I give her at my house?

She’d already had a day of consequences from her dad and it’s not like I gave her a song and dance when she got to mine. It was pretty much straight to bed and school today, I’ve barely seen her.

When she misbehaves for me I give her the appreciate consequence myself then and there, I don’t rely on dad to do another punishment himself too.

Personally I don't agree with your style of parenting.... but it clearly works for you. To caveat I don't agree with your exes either... I prefer a blend of the 2 BUT I acknowledge that's very difficult in the case of blended families.

From experience, my stepson was an absolute terror for his mother (especially in the evenings) but he wasnt like that at his dad's house (or our house thereafter when we lived together). The 2 parenting styles were completely different.

In the end, what has worked for us is the concept that different houses have different rules. My husband used to try to help his ex handle SS on her days and talk to him on the phone or have a chat when he got back to ours about his behaviour... but it became exhausting. They are now seperated 12yrs and the "different rules" approach works to the best extent possible.

By different rules we mean that Mum does things X way and Dad does them Y way and each parent / adult in the house (for example grandparents or caregivers) set the rules, expectations and consequences. The only thing they really ever discuss is school or medical related or perhaps phone use (but again we have VERY different rules around this).

He cannot expect you to change your plans, just like you cannot control her behaviour at his house and vice versa.

His punishment can’t happen on your time and vice versia

why he didn’t just to the party and take clothes with him / sure she would have changed there

equally you are saying she said she did change and wasn’t in pjs ? So maybe find out what clothes she was in

you have different types of parenting which is hard.

agree having a reward chart shouldn’t be needed if there are no issues

I point blank refused to carry punishment over from their Dad's house. I would reiterate that they had to follow the rules at his, the same as they did at mine. But if he felt the need to punish them then that's for him to do in his time. In the same way I didnt expect him to punishment them for things they did at my house.

Some of the replies on here are insane! OP you sound like a fabulous mummy and I'd be willing to bet your relationship with your lovely little girl will flourish and be a lifelong joy to you both. Her dad, on the other hand, sounds like a bit of a dick. But at least she has one fantastic parent, which is more than some kids have.

Agree that any punishment needs to happen in his time. Also doing a punishment a week later for a young child is ineffective as they will not link the punishment to the behaviour.
I do think it's fine though if she does play up for him and he says he will stop gymnastics for him to carry out that threat.
You say that shouldn't happen as she is a well behaved child, but maybe she is difficult for him or pushes him. You sound like you spend a lot of time negotiating with her (based on the examples you gave over how you would have dealt with the situations) and maybe he thinks this is unnecessary, you also have reward charts which to me suggest she is not a complete angel.

I also would be annoyed if she moped around at a friend's party and would have probably taken her home..do you know he definitely didn't say anything to the host about dropping the gift off another time?

Nope. He has no control over your time with her, enjoy your time out with her.

It’s his own fault he missed his mum’s birthday, he should come up with better coping strategies like getting her dressed himself or taking her in her pyjamas. If we didn’t want to do either of these, that’s on him not you.

All of these commenters saying you need to carry out punishments on behalf of your ex are being ridiculous. You do NOT need to help him parent, coparenting has limits. You dont agree on parenting styles and that's okay, she'll get used to different expectations in each house and it's much more stable for her to know you'll stick to your parenting and he'll stick to his. Working together only goes so far, he doesn't get to tell you what to do.

Maybe it’s worked for a while while she was small and malleable, but now her dad can’t be arsed with the next stage of parenting.

engaging with them as individuals and guiding them through life is very different to the basics of nappies/meals/basic play that young kids need. Often men just simply can’t be arsed and/ or they are too controlling and selfish to listen to the child

This. All behaviour is communication and all that ... she is clearly not happy with something if she is normally happy and settled I would want to know more about what is wrong. And conflating this with gymnastics and outings just isnt ok.

I disagree with this, surely a consequence should be given at the time in a related way which it sounds like it was. Why should it be dragged out back at mum’s house? If something happens at home when I’m in another room, I’d expect my DH to deal with it. I wouldn’t then enter the room and also punish them for something I didn’t even see. Why is this any different?

Agree with PP.

Different place, Different rules. It applies to school/grandparents/friends too.

They soon learn which boundaries/expectations apply in each place.

You arent together anymore. You won't always be able to agree. Carrying over his punishments is ludicrous. There could be exceptions to this for eg 'no tik tok' if you reach an agreement.

You're too involved with him. Its not going to work.

I'd strongly disagree with having consequences that cross houses. His house his rules, your house your rules. Yes ideally it would all align and you'd parent the same but realistically there's always differences. One person's tidy is another person's messy. You may care that she makes her bed, he may not.

So youve told him you have a chart. It's up to him to find his thing, can be a chart but doesn't have to be. What he cant do is punish your time with her. Especially at this age for minor issues.
So you need to say, "I am really sorry to hear DD is not behaving at yours. Ive found the chart really effective for me, you may like to try it. But I can't have you making unilateral punishments that affect my time with her unless we've discussed and agreed it first. So I will be taking her to see my friends as this is not an arrangement that can be easily undone. Likewise if you want to stop gymnastics then that's your decision as it's in your time. I think it's a shame but I am not going to stop you"

If ex wants to stop having child for as much as 50% then he should say so, why should you be organising your time with child around the things that arise during ex’s times?

You can’t make him pay for her sports if he doesn’t want to.

you do seem to negotiate and discuss with a very young child more than I would babe and I had kids with various mixes of PDA/ADHD/ASD.

I wouldn’t punish across houses for a one and done incident though. I would for something serious but that would be, for eg, sustained bullying.

i agree as well that I wouldn’t do a reward chart either.

I don't agree that OP is soft, she is consistant and has offered the ex suggestions as to how he can be more consistant, he isn't interested in trying to change his approach. he on the other hand is very inconsstant, laughs at something one day, gets angry about it the next, no wonder the child has no respect for him, he over punishes, parents who hand out inappropriately harsh punishments are generally very weak in parenting skills. You earn you childs respect with good communication. clear expectations and boundaries and calm reasonable consequences for overstepping the boundaries. Not angry out of proportion responses.

As for the 'missing the birthday because she wouldn;t get dressed' no one is that feeble, if he'd wanted to go he'd have taken her in her PJs. My guess, he wasn't all that keen and she was a handy excuse. You don't miss something you really want to go to because a 7 year old is faffing around.
If he doesn;t get his act together she won't want to visit him any more, which ould be an awful shame because this is very fixable.

Sounds like he is punishing you for his lack of parenting skills.

I cannot imagine why a 7 year old going somewhere in pj's is an issue. It would have been an immediate consequence that she either gets changed there or runs around happily in pj's. Maybe I am biased, as my similar age autistic child has worn nothing but pj's for 3 years, but the world has never come to an end because of it. Same with being quiet at a party, just let her get on with it.

People criticising your parenting as being too soft are obviously missing the part where it works. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and a peaceful home which, if I was her Dad I'd be trying my hardest to replicate!

If reward charts and discussing feelings work for your child then that's a win in my book. Surely no one wants to have to be strict with their child if they don't have to.

Have read all OP's posts. It's unfair for ex to expect you to extend punishments from his household to your household, while he's unwilling to extend the behavioral management tools (chore chart etc) that work for dd at your house to his.

I agree. As far as I'm aware, consistency, communication and positive reinforcement were generally considered to be standard concepts for good parenting and the number of people who find talking to a child about things which affect them to be an alien concept is sad and alarming.

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think I’m a perfect parent and she’s not a perfect child but we have a peaceful, respectful house and a great relationship. People that say I negotiate with her make me laugh a bit, she’s not a t*errorist! We want to raise children that can compromise, think of others, speak up for themselves etc and in my opinion thats develops in a home where the same courtesy is given to them