Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

100% agree. There are several books written by men, giving women the man's perspective. One important point: men enjoy the chase. And there is something exciting about not knowing exactly where he stands with a woman he is pursuing. The mystery, intrigue etc is something men love. If a woman is pursuing him? Pretty much an instant turn off. I wish I'd known this when I was young (I'm old now) I proposed to BOTH my husbands. The first marriage was a humiliating disaster. The second one was better, but still ended in divorce. Ugh.
And yes, men know pretty much right away if they are going to marry a woman or use her as a placeholder.

Or she isn't young and simply doesn't have another 5 years to spend on a relationship that won't end up with a cimmittment and kids. Too many women who want kids get strung along by men until their mid 30s and end up missing the kids they always wanted or making rash decisions round their next partner to beat the biological clock.

It was three years for me. I recall feeling embarrassed when people at work assumed that we were engaged.

A fellow worker referred to him as my 'fiancé'. When I corrected my colleague, his response was "How long have you been going out...?"

"Three years."

"Three years? What's wrong with him?"

I was married to my former colleague for 27 years.

You are absolutely not the one for him! Sorry OP but please move on. You have more or less give him an ultimatum to marry you and trust me that never works, you both have to be on the same page. I’m guessing he’s not very young if he was with his previous g/f for 7 years and then with you for 2? So he should be in a position to ‘settle down’ if he wanted to. … you either split up now or limp along for x years … and then split up. This may seem hard to believe right now, but trust me you will find someone you love just as much, if not more!, and they will love you right back!

That's not really true. Apart from the common law right to not testify against your spouse?🤔
What other legal protections come with marriage in this day and age? Remembering also that many jurisdictions now recognise de facto relationships in terms of property.

I'm not certain that such a common law right exists in the UK. However, marriage here does provide the family with certain monetary protection that they wouldn't otherwise have.

With many pensions, a spouse is given automatic rights when widowed. I automatically qualified for a percentage of my husband's work pensions when he died. In addition, to my surprise, I was told that I was entitled to a non-means tested bereavement benefit. It wouldn't have been awarded to me had I not been married.

If both people want to have children, then marriage protects said children from paying extra IHT: the surviving spouse doesn't pay IHT on assets transferred from their husband/wife and the children can theoretically have double the normal exemption for IHT.

I have a friend who cared for her ailing partner for many years. He willed the majority of his estate to her, but she was hit by IHT. Had they been married, that wouldn't have been an issue.

Cohabiting couples only have some of the rights of married couples in Scotland. I'm not sure if they have even those rights in the rest of the UK. https://www.gov.scot/publications/marriage-civil-partnership-guide/

It certainly originated in the UK.

How interesting that the law possibly still discriminates against de facto partners over there in certain situations.

I think for older women these protections were a definite reason to seek out the institution of marriage. But less so for modern women who are able to provide for themselves financially. Which is a great thing in my view. For far too long women were forced into servitude and forbearance out of survival. And on the flip side, many men are terrified of losing most of their assets in the event of divorce.

Oh this is a wonderful resource for people in Scotland! I'm on the other side of the world and don't practice in family law. But I'm completely fascinated with the mass exodus of women from marriage at this point in time. Married single mothers, weaponised incompetence, and hobosexuals are all terms I learned over the last year.

He could possibly be saying no to the pressure rather than you. He was unlikely to say yes in that scenario. He asked you for time and from your post it sounds like you didn't listen to him and pushed ahead with your agenda regardless. He's not going to be authentic in that situation, he will just be feeling like someoneis trying to make him do something. I promise you I am not judging and I am saying this with kindness and love. I can empathise and you just wish you could wave a magic wand and we can feel so out of control. If its truly meant to be, having some time to re centre yourself and 'regroup', recover. Focus on yourself build yourself back up and let him breathe, allow yourself to breathe and just be for a bit. Do you want to be in a relationship with him and be with him or is being married more important to you right now? I would get some counselling if I was you, whether you stay together or not, just somewhere to process those big feelings of rejection, feeling out of control frustration etc. Thinking of you

This is why America and the UK have such high divorce rates.

ouch!! It’s hard OP but at least you know. It’s better that he’s straight with you. I knew my first husband didn’t want to get married or have kids when I met him but he was 24 and I was only 20. We had been together for 3 years when we got engaged. 6 years later he suggested getting married while we were away on holiday. 4 years later we broke up and he admitted he married me because he felt he owed it to me. He then met someone else who he was with for about 30 years only marrying her just before he died.

I don’t regret the time we were together but we shouldn’t have married and I had ignored the red flags. It was a salutary lesson.

Happily I went on to meet a wonderful man who wanted to get married and have a family. We married and here we are 40 years later with 2 children and 3 grandchildren.

Exactly this. I don't get why people are bashing the OP for 'rushing him', when he said he needed more time. That can be anything from 1 week to 8 years. It's such a vague term. So 4 months is reasonable and now they have their answer.

Anyway, OP, you might feel 'bad' because they said no but now you know and you can decide on what you want to do about this relationship. Plus good on you for asking and taking the bull by the horns.

Why is marriage very important to you? Do you even really know why?

So YOU don't know anyone who's done that, so it's unusual now? Not true for obvious reasons. Obvious reasons being your group of people ain't everyone.

My uncle was with his wife and proposed before 2 years, but he knew he wanted to marry her and told her so within weeks of meeting her. They met in 2018 and if it wasn't for COVID they would have been married in 2020/2021 but got married in 2022. This isn't unusual AT ALL.

He literally told you multiple times that he wasn’t there yet and you just pushed on anyway because it was important to YOU with no regard for his feelings on the matter. If the roles were reversed here, there would be outrage at a man applying this much pressure to a woman. This is ludicrous tbh and I don’t know why you went ahead and proposed when he’d made his feelings very clear and straight up told you he needed more time. I’d be running for the hills if I was him. Sorry, you asked. Work on your listening skills, learn patience and empathy.

OP hadn’t come back after 500 posts, she’s not coming back now. Save your breath.

I recall my mother telling me that she met my dad whilst between jobs - she'd been working in England and had come home to Scotland and had picked up a job in a local restaurant while she decided what to do: she was staying with her parents in the meantime.

She and Dad met at a housewarming and dated for 3 months. He didn't say anything about longterm plans, so - as she told me "I thought, well that's that then. Your aunt told me that a factory near her was looking for workers, so I went back to England. Then I got a letter from your grandmother: 'You'd better come home. [Dad] has been to see your father and he's bought a house.'"

Yup. That was the proposal...They married 3 months later and were married for 52 years.

Just let him go. It's that simple. He will then meet his person and you meet yours soon.

I think you should leave him as he told you he's not interested. You could be with him for another two years and then still the same. Just move on. If he returns he returns and wants to step up the relationship into marriage direction or he doesn't and you go your own ways.

I understand other commenter suggesting you leave him, but just because he didn't say 'Yes' now, doesn't mean he's stringing you along, or that he won't do anything until 7 years in.
Now you've proposed, instead of just talking about it, his mindset is likely to have changed. He doesn't need you to tell him that you'll dump him if there is no prospect of marrying.
I would give him a month to think about your proposal, then suggest that if it doesn't look like the relationship is going anywhere within another 3 months, then maybe it isn't right for us.
He then knows that the prospect of losing you is real, but also gives you both time to decide and think about whether marriage is right. With three months to decide whether he wants to marry you or lose you, it should be clearer for both of you, and in the meantime, you both know you're working towards having the conversation that will make or break you.
Surely that's better than a kneejerk reaction based on his response to you putting him on the spot?

Unfortunately, you’re going to have to step back from the relationship and move on.

7 years for a proposal is bonkers.

Marriage is a very good idea if you have children, it gives many advantages, financial and practical, in later life there are big disadvantages if you're not married.
If you are not going to have children you need to protect your finances, keep you banking, savings and pension entirely separate. Then if you split up you sell the house, divide the proceeds and go your own way. In practice that very often does not happen and one side or the other looses out, don't let it happen to you.

Looked for previous threads as you haven't responded. You both have a child from previous relationships , it's probably right not to rush into a marriage too quickly.

Lots of people don't go through the cost of weddings and still live happily together what is the big deal about being married. Lots of people get married then end up getting divorced 2 years later with all the emotional and financial trauma that brings. Marriage was important years ago because pre suffragettes women were paid a lot less than men, couldn't vote and were not allowed to own property so an unmarried women that was a big problem. Today none of these issues exist and anyone who has been divorced will tell you all the promises made to each other during an a marriage service are worthless when the chips are down. If you are happy as you are i would stick with it. marriage sadly is not the be all and end all these days.