Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

You are brave and you wear your heart on your sleeve.
This guy is not brave and he has form for being indecisive.

If you stay you will always be let down.
His capacity to commit and adore anyone has not developed for some reason.

How old are you both?

Decide if marriage is a deal breaker and walk away if it is. You feel that he's the one for you, but you might not be the one for him. At least you know the truth now, so your choices - difficult as it might be - are actually quite simple. Stay or leave.

So last year (you were together a year maybe 18 months?) you and HIS PARENTS had a conversation about marriage. A bit strange.

4 months ago, you brought up the subject with him and he said he wasn't ready and needed more time. So you decided to completely ignore him and propose, and then basically try to force him into changing his mind when he said no (by saying it was a dealbreaker). And you're surprised that he said he'd need to break up if it is?

Why are you trying to force marriage on this man who has been abundantly clear?

Dump and move on.

He proposed to his ex because he was ready to marry and so he's saying he doesn't want to marry you.

Sorry to be harsh but its not about him not being ready for whatever he thinks marriage is.

And imo men that talk about having been hurt before or have trust issues aren't the ones to hitch your wagon to.

Lucky escape. Get out and move on.

I recently saw an ex that I wanted to marry. I was with him 5 years and we broke up 15 years ago. He's still the same, except he married someone else, hasn't had the kids that he told me he wanted and was still living the party lifestyle. His life hasn't moved on at all apart from getting married. I'm married with kids, promoted several times, have a husband that earns the same and is a great dad. I got what I wanted and he got whst he wanted. He just lied 15 years ago telling me what i wanted to hear and doing exactly what he wanted. I really hope his new wife doesn't want a family because he says all the right things but... no action.

OP, you may find it endearing that he finds it so hard to express his feelings, and you may hope to be the one to bring him out of his shell.

But this is who he is, fundamentally. He’s not shy or reticent because of past relationship hurts that you can help him heal from, thereby releasing the passionate, romantic, assertive man trapped within.

He’s just not very expressive, and probably doesn’t experience emotions to the same degree of intensity you do, and is ambivalent about whether he wants to be in a committed relationship at all and it is certainly not important to him at all whether he gets married or not, regardless of how much it means to you.

He’s not going to become the person you’re hoping to turn him into through the power of your love, OP.

Let him go and find someone who wants the same things you want.

i have a friend who’s auntie was engaged for 30 years until her fiancé eventually died. Every year he found a reason why they couldn’t get married right then , but next year would be fine. They never lived together and she missed out on having DC due to being dangled on a string like this. No idea what was going through his head. I think he wanted to basically have a single life but still have someone to go out on dates with.

Don’t be like her, OP. He could dither for years while life passes you by. Ditch him and find someone who will be begging for the opportunity to marry you.

You said what you felt you had to and he has responded with what he felt he needed to say. Now you have the opportunity to decide where you go from here. If marriage really is important to you and you have a timeline in mind and he doesn't want to get married, then at least you know where you stand. Best wishes to you @Sophie198643 , none of this will be easy.

My husband and I got engaged after 3 months and married 18 months later and have been happily married for nearly 9 years.

My parents got engaged the same week they met and married a few months later and have now been married nearly 50 years.

In contrast, the majority of the couples I know who got engaged after 5+ years either never made it to the wedding or got divorced shortly after.

If you don't know after 2 years, you don't want to marry that person and should let them go.

He has shown you how he feels. Believe him

You started to talk about marriage after only a year together which I do think is too soon to think about making a life-long commitment to someone.

That said, he has done you a favour. It would have been worse if he had said yes to an engagement with no intention of actually marrying you.

You are on different pages. You want to move through the steps quite quickly, he wants to take his time. If you stay together this will likely be the theme of your relationship. If I were you, I’d move on.

I think that this would be a deal breaker for me, OP. It sounds like you just want different things.

Indeed. I'm going to add that you cannot make someone feel the way you want them to.

You told him 4 months ago that splitting up was a consequence. He said no, not ask me again in another 4 months.

He's not interested in marriage, or not interested in marrying you. Don't waste your time any further. 💐

Life long commitment? Sadly that doesn't mean much of anything for a lot of married people nowadays. Things go south over much of nothing they divorce, kids come along more likely to split up, h [usually] has an affair they divorce.
No one is saying you should put up with shit behaviour, been there, got out, never again. But most marriages will not last to the death do us part ie life long commitment. Having said that been married for over 25 years to current h.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Not everyone wants to get married, it doesn't mean he's stringing you along. DP and I have been together a decade and we're not married. Neither of us are bothered about it. I have no intention of leaving him, the fact that I don't want to marry him isn't a problem. It doesn't mean that much these days. You can get the same legal protection through wills and ownership documents (which we have).

So the question isn't whether either of you are being unreasonable, but whether you can both live with the difference in expectation from the relationship.

Thank him for being honest about it and not stringing you along.

You then need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you, or even if you’re happy to continue a relationship where he is not in the same place as you after two years.
If you want to have children, does he?
Are you just wasting valuable time with someone who will never commit, and isn’t in love with you?

Whatever you decide, be grateful he has given you the information you needed on where he is at.

Well it’s very upsetting but at least you know now. And this isn’t a “timing” issue, it’s a commitment issue, he’s not going to commit to you. Definitely time to move on.

He said he needed more time and you ignored that. You can’t control him into marrying you. Sounds like
you aren’t right for each other. You both deserve people who want the same things as you.

This does seem a bit rushed and intense to me.

You're not yet together two years and you first brought up the subject of marriage last August (so after a year and a bit?). Then again four months ago (after about a year and a half?). He told you he wasn't ready yet which is totally reasonable after such a short time. Instead of listening to him, you've tried to force the issue by proposing.

If it's so important to you to be married within x amount of time, then maybe the two of you are not compatible. But I think it's unfair to call the guy a ditherer or say he doesn't love OP just because he needs longer than 18 months to feel ready for marriage.

I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up.

So what was his response to this ultimatum?

Men know after the first date. It definitely doesn’t take two years. I would only date a guy for a year if I was approaching my thirties. You shouldn’t have asked him though. I would have withdrawn when it was clear he wasn’t proposing

It’s harsh but he’s being honest. He was also honest 4 months ago with you. Marriage nowadays is a world away from what it used to be to. With the high rate of divorce, there is a lot to think about. Financial implications are one that I highly consider in relation to marriage and a reason I won’t get married

After a year together I think it's wise to talk about the future. You did the right thing because it's important to you. Two years together is plenty for adults to have a clear idea of feelings and thoughts about the future.
He doesn't want to get married. If you stay with him I suspect this will drift for years, with no marriage. You've given it time and he's given you a clear response.

How is the situation remotely comparable?

In 2026, it's fairly unusual for couples to get engaged after only 18 months. I don't know anyone who has done that.