Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

Sadly I’ve known one - together for nine years! And he didn’t want to get married because ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ - the usual excuse.

Within hardly more than a year he had met and married someone else.

It does sound like you might not be compatible. You knew it took him 7 years to propose to the previous partner. But when he said he needed more time in this relationship, you felt that 4 months was enough. So it seems you have different ideas about timings. Why do you feel so strongly about marriage/engagement and what difference would it make if you waited another year? If he’s really the one now, he still will be in 12 months’ time

I’d be interested to know your ages. Women who want families in which marriage is important have completely different time lines.

I think this is very personal though.

After 18 months I was only just moving in with my now husband. I can't imagine thinking about marriage 2 yrs in. If he had proposed to me after 2yrs I 100% would have said no. But also, I know there's no chance he would have asked me then either 😂 we got engaged after 4 years, married around the 5.5yr mark and are happily married with kids almost 10yrs later.

On the flipside I know of 2 couples who were moved in, engaged, married in a quick timeframe (less than 2-3 yrs)... one couple seperated less than a year later and the other are happily married 5 yrs on.

It just seems like the OP and her partners timelines and priorities don't match up. Neither scenario is right or wrong.

It's ridiculous that people are saying he's a commitment phobe! She asked him after 18 months..18 months! To decide to spend your whole life with someone.
I have been with my husband 23 years, we got engaged after 9 years, already lived together, had a dog together.
You are rushing it and it's not very nice of you to ask him when he has told you he isn't ready.

She comes across to me as if time and patience are running out for her, and in order to plan her life she needs to know exactly where she stands now. How can she even begin to plan her future if the most important part of the puzzle is missing?
I think you did exactly the right thing OP. It probably took a lot of courage.

I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

You have two choices: leave him or stay with him unmarried.

The option to leave him may seem impossible if you are still madly in love, but it may be your best option long term, especially if you want children with a committed partner.

The option to stay with him unmarried is only a good choice if you have a really great career and earn lots of money.

Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant unmarried (unless you have a great career, earn lots of money, and have a secure job with a good pension plan, and you are happy to go back to work full time as soon as maternity leave is over).

Marriage is a legal contract.
It is NOT primarily about being in love and showing how much you love each other. It is a legal mechanism for sharing all finances and assets.

Men know after the first date? What absolute bollocks.

You sound so desperate, OP. How old are you? Have you lived together? Three attempts at getting a marriage proposal in less than two years…that’s a lot of pressure. I’d run for the hills if I were him.

64% of couples that get engaged are engaged within the first 2 years so it's more common than not.

ah OP. On a positive note: now you know. No time wasted. So you can move on / rethink whether marriage is important to you. I’d throw this one back as he’s not that into you. He knows where to find you but I’d be moving on

9 years! That sounds like a really long time to me. By that stage me and my DH were already married had children! However, it's very personal. We felt ready quickly, which is fine.
I think the problem is the difference in outlook for this couple.

I think your instinct is right and he’s not as in to you as you are to him. It’s clear that marriage is important to you and you’ve been honest. I’d be ending the relationship and moving on.

Well he never really alleged at any point he was into marriage. So at least you know for sure now you're not able to change his mind.

It's a shame but you made an ultimatum and you should stick with it.

I've been with my partner, very happily, for three times as long as you've been with yours, so I don't think you have anything to teach me about relationships, thanks very much.

I am absolutely not saying that nobody should decide to get married early on in their relationship - simply that there's no set rule and that everyone will have different preferences on this and that those preferences don't necessarily have anything to do with how they feel about their partner.

2 years is not a very long time to be sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone even if you love them. Love alone doesn't make a marriage.

Add to that that he has a bad experience in his past. He is not wrong for being cautious and want to share more life experience to be 100% certain. Ultimately, one could ask why you are not willing to wait a bit longer.

There is no right or wrong. You decided to take the initiative and didn't go how you wanted. You need to decide for yourself if it is worth giving him more time as he is requesting or if marriage is more important to you.

And the percentage of divorces for that same group?

There's exceptions to every rule but the evidence bears out what I say- the longer a couple lives together prior to marriage, the more likely the relationship is to end in divorce.

I'm cringing. This is so bad.

Are you from a culture where the man typically proposes? As if so, you already 'soft proposed' when you told him you'd like to get married to him. That's a woman's proposal. Telling him you're ready for marriage. He didn't propose, therefore he didn't accept. Steamrolling further by doing another proposal is honestly just so embarrassing. He already gave you his response.

I would end it, because you're past ready and he is nowhere near ready, the resentment will breed and take over the relationship.

I would have a guess that this contributes to the 50% + in marriages that fail.

Yes, but are 64% of men rushed into these engagements when they have been abundantly clear they are not ready? I doubt it

Part of the problem seems to be that he's not great at communicating. If you decide to stay together, he might need to work on this.

If you don't know after 2 years, you don't want to marry that person and should let them go
The advice I've given my children is you don't fully know someone until you've faced difficult times together. It's easy to be happy together when all is well. It's another thing to see how well you work and stick together when times are tough.

2 years can therefore be a short time if it's just been two easy years.

Where did you pull this stat from? Not the experience in my circles at all.

It was a long time, neither of us were bothered about it and we were in our 20s so enjoying life and growing together.