Page 9 | To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

MummaDelly · 2026-03-09T11:55:56+00:00

Ex and I have been separated 3 years, DD is just about to turn 7. Custody is 50:50. DD is overall a lovely child, always great school reports, great feedback from friends families and after school clubs etc. She likes rules and routines and tends to question things and wants to learn and understand. For me she is great, obviously has the odd issue but doesn’t really tantrum. Can usually talk it through and she listens to reason. I have a chore chart and behaviour chart for her which she loves. Recently my ex has reported DD has been naughty for him, will talk back or completley ignore him sometimes. I spoke to her about this and she didn’t really have an answer for why she behaved like that and denied some of his claims. I know how he parents and it is different to me, he changes his mind a lot and on one day a certain behaviour will be funny to him but the next he gets frustrated by it. He will have loads of patience and ask multiple times for her to tidy her room but get annoyed if she leaves her shoes beside the shoe rack. I offered to chat over the phone about how we can handle this together which he didn’t really seem keen on, I sent him photos of our chore charts etc and offered to print the same for him. I also said we could chat to DD together but again he didn’t really jump at this idea. I think he is a bit defensive of his parenting. This weekend he had her the whole time and called my on Sunday to say that he had missed his mums birthday thing because DD had refused to get dressed out of her PJs, so they had to stay at home because “I’m not going to wrestle her into clothes, she’s not a baby”… Next weekend I have plans with my friends, their children and my DD and exH said he had told DD she wasn’t going to go. I said to him that it’s not reasonable to punish her a week later and that I’ve already bought tickets etc and that I hadn’t experienced any of this bad behaviour. He also said that he is not going to renew her gymnastics club for after Easter if she doesn’t start behaving better but that seems really severe to me. I don’t know how to help or advise him. Maybe I do need to be stricter…? It’s hard because I don’t see this bad behaviour

Original poster

MummaDelly · 10/03/2026 16:08

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/03/2026 13:10

100 per cent agree.

He has to learn to manage his own behaviour and not blame everything on a six year old child.

How about he keeps suitable clothes at his house for her too, instead of getting her to wear a Christmas dress? My nieces would also have balked at that, at their age. She felt self conscious and wasn't allowed to communicate it, so the problem never got managed or solved.
It sounds like lack of communication and lack of planning on his part. Why not say to you.. We are going to an event on Sunday can she bring something suitable?
Or Why not go shopping with her and buy some clothes to keep at his house? She's growing all the time so its not spoiling, as there should be a need for it soon.

He needs to make more effort next time, before he kicks off.

Show quote history

Thank you, I try to think of it from an adult perspective and I’d be mortified if I was told I was only leaving the house in a red Christmas dress for a birthday event that wasn’t exactly fancy. I’d resist too. And I don’t like the attitude of people who say kids should just do what we tell them and be quiet… we wouldn’t expect adults to do that.

You're right there could have been multiple other ways to resolve it rather than just them not going. It’s a shame it escalated to that.

OP posts:

Thebigarsedbitch · 10/03/2026 16:46

I wonder how many of the people who are commenting here and giving the OP such a hard time are actually in a 50/50 co parenting situation themselves? My guess is not many!

From what I've seen the majority of men who demand 50/50 decide to do so because they think they will save money and then, when they are confronted with the hard grind of day in, day out parenting, usually for the first time, they realise it's vastly different to doing the odd bedtime or 'babysitting' they were previously used to.

Doing fun things with kids before sloping off to watch sport on TV, game or indulge in any of their usual tedious hobbies is a whole different ballgame and everyday parenting duties extend far beyond their usual boredom threshold.

I think OP's EX is probably a prime example of this, as demonstrated by his over harsh reaction which has resulted in cancelling the gym lessons. And it's unforgivable that he should expect OP to further extend the punishment in her time, especially for something that was relatively minor in the first place, which he then escalated by being a twat.

If he continues like this, his daughter simply won't want be with him - but that may well be what he's angling for anyway!

Tuesdayschild50 · 10/03/2026 18:27

On your time with daughter it's not his business to say what happens.
He has no right to say if she goes or not.
If he isn't going to chat with DD together and see what's going on with her he can butt out of your plans end of.

TulipsLilacs · 10/03/2026 18:30

Thebigarsedbitch · 10/03/2026 16:46

I wonder how many of the people who are commenting here and giving the OP such a hard time are actually in a 50/50 co parenting situation themselves? My guess is not many!

From what I've seen the majority of men who demand 50/50 decide to do so because they think they will save money and then, when they are confronted with the hard grind of day in, day out parenting, usually for the first time, they realise it's vastly different to doing the odd bedtime or 'babysitting' they were previously used to.

Doing fun things with kids before sloping off to watch sport on TV, game or indulge in any of their usual tedious hobbies is a whole different ballgame and everyday parenting duties extend far beyond their usual boredom threshold.

I think OP's EX is probably a prime example of this, as demonstrated by his over harsh reaction which has resulted in cancelling the gym lessons. And it's unforgivable that he should expect OP to further extend the punishment in her time, especially for something that was relatively minor in the first place, which he then escalated by being a twat.

If he continues like this, his daughter simply won't want be with him - but that may well be what he's angling for anyway!

True

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 10/03/2026 19:42

Is she playing you both off to rule you. Also does she had some kind of beef about you not being together.

Get to the bottom of it asap.

Zerosleep · 10/03/2026 22:20

He sounds like an erratic and crap parent who can’t be bothered to put any effort in but expects outstanding behaviour from DD for zero effort. Just like my ex. He needs to stop calling you and parent his DD himself. She shouldn’t be punished for his crap parenting effort, he doesn’t get to dictate what happens when she is with you if he can’t even be bothered to work together as a coparent for her benefit.

ScartlettSole · 10/03/2026 22:33

MummaDelly · 10/03/2026 16:08

Thank you, I try to think of it from an adult perspective and I’d be mortified if I was told I was only leaving the house in a red Christmas dress for a birthday event that wasn’t exactly fancy. I’d resist too. And I don’t like the attitude of people who say kids should just do what we tell them and be quiet… we wouldn’t expect adults to do that.

You're right there could have been multiple other ways to resolve it rather than just them not going. It’s a shame it escalated to that.

Show quote history

She's 6! I see 6 year old regularly wear princess dresses with wellies and cowboy hats all the time, so I doubt many would care about a red dress. She wears what she's told and that's that. Honestly I couldn't be dealing with the amount of negotiations and bargaining you do with her.

Taking bags of clothes because she won't get dressed? Nope, not a chance.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2026 23:55

You are doing fine. You are being consistent and reasonable. Your daughter responds with trust and compliance.

Your husband is not willing to put in the work of parenting, which is a 24/7 job, and is lacking in self awareness - makes me wonder how he ended up divorced...

He has no right to punish her by refusing permission to go to an event during tour time (I may have read that wrong).

His threat of ending her gymnastics lessons is lazy and vindictive.

He needs to attend a parenting class.

Is your parenting arrangement court ordered or informal/ between yourselves?
If it isn't court ordered, I'd be thinking seriously about switching to an EOW arrangement for your ex. It's far better for a child to have just one reliable and predictable parent for the majority of the time than to be exposed to a bad tempered flake.

mathanxiety · 11/03/2026 00:00

Thebigarsedbitch · 10/03/2026 16:46

I wonder how many of the people who are commenting here and giving the OP such a hard time are actually in a 50/50 co parenting situation themselves? My guess is not many!

From what I've seen the majority of men who demand 50/50 decide to do so because they think they will save money and then, when they are confronted with the hard grind of day in, day out parenting, usually for the first time, they realise it's vastly different to doing the odd bedtime or 'babysitting' they were previously used to.

Doing fun things with kids before sloping off to watch sport on TV, game or indulge in any of their usual tedious hobbies is a whole different ballgame and everyday parenting duties extend far beyond their usual boredom threshold.

I think OP's EX is probably a prime example of this, as demonstrated by his over harsh reaction which has resulted in cancelling the gym lessons. And it's unforgivable that he should expect OP to further extend the punishment in her time, especially for something that was relatively minor in the first place, which he then escalated by being a twat.

If he continues like this, his daughter simply won't want be with him - but that may well be what he's angling for anyway!

Agree!

OP, I think you need to reconsider the 50/50.

You are dealing with a twat, and I agree 100% that he only wanted 50/50 to avoid paying child support. How much is taking away the gymnastics going to save him?

Is the 50/50 court ordered or informal?

I'd be talking to a solicitor if it's court ordered, to see if it can be amended.

Firethehorse · 11/03/2026 04:20

OP it sounds as if your household set up is working extremely well, so please do not change it for a proud man who has no clue how to parent.
Absolutely do not consider carrying out punishments at your house. Tell your ex that this is not within his remit now or ever.
The only person who stopped your ex going to the family event was himself; she is six and he has no idea how to handle a situation he has created. His ‘punishment’ was ridiculous and taught nothing. Does he expect to always dictate what she wears even if it makes her feel uncomfortable and over dressed? He effectively lied when not telling the party girls mum why DD was upset and totally dismissed her feelings instead of teaching her how to regulate them. As you already know, punishment does not lead to better behaviour/outcomes and really should there be a consequence to choosing your own outfit from a set choice?
He is out of his depth already and your six year old is feeling the wraith from a personality you weren’t so keen on close up.
You can attempt to help and guide him, but not ever to the detriment of your own harmonious household. Perhaps his mum can help here too for the sake of your DD.

SouthcoastSunshine · 11/03/2026 06:47

Have you actually sat your DD down and said that when she is at her dads house he can have different rules to at your house, same as there are different rules when she is at school. Each place wants whats best for her, but has different ways of doing it, but all expect her to do as she is asked and if she doesnt, each place will have different consequences for what has happened when it had happened, where it has happened eg school/mums/dads. She can cope with this because she already does it for school. I had to remind mine several times that our house had different rules and expectations.
Your ex needs to find his own path in parenting and you need to step back from being involved (including asking your daughter about stuff going on when not with you other than listening when she brings stuff up) even if dad tries to involve you and i would be having that conversation with him.

Original poster

MummaDelly · 11/03/2026 08:08

mathanxiety · 10/03/2026 23:55

You are doing fine. You are being consistent and reasonable. Your daughter responds with trust and compliance.

Your husband is not willing to put in the work of parenting, which is a 24/7 job, and is lacking in self awareness - makes me wonder how he ended up divorced...

He has no right to punish her by refusing permission to go to an event during tour time (I may have read that wrong).

His threat of ending her gymnastics lessons is lazy and vindictive.

He needs to attend a parenting class.

Is your parenting arrangement court ordered or informal/ between yourselves?
If it isn't court ordered, I'd be thinking seriously about switching to an EOW arrangement for your ex. It's far better for a child to have just one reliable and predictable parent for the majority of the time than to be exposed to a bad tempered flake.

It’s court ordered and unfortunately we can’t do EOW as it doesn’t fit around our work schedules. I work full time hours but have a lovely employer who allows me to work some longer days (when I don’t have DD) and some shorter days (when I do have DD) so I can take and pick her up from school. I feel like how we have it is the best for everyone so we both get maximum time with her without relying on after school care

OP posts:

Hedgehogbrown · 11/03/2026 10:18

Well he shouldn't try to force her to wear things she didn't like, and he needs to learn to control his emotions. He cannot communicate properly with his child and he is going to push her away if he keeps acting like this.

likelysuspect · 11/03/2026 10:34

Whats this business, which creeps in to lots of discussions, about 'we wouldnt expect adults to do that'

No, because we're adults, and they're children. So of course we have agency and autonomy (not much to be honest) more than a child does. And a 6 year old has less than a 10 year old has less than a 15 year old and so on.

I see this ridiculous statement crop up about schools and teachers and routines and boundaries all the time.

BudgetBuster · 11/03/2026 10:45

Hedgehogbrown · 11/03/2026 10:18

Well he shouldn't try to force her to wear things she didn't like, and he needs to learn to control his emotions. He cannot communicate properly with his child and he is going to push her away if he keeps acting like this.

You're dead right... let her go to a party in her PJs because she said so. Next week let her go to school in her swimwear because she feels like it.

No... she's 6. If he doesn't want her wearing PJs out, that's perfectly acceptable. Kids have to learn. It's all well and good being able to say do you want to wear X or Y... but maybe he didn't have options. Sometimes that's just life.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 12/03/2026 10:06

FlapperFlamingo · 09/03/2026 12:21

You're completely right to not carry forward punishments from her time at her Dad's place in my view. How he parents and what he does is up to him (within reason of course). I can see this developing into a real struggle for you if your DD and her Dad aren't getting on so I think I'd be clear with him "I can try to help you with parenting strategies, but I am not carrying forward punishment" would be my line. Probably he's a bit all over the place and she doesn't respond well (e.g. perhaps he kept her up very late, or she didn't sleep well so didn't want to get up).

This.

I can see why he’s an ex!

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 12/03/2026 10:09

Firethehorse · 11/03/2026 04:20

OP it sounds as if your household set up is working extremely well, so please do not change it for a proud man who has no clue how to parent.
Absolutely do not consider carrying out punishments at your house. Tell your ex that this is not within his remit now or ever.
The only person who stopped your ex going to the family event was himself; she is six and he has no idea how to handle a situation he has created. His ‘punishment’ was ridiculous and taught nothing. Does he expect to always dictate what she wears even if it makes her feel uncomfortable and over dressed? He effectively lied when not telling the party girls mum why DD was upset and totally dismissed her feelings instead of teaching her how to regulate them. As you already know, punishment does not lead to better behaviour/outcomes and really should there be a consequence to choosing your own outfit from a set choice?
He is out of his depth already and your six year old is feeling the wraith from a personality you weren’t so keen on close up.
You can attempt to help and guide him, but not ever to the detriment of your own harmonious household. Perhaps his mum can help here too for the sake of your DD.

This.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 12/03/2026 10:10

mathanxiety · 10/03/2026 23:55

You are doing fine. You are being consistent and reasonable. Your daughter responds with trust and compliance.

Your husband is not willing to put in the work of parenting, which is a 24/7 job, and is lacking in self awareness - makes me wonder how he ended up divorced...

He has no right to punish her by refusing permission to go to an event during tour time (I may have read that wrong).

His threat of ending her gymnastics lessons is lazy and vindictive.

He needs to attend a parenting class.

Is your parenting arrangement court ordered or informal/ between yourselves?
If it isn't court ordered, I'd be thinking seriously about switching to an EOW arrangement for your ex. It's far better for a child to have just one reliable and predictable parent for the majority of the time than to be exposed to a bad tempered flake.

Also this!

@MummaDelly You’re doing great, OP, keep up the great work.