Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

There's exceptions to every rule but the evidence bears out what I say- the longer a couple lives together prior to marriage, the more likely the relationship is to end in divorce

This doesn't surprise me.

People who only move in after marriage are likely to be from a culture where pre-marital cohabitation just isn't a thing. These cultures tend to be much more anti-divorce. Which isn't a good thing. Remaining married doesn't mean you're in a happy or safe marriage.

The flipside, with enough cultural freedom to choose to shack up, you also have freedom to walk away if the marriage isn't working. Which is a positive thing.

Divorce isn't a bad thing!

Oh I agree, everyone is different.

I was just responding to people who felt that two years was too soon. For some maybe, but not everyone. As I said, no hard and fast rules apply

It would be helpful if you would provide a source for all these statistics you're quoting.

I would never waste a year and a half of my life with someone who didn't want to marry me! Honestly I wouldn't go on a second date with someone if they weren't marriage material.

He wants to see if there's something better on offer...

Can him

How can you possibly know if someone is 'marriage material' after one date? You don't know anything about him!

He said he needed more time and, instead of exploring what that meant to both you and him, you dramatically blindsided him with a proposal.
And where is he in this? I don't see him explaining why he needed more time, or how long that would be.
How can he be 'blindsided'? This has been bubbling for seven months - he should have had a better answer by now. Hopefully it would be a 'yes' but. if not, then at least a more eloquent and diplomatic explanation of why it's 'not just yet'.
He's put no effort into thinking about this.

I honestly don’t agree with this. The person you meet at the very start of a relationship is the polished version, the best show, the easy life of dates and seeing each other for a couple hours a week for some fun- it is SO easy to love that person and that life. Anybody can do that, but it is incredibly naive to think that = you’ll be happily married to that person for the rest of your life because frankly life happens. Stress, living together 24/7 pulls the curtain back on who they are, illness, financial pressure, children etc, seeing someone on their worst days AND their best days, that’s what really lets you see the person they are and you only have to look on here at any given day to see 10+ threads on exactly that. “he was perfect to start with….” We ALL are perfect on those first dates! It’s easy to be the perfect version of you for a few hours on a Friday date night.

Marriage material 😂 On a first date 😂
You have got to be winding us up?

YABU in trying to force something that obviously he doesn’t want to happen.

But also not proposing to men is probably the one very old fashioned view I have. We already go above and beyond for them, let this one be on their side of the court.

the evidence bears out what I say- the longer a couple lives together prior to marriage, the more likely the relationship is to end in divorce.

@ImImmortalNowBabyDoll yes I've read studies about this too. Its particularly interesting to me, as my first husband took 10 years to propose (with a fair bit of pushing from me) but only a year after the wedding he began the affair that ended it all. So I've always thought its best to avoid a reluctant groom!

YANBU in your reasoning. Or wants.

YABU that you proposed after he'd already said he was not ready. 2 years isn't a lot either. No. Not all people know when they know. Ultimately marriage is legally binding and not to be rushed. If I was him, I'd be a little hurt tbh after being so honest with you.

I think you've focused more on yours and his parents wants here. Sorry.

The OP does not say how old they both are.

23 and she is being premature.

38 and biological clock ticking then she needs to move on.

I'm not sure if the OP allows him to think for himself though. Sounds like the OP wants to be married and she doesn't give a crap.about his reasonings even if he were to vocalise them

Anyway the likely scenario is that they did have a detailed conversation previously but the OP is purposely leaving this out of the thread.

This 100%.

Less than 2 years is not a very long amount of time when considering if you want to be with the person for the rest of your life, have children with them, etc. If somebody were pressuring me to commit to an entire marriage before I was ready to, I would, at minimum, be extra careful to ensure that I'd had plenty of time to work out what I wanted.

I do see signs of avoidant attachment in him, but I also think that if this were a man pressuring a woman in this way we would all be crying out for you to see the red flags.

Absolutely - and its hard to offer advice when we don't know the ages

I can Google it and post the links or you can Google it yourself. Considering that you'll choose for yourself which source you trust, the latter makes more sense. However, there is some substance to what @LordofMisrule1 says, so I did check the stats for length of courtship rather than just cohabitation. It seems that 3-5 years of dating before a short engagement of less than 6 months has the best odds statistically speaking. More than 5 years or less than 1 year had a higher risk of divorce, although no-one I know who got engaged after less than a year has got divorced.

I think a key piece of info is missing from your post. When you discussed this four months ago and he said he needed more time, presumably you then discussed what that might look like? I don't think 4 months is very long personally so interested what he said during your original discussion that made you decide to do it then.

I would say it’s very clear he’s not ready and you’ve tried to force his hand. That was always going to fail. You want different things in life and I’m not sure this man is “the one”. Find somebody else but don’t ever try and browbeat somebody into marriage.

Age is the most important contextual factor that is missing here. Without it, I don’t think anyone can really truly comment…

I don't disagree with that logic. You have a good point. Divorce is preferable to remaining in an unhappy marriage. However, surely not getting married in the first place is preferable to getting divorced.

I am not sure if "more", but I have seen my fair share of couples who have been together for a very long time and get married and separate six months later. I was commenting this with a friend and we came to the conclusion that they didn´t have much to say to each other any more and getting married was supposed to spice the thing up. Remember the old trope of having a baby to "save the marriage"? Also a bad idea.

You're the one posting it so it's on you to back it up, not on other posters to go scratching around.

Are we talking about a valid statistical study from a legitimate source, or a survey from a wedding website?

@Sophie198643 why did you propose when he said just 4 months ago he wasn't ready???

My ex took 5 years to decide I wasn't the one for him! There was me (and his family!!) thinking marriage and babies, we went to his cousins beautiful romantic wedding, then something clicked in his head and he decided i wasn't the one for him.

But 2 years is still rather early days.

So you may be feeling empty after the rejection but you were kinda dumb to ask when he made it clear he wasn't ready so you set yourself up for a fall.

Yes, she hasn't answered that yet.