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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Proposed to him and he said no

719 replies

Sophie198643 · 09/03/2026 11:44

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

OP posts:
Beachingtons · 09/03/2026 11:45

Ouch! At least you know OP!

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 09/03/2026 11:47

YABU. Why did you ignore him when he said he needed more time? I'm not surprised he said no and I'm confused as to why you are, when he explicitly said that he didn't want to get engaged right now.

Goldfsh · 09/03/2026 11:48

How old are you?

If marriage is important to you, and not to him, then you need to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. Can you imagine life with him without being married?

IwishIcouldconfess · 09/03/2026 11:48

This reply has been deleted

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Monsterslam · 09/03/2026 11:48

I remember asking my mum how you know if you should say yes. And she just said that if it's right, you'll know and won't have doubts. And she was right.

This doesn't sound like one of these scenarios. No one wants to marry someone because the were cajoled into it.

Charel2girl5 · 09/03/2026 11:49

Run OP for the hills! I have seen men string woman along a couple of times for years and then split up and marry the next woman who comes along. Don’t be a doormat. Apologies if I sound harsh but it’s time to look after you. 💐

Devilsmommy · 09/03/2026 11:49

Ouch😬 I think if after 2 years of professing to love you that much, saying no to your proposal is a possible relationship killer. It's all well and good being reserved with feelings but you didn't ask him to propose. You did the hard part and him saying no would definitely be making me question where he actually sees your future together. So sorry OP, rejection like that is awful 💐

BMW6 · 09/03/2026 11:49

Well better that you know now rather than years later.

He's not the One. End it and take time to grieve but don't hang on hoping he'll change his mind.

Flowers
GoldDuster · 09/03/2026 11:50

You asked him, he said he needed more time. That was your cue to leave the ball in his court, and if you're not prepared to wait until he feels it's the right time to be married then cut your losses and move on.

You now know where you stand, which is actually a better situation than you were in yesterday, if you're looking for positives, so you can take control of the situation and decide what you want to do.

As an aside, marrying someone who "has his guard up" is a bad bad idea, and the communication sounds shocking which doesn't bode well. Getting married isn't what you want to be doing, that's the easy bit. It's staying married that's the trick, and he sounds like a bad bet.

Take this on the chin, and move on. He will know where to come looking if he changes his mind. Onwards.

Untalkative · 09/03/2026 11:53

Well, you now have information you can act on, OP. If marriage is important to you, and you're not interested in pursuing the relationship if he doesn't want to marry you, or is going to take another five years before he's sure, then you have the option of ending things and heading off to find someone with the same priorities as you do.

If, on the other hand, the relationship is more important to you than marriage, you will have to think about whether you will stay.

Jellybunny56 · 09/03/2026 11:53

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 09/03/2026 11:47

YABU. Why did you ignore him when he said he needed more time? I'm not surprised he said no and I'm confused as to why you are, when he explicitly said that he didn't want to get engaged right now.

Literally this. You knew he wasn’t ready but tried to force it anyway- play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

I do think there is a difference between not being against marriage and just not wanting it right now. Some people don’t take engagements very seriously, it’s just a ring and you can give it back, doesn’t really change anything and for a lot of people engagement doesn’t = imminent wedding. But other people do take it seriously, they see marriage for the big deal it is and want to do it once and with the right person and to be sure of that. I loved my husband for a long time before I would have agreed to marry him, I wanted to be really sure before we took that step and I’m glad he didn’t try to rush me before I was completely ready.

Dweetfidilove · 09/03/2026 11:53

He said no in so many ways, but you probably figured you'd take him to the wire. Naturally that failed.

He has made it abundantly clear that for whatever reason, he's not going to marry you, love you as you desire or anything worthwhile. Cut your losses and go off to find someone who wants the same things as you.

ImFckingMattDamon · 09/03/2026 11:53

Sorry but he's told you hes not ready in plain words yet you still proposed to him? And now you tried to back him into a corner by basically giving him an ultimatum that you feel it needs to be now and he's said he would rather split than get married when he's not ready. He's telling you how he feels but you don't seem to be listening. It doesn't seem like you're the one for him!

senua · 09/03/2026 11:54

He said no in August, four months ago and last night. How many times does he have to say it before you believe it?

Besides which, it took him seven years to propose to his ex. Who he then split from. Do you really want to spend your life with a ditherer?

Easilyforgotten · 09/03/2026 11:54

It does partly depend on your ages and whether your biological clock is ticking. If time is on your side from that perspective, I think it was unwise to try to force him into an engagement. He specifically told you he wasn't ready yet, he has a track record of not rushing things, and it probably felt too much like emotional blackmail to him. He's not saying no, he's saying not yet. Up to you what you want to do with the information you have now. Are you prepared to give it a bit longer, or not? I think it was brave of him to be honest, at least he's not stringing you along with a promise that he may never follow through on.

outerspacepotato · 09/03/2026 11:55

You sound young. How old are you?

You haven't even been together 2 years and you've been pushing marriage since a little over a year in. He told you he's not ready. So he said no.

Now your choice is do you stay with a man who isn't ready to move on your timeframe or breakup because he's not ready to progress the relationship on your timeframe.

Excited101 · 09/03/2026 11:55

Why are you bombarding him when he was clear he wasn’t ready? You asked him a question you weren’t keen to have an answer for imo. 2 years isn’t that long, how old are you? YABVU

DappledThings · 09/03/2026 11:56

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 09/03/2026 11:47

YABU. Why did you ignore him when he said he needed more time? I'm not surprised he said no and I'm confused as to why you are, when he explicitly said that he didn't want to get engaged right now.

He had another 4 months. Assuming he never clarified what "more time" means then it seems a reasonable gap to me to ask the question and find out where you stand.

It doesn't sound like he needed more time, it sounds like he deflecting and trying to kick it down the road indefinitely. Better to find out now than in another year or 5 years or whenever "more time" has been deemed to have passed.

MeanWeedratStew · 09/03/2026 11:56

If he still doesn’t trust you enough to let his guard down after two years, he’s not for you.

You need to dump him, grieve and move forward. Anything else is a waste of time - time that could be spent finding someone who will love you properly and be excited about your future together.

SpainToday · 09/03/2026 11:57

OP - was it a clear 'no' or more of a 'not right now'?

GingerBeverage · 09/03/2026 11:57

You're not his One.

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2026 11:59

He’s wasting your time - he doesn’t want marriage with you.

If he did he’d have says what his doubts were, how much time he needed, etc.

He doesn’t see you as a forever partner.

SpainToday · 09/03/2026 11:59

Also, I think a lot of this depends on how old you are. DH and I had both been married before when we got together, I was late 30s, he was mid 40s. And we just knew. 20 years on, we were obviously right! But if you're a lot younger, than 2 years is possibly a bit soon to know?

Rhaidimiddim · 09/03/2026 11:59

Good for you for taking control and forcing the issue.

You know he is a ditherer, now you have to decide whether you're going to waste any more time on him.

He sounds like a future faker to me, having strung his ex along for seven years and then not actually making it to the altar.

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 09/03/2026 12:00

DappledThings · 09/03/2026 11:56

He had another 4 months. Assuming he never clarified what "more time" means then it seems a reasonable gap to me to ask the question and find out where you stand.

It doesn't sound like he needed more time, it sounds like he deflecting and trying to kick it down the road indefinitely. Better to find out now than in another year or 5 years or whenever "more time" has been deemed to have passed.

Surely you have another conversation before you spring a whole proposal on him though? Four months is not a lot of time, in my view.